Friday, December 01, 2006
The guy's a walking SNL skit

I'd like to write for Saturday Night Live, so I could create a character based on my coworker called Tim: The Guy Who Thinks Everyone Is Gay.

This guy seriously thinks everyone is gay.

"Dude, I think (male coworker) is gay, man."

Really, all I want to do is sling some cases of liquor and go home. I don't care what anyone does as long as they aren't blowing goats in the men's room. So I usually reply, "Did he tell you he was gay?"

"No, but (vague description of allegedly gay activity)." This could be anything, by the way. The guy could have stylish hair or fashionable clothing; any aspect of a person not fully endorsed by Charles Bronson will immediately be questioned by Tim: The Guy Who Thinks Everyone Is Gay.

His SNL nemesis could be The Guy Who Doesn't Think Anyone is Gay. I've known people like this; which usually leads to this conversation:

"Man, Bob just came out. He announced that he's gay."

"No shit. Everyone already knew that."

"Really? I never would have guessed."

"What? Don't you remember the time we walked in on him sucking that guy's cock?"

"Yeah, but I just thought he was a crack addict. You know, sucking a few dicks to get him some rock."

There have been worse skits on Saturday Night Live.




20 Comments:

Blogger miss kendra said...

everybody is gay?

it's a good thing i come here, or i wouldn't know anything about current events.

Blogger Übermilf said...

The everybody is gay guy is in the closet.

I'm not kidding.

Straight guys don't sit around and wonder whether or not another guy is gay.

Current husband? Never cares about the sexual preference of another man. Previous husband? Obsessed with it.

Blogger Blonde said...

I am with ubermilf...guys that do that are closeted brokeback mountaineers just waiting to bust out.

I work with a woman that thinks every woman that works with us is a slut. She is probably right, but she is just jealous because she herself is certifiably unfuckable.

Blogger Monkey said...

I've always thought you could write for SNL. Or somewhere where people get paid to write.

And I agree with Übie.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I used to have a friend like that. Anything you watched on tv with him he would swear everyone on the screen was gay. It got to be a joke with us, "Charles Bronson, HOMO!! Clint Eastwood, FAG!"

He is now living in a lovely 3/2 rancher with Bruce, his partner of five years.

Blogger Dawn said...

Because I have nothing better to do at the moment, I went onto an online thesaurus and typed in the word GAY. Here's a list of useful alternatives for the word gay. * I especially like the one listed - *zippy*

Enjoy -

Main Entry: gay
Part of Speech: adjective 1
Definition: happy
Synonyms: alert, animate, animated, blithe, blithesome, bouncy, brash, carefree, cheerful, cheery, chipper*, chirpy, confident, convivial, devil-may-care*, festive, forward, frivolous, frolicsome, fun-loving, gamesome, glad, gleeful, hilarious, insouciant, jocund, jolly, jovial, joyful, joyous, keen, light-hearted, lively, merry, mirthful, playful, pleasure-seeking, presuming, pushy, rollicking, self-assertive, sparkling, spirited, sportive, sprightly, sunny, vivacious, wild, zippy*

Blogger Nick said...

Those people are irritating.

Blogger Nick said...

Actually, now that I think about it, most people are irritating.

I have a client who's gayness can be seen from space. I just needed to tell someone....

Blogger katie schwartz said...

awww, bubbie, have a heart. your co-worker is one glory hole away from bottoming for the entire st. louis farm team.

god love him.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

SNL sucks my dick. You're way funnier.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

You are a genius.

I give you permission to lie atop me.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Tits has a dick?

Blogger Steph said...

As shakespeare would say. "Thou doth protest too much".
Translated- That dude is gay.

Blogger Anna said...

Pitch it! It's funny stuff.

Blogger Melissa said...

I've always wondered about guys who assume every other man on the planet is gay. I'm guessing they're either really insecure about their masculinity or really deeply closeted. Looks like my opinion is in good company here.
As far as writing a skit for SNL-screw SNL. You're way funnier. Go for your own TV show.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Hey...whatever happened to your blogroll?

Blogger yournamehere said...

kendra,
everyone but me, of course.

ubie,
that may be true in Chicago, but in this case I think this guy is just a giant redneck.

blonde,
the certifiably unfuckable are always hatin'.

monkey,
it would be nice to get paid. For anything, really.

brooke,
is Bruce a rancher?

dawn,
thanks for doing the research.

nick,
most people indeed are.

vast,
is he the Great Wall of Gay?

Blogger yournamehere said...

katie,
that's horrible. Ha.

tits,
SNL doesn't use it's teeth too much, does it? I hate that.

spinning girl,
one day I'm going to knock on your front door, and when I do be prepared to be laid upon.

steph,
gettin' all literary on me.

anna,
SNL does not take unsolicited manuscripts.

melissa,
I think I have the looks for radio rather than tv, but thanks.

brooke,
it was stolen by Gypsies.

Blogger katarina said...

Maybe SNL would actually be funny if you wrote for them. Although, I don't think they'd let you use the work "cock".

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