Thursday, November 02, 2006
The Day the West Virginians Came to Town

It isn't every day that a native Kentuckian such as myself, who grew up in a neighborhood full of hicks, is absolutely flabbergasted by a level of hillbilliness rarely seen in civilized society. But then again, it isn't every day that thousands of West Virginians come to town.

The liquor store where I work is near several hotels and an interstate, so fans in town for the West Virginia-Louisville game flocked there in droves. All day long peckerwoods in Mountaineer garb bought all of our cheapest whiskey and vodka. I'm sorry, but I hate people from West Virginia. One guy, who seemed to be covered in soot and whose eyes were so close together he could have worn a monicle as eyeglasses, was sporting a sweatshirt that didn't cover the final one-third of his stomach. Thanks for that visual image, Cleofus.

Last year, when the game was in Morgantown, WV, my friend went and said the locals celebrated their win by burning couches in the street. Yes, they set fire to furniture. In public. They also threw beer on and spat at Louisville fans. These are some classy people.

If anyone from West Virginia is reading this and you aren't a couch burning white trash hillcunt, I suggest you move. And if you are a typical West Virginia fan, it's nice that you have someone who'll read this blog to your illiterate ass.

In case you think this is sour grapes, Louisville beat West Virginia 44-34 to remain unbeaten. And if any couches were torched in celebration, it was done with a sense of irony.


26 Comments:

Blogger Holly's Boyfriend said...

The West Virginia fire circle:

Steel belt radials left over from the last bald tire that was used to roast marshmallows.

...now that's camping in comfort!

Blogger Egan said...

Ah, this is all starting to make more sense. I saw the couch burning shot on a pro-Mountaineers' blog and couldn't figure why the need to burn perfectly good furniture. Thanks Todd. Congrats to your boys on their fine victory.

As you well know, my 4 years at a West Virginia University nearly made me lose the will to live. As King of the entire cunting world, I vow to make that entire state the U.S.'s landfill.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I used to date a guy from West Virginia. The first time I met him I asked if his parents were brother and sister. He replied, "My parents are my brother and sister."

On that comeback alone I had to go out with him.

Blogger Krill and Kelp said...

Landmen are all lowly, disgusting creatures. Do not congratulate yourself because you are slightly less so.

The Ɯbermilf creature has refused to give us her brownie recipe. We have discovered that YOU have it. You have 24 land-hours to deliver it to us, or you will never see your landwoman again!

Gurgah! Gurgah! Gurgah! (that's evil laughter in merman-speak.)

Blogger Nick said...

That'll show those One-Loss fucks in Florida what's up. I hate the fucking BCS, it's such a piece of shit.

I was rooting for Louisville the hole time.

If they don't move up to #3, I will set fire to a couch.

Blogger Nick said...

'hole time' hehehe.

Blogger Dawn said...

Hey Now....

I'm from West Virginia (Wheeling)and I turned out great.

I haven't lived there since 1979 but my dad's side of the family still does. My dad makes a mean moonshine. lol. Seriously.

There are some pretty backward parts and that I won't dispute. But the same goes for Kentucky.

Bring it on Congressman!

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

you let them have it!!!!! i've never met anyone from virginia but i'll support you 100% sweetie..

Blogger Mark said...

I was impressed with Brian Brohm. I actually made it a point to watch this game because of the BCS implications. Go Loo-ville.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

I wish somebody would throw beer on me.....

Blogger miss kendra said...

i always burn my couches with a sense of irony.

and also cinematic innovation.

it's like a fucking david lynch movie over here.

Blogger Liv said...

"One guy, who seemed to be covered in soot and whose eyes were so close together he could have worn a monicle as eyeglasses"

AHAHAHAHA that is the funniest thing I have ever read in my whole life.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

A friend of mine lived in West Virginia and spoke of a rural area where everyone looked like their eyes were on the sides of their heads, like a cow. I can almost hear the banjo.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Well, let's not forget those classy people in Columbus who burn any piece of household furniture they can swap from nearby frat houses and then proceed to riot with police whenever the "Best Football Team Money Can Buy" loses a game.

Blogger Ruben said...

After reading this I laughed until my eyes hurt.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok ok... so I don't have time to read such a long post... geeees... I'm on hotel internet here!!!
I just wanted to say "hey" and send to you smooches from Perth...
;op

Blogger Monkey said...

This brings back memories of my sojourn in Lexington. Your descriptions defy description Todd. I salute you.

Blogger Steph said...

They burn their couches?
Then where do they make the hot sex?

Oh that's right. In their pick up trucks.
My bad.

Blogger Nick said...

I set a couch on fire once, but only because Anne Coulter was sitting on it.

Hey Todd.. think I should send the couches I gave you, in your Vegas house, to West Virginia.. Lord knows what those stains are !!!

Blogger yournamehere said...

holly's boyfriend,
marshmallows taste good with that burnt rubber smell on them.

egan,
they're proud of it? Good god.

vast,
as far as making WV a landfill, God beat you to it.

brooke,
I'm guessing he was attractive since it wasn't that good of a comeback.

krill and kelp,
burn in hell, fuckers.

nick,
Florida barely beat Vanderbilt, so #3 should be in the bank. Unfortunately, Louisville isn't as good on the road, where they play Rutgers Thursday. Of course, if they are really #3, they should win.

dawn,
oh god, parts of Kentucky are just dreadful, especially the parts that border West Virginia.
Just kidding. I only hate West Virginians when they play Louisville in football and basketball. Otherwise I don't care.

sonrisa,
not Virginia...West Virginia. I don't want Virginians mad at me. They hold a grudge.

mark,
their other best player, Michael Bush, broke his leg the first game of the year or they'd be damn near unstoppable.

cold hands,
I'll throw ice cold beer on you so your nips get hard.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kendra,
comments like that are what makes blogging worthwhile. Thanks.

liv,
He could wear one contact, I swear.

tracy,
I'll bet the West Virginians whose eyes are too close together feud with the West Virginians whose eyes are too far apart.

cincy,
I love sports. Really. A loss by one of my favorite teams really pisses me off. BUT...the police should be allowed to open fire on anyone who riots because of a sporting event.

ruben,
I recommend Visine.

tlsd,
you don't have time for my long post, huh? Too bad.

monkey,
there are some hot chickies who go to UK. Just ask their dads.

steph,
how about a couch in the bed of a pickup truck? I'll drive right over.

nick,
you should have just shot her in the face.

mike,
are you drunk?

Blogger Nick said...

I don't want to say it, but I have to. Michigan and Ohio State play on November 11th. One of them has to lose. If Louisville beats Rutgers I see no reason why they shouldn't play the winner of the OSU/Mich game for the national championship.

That would be sweet.

Blogger Brookelina said...

New post please.

Blogger Sindy said...

Oh my God. I will love the day you rip Arkansas down.. It will come.

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