I'd like to write for Saturday Night Live, so I could create a character based on my coworker called Tim: The Guy Who Thinks Everyone Is Gay.
This guy seriously thinks everyone is gay.
"Dude, I think (male coworker) is gay, man."
Really, all I want to do is sling some cases of liquor and go home. I don't care what anyone does as long as they aren't blowing goats in the men's room. So I usually reply, "Did he tell you he was gay?"
"No, but (vague description of allegedly gay activity)." This could be anything, by the way. The guy could have stylish hair or fashionable clothing; any aspect of a person not fully endorsed by Charles Bronson will immediately be questioned by Tim: The Guy Who Thinks Everyone Is Gay.
His SNL nemesis could be The Guy Who Doesn't Think Anyone is Gay. I've known people like this; which usually leads to this conversation:
"Man, Bob just came out. He announced that he's gay."
"No shit. Everyone already knew that."
"Really? I never would have guessed."
"What? Don't you remember the time we walked in on him sucking that guy's cock?"
"Yeah, but I just thought he was a crack addict. You know, sucking a few dicks to get him some rock."
There have been worse skits on Saturday Night Live.