Saturday, November 11, 2006
Here's to you, grizzled shop-keep

When I was a teenager, I remember going to Chicago one summer. We went to a gift shop near Wrigley Field to buy some useless trinkets and assorted touristy crap. The old man who owned the place was a complete grind; he followed everyone around and shot dirty looks if you stayed in one place for too long. If a patron picked something up he'd say "Hey, are you going to buy that? Staring at it doesn't pay my bills." I remember at the time thinking he was a total dickface.

However, after years of working retail, I've reconsidered my position. I think that store owner had the right idea. Sure, he went too far by being rude, but I'm willing to bet he wasn't that bad as a young man; that his heart was hardened by years of relying on the American public for his livelihood. Gandhi would have been an asshole after a few decades of dealing with customers.

What made him right was his unwillingness to take any shit from people. Oh, I wish I had the power to throw people out of a retail establishment. If any of those fuckers even LOOKED at me funny, they'd be out on their ass.

Today at work, someone dropped a bottle of red wine. While we were mopping it up, an old lady rolled her shopping cart right through it. "Oh, did someone spill some wine?" she asked while her feet were in a puddle of mop water. She was too lazy to walk around the spill.

The old store owner would have screamed "Get the fuck out of my store, you stupid bitch!!" And that's the way it should be!!! I'm tired of "The customer is always right." WRONG. Sometimes the customer is a thoughtless pouch of fuck run-off who should be tossed out on the streets. Why should human garbage be treated the same as good, decent people?

If I owned a business, any business, there would be ground rules:

-No checks. If you even attempt to write a check...get the fuck out!

-No body odor. If you smell like a wombat's vagina...get the fuck out!

-No insulting my workers. If your name's not Don Rickles, and you insult my people...get the fuck out!

-No haggling over the price. This isn't a swap meet. Pay the set price or...get the fuck out!

-Do not say you can get a product cheaper at a competing store that's twenty miles away. Get the fuck out and drive through rush hour traffic to save fifty cents. I don't care.

These rules are just a start, of course. Customers are always finding new and different ways to annoy me.


Blogger Brookelina said...

You might want to consider a work-from-home career move.

I'm just sayin...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"a thoughtless pouch of fuck run-off..." priceless.

My mind is made up. I love you and want to marry you.

I was raised two blocks from Wrigley and everyone back in the day was a cranky old prick because of the gang-members stealin' shit.

Blogger thr said...

While I love your aliterations, I think it only fair to point out that wombats are strangely odour free. Rly.

...though I cannot speak for their unspeakables. They may in fact smell like bride of frankenstein's unmentionables...

Tom (in Oz)

Use this rage as a springboard into another line of work.

Blogger Nick said...

The guy who cleans animal's cages at the Zoo, for instance.

Fucking Rutgers.

Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

What is this retail shit you speak of? Dyckerson buys everything wholesale.

Blogger Melissa said...

"A thoughtless pouch of fuck run-off".

You just keep expanding my vocabulary, and I adore you for it.

Blogger karla said...

You are so right. Customers are, by and large, assholes. Okay, I'll be fair. 50% of them are assholes. It blows my mind how people will freak out to me about the price of one of our services. Like they think a nobody in the company like myself sets the prices. When they say things like "$14 dollars!? Are you kidding me? I bought it at ___ for $10!" I always say, "Wow, that's a great deal. You should go back and buy it there again." However, after their attention-whore rant session, they almost always just pony up the money anyway. Windbag fucks.

Blogger MadMeer said...

Right down the street from me there is, what we call, the OPK (Old People Kroger). I cannot shop at the OPK without getting stuck behind some 80 yr-old fart in polyester who takes 40 min to write a god damn check for their single tin of metamusil, dry crackers and prune juice. I know it's cruel to beat up on old people, but sometimes I fantasize about screaming in their faces, "learn how to use a @*&(*$# check card, asshole!" I know they're old, but is it really that hard?

Blogger Cold Hands said...

you should have kicked that old lady in the cunt....

call me babe.

Blogger Mister Mxyzptlk said...

You should partner up with the Soup Nazi.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can i write a check for that lovin'?

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

You should trade war stories with Dilf.

He works the Bingo parlor for the Knights of Columbus once a month. Because after they go to your shop and cause trouble, they go play bingo.

Blogger Steph said...

You need to find another job. One that doesn't include dealing with the public.

People are fucktards. There aint no cure for that.

Blogger yournamehere said...

are there work-from-home jobs? Other than whore, that is?

I love internet romance. I'll never disappoint you.

I don't know about their unspeakables. And I don't want to know.

I'm not really enraged, but I am looking for another job.

I would only want to fuck the female students at Rutgers. And is that really a job?

I thought I saw you in Sam's Club.

I adore your adoration. Thanks.

I love your blog. Am I the last person on earth to have heard of it? Oops.

aren't all grocery stores full of old people? The rest of us eat out.

cold hands,
I would have kicked her in the cunt, but I didn't want to lose a shoe.

mr. mxyzptlk,
how else can you run a business in NYC? You don't have time for any bullshit.

the lovin' is free of charge for you, my dear.

Dilf must be a saint. I get paid (however meagerly) to put up with them.

Blogger yournamehere said...

you commented when I was answering comments. Imagine that.

You're right, though. Fucktardation isn't treatable.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

You should keep a sack of beer cans behind the counter to chuck at people's heads when they piss you off.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Kentucky granny would suggest fillin' an old sweatsock with cat turds and cuttin' a hole in the toe. Only then can you really beat the shit out of someone.

God I love her creativity. 80 yrs old and still looking for a fight.

Blogger Nick said...

I think you should make the "Here's To You, ______" a weekly segment.

I find that weekly segments make blogging a whole lot easier. Also, ridiculously long contests.

And props to Mr. Mxy. Gotta love those fifth dimension imps. You lucked out in the whole Crisis debacle.

Blogger katarina said...

You can come work for me honey. I'll pay ya reeeeaaaal good.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Customers are like those pesky terrorists. You come up with some deterrents and damn if they don't find a new way to piss you off. I had to leave retail to nip the possibility of jail time.

I especially love standing in my winter coat, in a hot store, behind the douchebag who argues for 10 minutes that a 30.00 item is on sale for 4.99.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

"no insulting my workers"...this is why i want to marry you!!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hands off Sonrisa,
he's mine!!

We could always wrestle for him...

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

bring it on tracy!! bring it on!!

Blogger poet1b said...

You should only work retail, especially in a liquor store, properley stoned out of your gourd. Should sobriety threaten you, procede to the nearest place of privacy to regain the appropriate buzz.

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