Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Thank God It's Over

I voted Tuesday afternoon, and although the polls have just closed in the east, I'm prepared to declare a winner: ME! Because I'm free from being bombarded with campaign ads. For the past two months, I've had the worst aspects of human nature highlighted in prime time. Negative messages that speak to me like I'm brain dead are not a way to get me enthused about the political process.




This is a bi-partisan hatred I'm talking about, folks. These people should be ashamed of themselves and we should be ashamed for allowing it to happen. Negative ads are produced because they work.

I'm a Democrat but I don't really think some freshman Republican Congressman from Indiana is responsible for Mark Foley (Yes, since I live across the river from Indiana, I have to see their bullshit, too). But come on, a Democratic challenger from Kentucky doesn't want Bin Laden to rule the world. Really, he doesn't. If you think he does, please kill
yourself.



I was also upset when a Republican with no military experience guestioned the patriotism of his opponent, a retired army colonel. He stole that trick from Cheney and Rumsfeld. In case you forgot, Cheney received a physical deferment from the military because he had a defective vagina.





There was some joy this election day, however. I work at a liquor store, and in accordance with Kentucky state law, no alcohol can be served or sold while the polls are open. Isn't that the dumbest law ever? But standing in our customer-less store putting away deliveries while disappointed alcoholics beat on the door demanding to be let in, despite the numerous signs saying we can't open until 6, fills me with unbridled joy. Go away, social parasites! I like to drink, but I can wait till 6 and so can you, you god damned rummies. One guy yelled at me as I walked to my car at the end of the day. "I drove here from (some godforsaken dry county). Since when have you been closed on election day?"

I ignored him. I wanted to say "Since Daniel Cunting Boone wrote the fucking law, hillbilly." But his alcohol deprivation was punishment enough.


18 Comments:

Blogger miss kendra said...

this is awesome.

politics is helping you weed out the drunks.

i knew it was good for something.

Blogger Nick said...

That's not the dumbest law ever.

It's illegal to hunt whales in Oklahoma.

That's the dumbest law ever.

No shit.

Blogger Egan said...

Todd, so with you on this one. The negative ads work the same way Springer worked, appealing to the lowest common denominator.

Nick, that's a great law for Oklahoma.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I thought Daniel Boone was from Tennessee. Or was that Davey Crockett?

Blogger Melissa said...

"Since Daniel Cunting Boone wrote the fucking law, hillbilly."

The above is quite possibly one of the most brilliantly hilarious sentences ever typed. I hope I have the opportunity to throw it into conversation someday.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more. The aggressively negative campaign ads are mean spirited and unnecessary. They're also the reason I switched to Independent 16 years ago.

Daniel Cunting Boone.

I never knew his full name. It fits.

Blogger Trix said...

That's right up there with the Trenton, NJ law, whereby it is illegal to throw pickles in the street. I don't even wanna know how THAT came in to being.

Blogger Flounder said...

There should be a law that prevents Nick from procreating.

Blogger Monkey said...

I have found myself starting to use "cunting" as an adjective in my recent exchanges with Calzone. I must thank you for expanding my vocabulary and my horizons.

I too am relieved election season is over. I was going through a bottle of Tums a day.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Aaah yes, the memories are coming back to me of a time when I too worked at a liquor store. It was great watching the booze hounds stand outside with that lost look on their faces oblivious to the prominent sign with our hours on it while we stocked shelves.

Blogger Sindy said...

I used to live in that godforsaken dry county.

Now I live next door to it.

where it's wet.

Blogger Nick said...

I'll procreate your face, Flounder.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My county is wet 24-7.

Blogger Egan said...

I misread Tits comment. Took me a moment to clean my mind up.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kendra,
that's about all it's good for.

nick,
our law is the dumbest one that actually affects people.

egan,
I think former Springer producers make most of the ads.

ubie,
Daniel Boone spent his adult years in Kentucky, although I think he was born up North somewhere. Davey Crockett I'm not sure about.

melissa,
thanks for the kind words. You are very cute and are therefore encouraged to comment often.

ddl,
I like to sometimes vote in primaries, so that's why I don't go independent.

andi,
his parents were angry people.

trix,
I think "throwing pickles in the street" is a polite way to say "Fucking in public".

flounder,
ouch.

monkey,
I'm glad I could be of assistance.

cincy,
liquor store work is crazy.

sindy,
are you saying you were wet when you wrote that? That's hot.

nick,
I think that's illegal.

tits,
I'll bet it is. I'd like to visit your "county".

egan,
just as she intended.

Blogger Egan said...

Damn her!

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Tee hee.

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