I was at the mall on Monday, late afternoon, and I decided to try to give myself a little holiday spirit by drinking an eggnog latte from Starbucks. I realize this seems like a superficial way to get in the mood for Christmas, but it was the best I could do on such short notice. I don't have children and I work at a liquor store, so seasonal cheer doesn't come as naturally to me as it does to others. I'm sorry, okay?
Anyway, a fake blonde woman and her fake blonde teenage daughter ordered their drinks before me. I paid for my eggnog latte and moved over to wait patiently for the finished product.
A few minutes later I hear: "Grande eggnog latte at the bar." I assume it belongs to Goldilocks and/or her hellish spawn, but they both shake their heads "No" so I walk up to claim my holiday spirit-giving elixir.
My hand is almost around the "Holiday edition" red cup when the woman hisses at me, "WE WERE FIRST."
"Did you order an eggnog latte?" I asked.
She replied, "NO."
"Well then, do you mind if I have this one?"
I took the drink and didn't throw it in her face, melting her botoxed cheeks in the process, but I really wanted to. Holiday cheer my ass. I guess I'll have to turn to my old friend bourbon.
18 Comments:
my old friend Jameson knows your friend - maybe we should all have a lil' party? :)
See You Next Tuesday.
God. It sounds like you were in Orange County! Don't tell me they've spread to your neck of the woods.
Do they all wear matching velour running suits where you live???
I have to figure that the men who marry them are in their own hells...
Aaahhh, the mini-van driving, mall shopping, Josh Groban listening suburban housewife whose only purpose in life is to keep Nordstrom's in business. Isn't there some sort of virus we can unleash at a Rachel Ray book-signing that might wipe out this beast from our presence??
You handled that with class. I would have laughed at her and said "Sucks to be you!"
HAHAHA! Vanderjunk got the axe in D!!!
I love how the holidays bring out the best in people. Want me to find her and give her a shampoo with that latte?
ahhh, this is my everyday life.
in the grocery store, in the post office, in traffic.
sometimes i fear for my safety amongst all that silicone.
Did she actually think that just because she was first that latte would magically turn into whatever she ordered? What a douche!
Why do i have visions of Violet Beauregard and her hellish mother
from "Charlie and the chocolate Factory"
I admire your restraint. An egg nogg latte facial would have been most appropos for the ignorant cow.
I love you, Todd.
You could come here and make cookies with us and watch Christmas specials in front of the Christmas tree.
That's what you get for going to that epicenter of evil.
I'm just sayin'
All those blondes are such twats....
I love love love the eggnog latte and the gingerbread latte. yummm
Mmm...bourbon.
Caught your blog from Mom of Three's site. . . . hilarious post. . . .
I'll be checking back.
Ciao
vast,
she deserved it.
phain,
we should have a party, just me and you and lots of booze.
nick,
yes, she was one.
mo3,
I'm sure her husband took his own life years ago.
cincy,
Rachel Ray can sign her own name? She's smarter than I thought.
ddl,
no, the tone of my voice was quite sarcastic. I practically sang the words.
nick,
I'll bet Peyton Manning is laughing his ass off.
melissa,
yes, find her and make her suffer.
kendra,
I think this woman had her own rack, but I'm not sure.
jj,
I like the "no one is special" philosophy.
flounder,
I think that's what she thought.
tracy,
I didn't want the mall police after me.
ubie,
I'd love to do just that, but I'd lose my job. And my brother, who's coming to Louisville from Vegas for the holidays, would be upset.
cold hands,
such are the perils of suburban living. When I move to an actual neighborhood I'll be able to partake of a number of fine local coffee establishments.
blonde,
I'm going to make eggnog lattes at home and add bourbon.
burr,
oh, I guess I should have let my drink sit there and get cold. I'm not much of a gentleman.
tits,
mmmm...tits.
sicilian,
thanks.
dawn,
bottoms up!
contagious silicon broads and overly face lifted men freak me out.
I wonder how she would've reacted if you actually hissed back. you know, like a cat.
I've been away... so I'm catching up. Just wanted you to know that this story warmed the cockles of my heart.
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