Thursday, November 30, 2006
Sharing knowledge with you, the reader
Once again it's time to share with you some of the things I've learned in life. Some of the things I haven't learned include how to find a woman with whom to grow old; how to earn a livable wage; and how to take care of my body. But I'm not going to dwell on negatives today.

What I've learned

-There isn't a human emotion, regardless of how nuanced and complex, that can't be trivialized and cheapened by the music of Phil Collins.

-No matter what hour of the day you visit a White Castle, at least one person in the restaurant would end your life at the slightest provocation.

-If a menacing redneck says "I'd hate to have to kick your ass," rest assured there's nothing more he'd rather do.

-People grow rather attached to their collectible plates from the Franklin Mint and don't appreciate it when a large, tall, drunk person, say...defecates on one.

-When a girlfriend tells you she'd like you to be more decisive, don't say "I've decided which one of your sisters I'd rather bang."

-Never argue with a man standing on a streetcorner reading from the Book of Revelations.

-If there's a long, long line at the Barber Shop but an old barber wearing a bad hairpiece has an open chair, pick up a year-old magazine and wait with everyone else.

-Ladies, if you go out on a date with a man who wears a "Git R Done" t-shirt, he will impregnate you even if you don't have sex with him. It's the way they repopulate their species, girls; there's nothing you can do about it. And if the shirt is sleeveless, you're having twins.

-Releasing a popular album in 1982 and being able to moonwalk does not make up for being a child molester.

-All of your heroes are whores.

Well, I don't want to overwhelm anyone with too much knowledge, so I'll save the rest for a later date.


30 Comments:

Blogger Lushy said...

My hatred for Phil Collins knows no bounds.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you really shit on a plate?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stay away from my John Wayne Hondo plate Todd.

I don't want to have to kick your ass.

Blogger katarina said...

Guess that makes you a whore, baby.

Blogger Shannon said...

If only I'd read that bit about the "Git R Dun" t-shirt earlier...

Blogger miss kendra said...

this is going to be so helpful when i start interacting with people again.

the doctors say i'm almost ready.

Blogger Rachel said...

Yeah that whole t-shirt info would have come in handy, say when I was 18.

Thanks for having my back man.

Lovin' you!

Blogger kate said...

you are absolutely hilarious and i now have a major crush on you.

great post.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

i always look forward to you sharing your knowledge with us!!! makes me want you even more!!!

Blogger DogGirl said...

You are indeed a genius.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you promise not to shit on my dinnerware, i'll let you be my big daddy ;)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why the hate against Phil Collins. Phil is off the hook.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I can't wrap my mind around the plate defecation scenario.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

how drunk do you have to be to poop on a plate? I think this issue must be addressed in detail for all the puzzled, head-scratching readers who must know yet also are desperate to have the visual leave their minds eye immediately.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

Here’s a little bit of knowledge…Nothing positive is ever associated with the words “gash” and “whiff”.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

Here’s a little bit of knowledge…Nothing positive is ever associated with the words “gash” and “whiff”.

Blogger Nick said...

But you're my hero.

Blogger Blonde said...

The phrase Git R Done makes my skin crawl. My twat dries up like the Sahara desert when I hear it.

You've amassed a great wealth of knowledge bro. All I know is that no matter the day, time or location on planet earth, there are always asian folks shopping at Ralph Lauren Polo outlets.

Blogger Melissa said...

I've learned you don't want an eyebrow wax from someone who draws theirs on. And I have to ask or I'll hate myslf in the morning-how drunk does one have to be to shit on a collectible?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here, we don't have White Castle, but you could substitute Taco Bell and get the same type of clientele.

Blogger yournamehere said...

lushy,
that's as it should be.

tits,
no, just a little joke for the people.

flounder,
just for that, I'm going to find and shit upon said plate.

kat,
come on down and give your hero some lovin', then.

shannon,
oh no! Another mouth to feed!

kendra,
you are progressing nicely.

rachel,
do you have a love child you didn't tell me about?

kate,
I love being the object of crushes. Thanks.

sonrisa,
my goal is to get you to want me so much you'll make the trip here to give me some love.

doggirl,
yet another young lady I'd like some lovin' from.

tracy,
promise to call me big daddy?

udi,
I'll assume this is a joke.

brooke,
it didn't happen. That was a metaphor for what I want to do to commemerative plates.

tracy,
one again, didn't happen.

housekeeper,
so important you said it twice. But I agree.

nick,
I'm a huge whore, but no one's buying.

blonde,
I'll be sure to never say it around you. Or ever.

vast,
by God, you're right!! I was in a Polo Outlet store in Pigsweat, Arkansas in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday, and the place was full of Asians.

melissa,
I just cancelled my eyebrow waxing.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Dear Todd,

Wisdom downloaded.

I feel smarter today.

Blogger katie schwartz said...

so funny, viva. love any reference to git r done.

how's beth?

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I am so glad you have not lost your genious while I was gone....not that I had anything to do with it. Don't ever call Wonder Woman a whore again.....I would hate to have to kick your ass.

Blogger Crystal said...

That whole impregnation thing goes for Arkansas Razorback t-shirts, too.

Apparently.

Blogger Monkey said...

People grow rather attached to their collectible plates from the Franklin Mint and don't appreciate it when a large, tall, drunk person, say...defecates on one.

I learn so much here.

Blogger n.v. said...

Todd, is that second last nugget of knowledge a slam at me?

Blogger n.v. said...

I don't care if MJ fucks a thousand infants, I'll always groove to the strains of "P.Y.T."

Blogger Kevin said...

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