Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Happy (bitch encounter at Starbucks) Holidays

I was at the mall on Monday, late afternoon, and I decided to try to give myself a little holiday spirit by drinking an eggnog latte from Starbucks. I realize this seems like a superficial way to get in the mood for Christmas, but it was the best I could do on such short notice. I don't have children and I work at a liquor store, so seasonal cheer doesn't come as naturally to me as it does to others. I'm sorry, okay?

Anyway, a fake blonde woman and her fake blonde teenage daughter ordered their drinks before me. I paid for my eggnog latte and moved over to wait patiently for the finished product.

A few minutes later I hear: "Grande eggnog latte at the bar." I assume it belongs to Goldilocks and/or her hellish spawn, but they both shake their heads "No" so I walk up to claim my holiday spirit-giving elixir.

My hand is almost around the "Holiday edition" red cup when the woman hisses at me, "WE WERE FIRST."

"Did you order an eggnog latte?" I asked.

She replied, "NO."

"Well then, do you mind if I have this one?"

I took the drink and didn't throw it in her face, melting her botoxed cheeks in the process, but I really wanted to. Holiday cheer my ass. I guess I'll have to turn to my old friend bourbon.


What an ignorant, shrill cunt. I wish you would have doused her in a "liquid magma hot" latte.

Blogger Phain said...

my old friend Jameson knows your friend - maybe we should all have a lil' party? :)

Blogger Nick said...

See You Next Tuesday.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

God. It sounds like you were in Orange County! Don't tell me they've spread to your neck of the woods.

Do they all wear matching velour running suits where you live???

I have to figure that the men who marry them are in their own hells...

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Aaahhh, the mini-van driving, mall shopping, Josh Groban listening suburban housewife whose only purpose in life is to keep Nordstrom's in business. Isn't there some sort of virus we can unleash at a Rachel Ray book-signing that might wipe out this beast from our presence??

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You handled that with class. I would have laughed at her and said "Sucks to be you!"

Blogger Nick said...

HAHAHA! Vanderjunk got the axe in D!!!

Blogger Melissa said...

I love how the holidays bring out the best in people. Want me to find her and give her a shampoo with that latte?

Blogger miss kendra said...

ahhh, this is my everyday life.

in the grocery store, in the post office, in traffic.

sometimes i fear for my safety amongst all that silicone.

Blogger JJ said...

Clueless idiots. Products of the "everyone is special" society. You know what, lady? Not so much you and fake lips. Get to the back of the line before I kick you there.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did she actually think that just because she was first that latte would magically turn into whatever she ordered? What a douche!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do i have visions of Violet Beauregard and her hellish mother
from "Charlie and the chocolate Factory"

I admire your restraint. An egg nogg latte facial would have been most appropos for the ignorant cow.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I love you, Todd.

You could come here and make cookies with us and watch Christmas specials in front of the Christmas tree.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's what you get for going to that epicenter of evil.
I'm just sayin'

Blogger Blonde said...

All those blondes are such twats....

I love love love the eggnog latte and the gingerbread latte. yummm

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man, that totally annoys me. What - like you were supposed to wait to get your drink until they had theirs??? I don't think so! F-ing bitch.

Blogger Tits McGee said...


Blogger Sicilian said...

Caught your blog from Mom of Three's site. . . . hilarious post. . . .
I'll be checking back.

Blogger Dawn said...


Blogger yournamehere said...

she deserved it.

we should have a party, just me and you and lots of booze.

yes, she was one.

I'm sure her husband took his own life years ago.

Rachel Ray can sign her own name? She's smarter than I thought.

no, the tone of my voice was quite sarcastic. I practically sang the words.

I'll bet Peyton Manning is laughing his ass off.

yes, find her and make her suffer.

I think this woman had her own rack, but I'm not sure.

I like the "no one is special" philosophy.

I think that's what she thought.

I didn't want the mall police after me.

I'd love to do just that, but I'd lose my job. And my brother, who's coming to Louisville from Vegas for the holidays, would be upset.

cold hands,
such are the perils of suburban living. When I move to an actual neighborhood I'll be able to partake of a number of fine local coffee establishments.

I'm going to make eggnog lattes at home and add bourbon.

oh, I guess I should have let my drink sit there and get cold. I'm not much of a gentleman.



bottoms up!

Blogger Shannon said...

If only you could've pulled out a blue ribbon and pinned it to her shirt before patting her on her head and then taking a long swig from the eggnog latte. What a cunt!

Blogger katie schwartz said...

contagious silicon broads and overly face lifted men freak me out.

I wonder how she would've reacted if you actually hissed back. you know, like a cat.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Bitches....all of them!

Ho ho ho

I will be using that phrase a lot before Christams.

Blogger Monkey said...

I've been away... so I'm catching up. Just wanted you to know that this story warmed the cockles of my heart.

Blogger MOMO said...
Blogger MOMO said...

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