Wednesday, December 06, 2006
The Ten Worst Bands Ever
But first, the disclaimers
This is just my opinion based on the finite number of bands I've heard. I'm sure there are worse groups out there, such as every all-white Reggae band that ever played a frat party, but if they don't have a record contract and I've never heard them, I can't exactly put them on the list.

Also, I'm ranking bands only, not individual performers, which explains the absence of Kenny G.

There were probably worse hair metal bands, but no one epitomized the "image first, talent last" philosophy more than these androgynous hacks.

Fall-Out Boy
The Poison of fake emo (or "psuemo"). "Oh, we're upper-middle class. Poor us. We have a curfew and can't use dad's credit card at Hot Topic." A benevolent deity would create a special strain of pestilence just to unleash on the lead singer.

Black Eyed Peas
If there was such a thing as a Shitometer, it would break if pointed at the Black-Eyed Peas. Anyone who likes them should have their pea-sized brain harvested for scientific study.

Kottonmouth Kings
I don't believe marijuana causes brain damage, but I do believe it causes this group to write the same horrible song over and over.

Seven Mary Three
So many shit stain "grunge" bands to chose from, but these turds edge out Silverchair because the guys in Seven Mary Three were old enough to know better. On the bright side, if you have twenty dollars and a floor to sleep on, they'll play at your house. Or clean it.

Crash Test Dummies
The singer's coal-shaft deep voice combined with nonsensical lyrics to reinvent the Prince of Darkness as an effete nancy-boy. Whoever recorded this travesty should be beaten with a bag of brass doorknobs.

Every time frontman Scott Stapp did his overwrought Jesus Christ pose, a puppy died. If your puppy died while this band was still together, it's his fault. Please seek swift, old testament-style retribution.

All hippie jam bands suck to those of us who don't do drugs, but I choose Phish as the worst over the Grateful Dead and Dave Matthews Band because theirs is the flavor of Ben and Jerry's I like the least.

98 Degrees
actually a group, not a band, because a band plays instruments. I also hate N'sync for spawning 21st century minstrel show Justin Timberlake, but being a fourth-rate imitation of something that was lame in the first place gives these guys top honors. Wasn't their CD released like two days before boy bands were officially over?

Insane Clown Posse
Whenever these "artists" play the Louisville area, they're always booked at an abandoned barn in some nearby rural county, so their white trash fans can spout racial epithets and get fuckbrained on hillbilly heroin without fear of reprisal from minorities or law enforcement officers.

I guess I should have called this post "The First Ten Crappy Bands I Could Think Of", but oh well. What do you think? Who did I leave out?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I still listen to 98 Degrees.

I'd like to add to this list:

Dave Matthews Band - if I knew how to play instruments I could play them like him. There's no talent there. I wouldn't even have to learn how to read music, I'd just smoke a few joints and start twaning away and think it sounds awesome.

If you're throwing boy bands up here, why not girl? Spice girls!

Blogger Phain said... could you leave Hanson off the list??


Blogger Brookelina said...

The Beastie Boys. They suck. I don't care what anyone says.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went to see the AWESOME Neil Young and CRazy Horse but for some fuckbrained reason he had Gin Blossoms and DAve Matthews open.
(retch gag retch)

I went to see Keith Richards and the expensive winos and he had that shit shoveling "Runaway Train" band. I can't think of their name, thanks god.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

I completely blame the Black Eyed Peas lameness on Fergie, thier music will make you stupider. Also, if your doing boy groups how can you forget Color Me Badd with "I wanna sex you up" and "I adore mi amor". Let's not forget Damn Yankees and Asia.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Molly Hatchet
38 Special
ReO Shitewagon

And some folk in Chicago didn't appreciate the boatload of shit Dave's bus dumped on them last summer.

Blogger Anthony said...

You forgot Nickleback, which is clearly the worst musical act in the history of man. It's no surprise they are from Alberta.

Blogger Shannon said...

Is there a Dave Matthew's Flavor of Ben and Jerry's?

For the record, I won't eat Phish Phood because of the name.

I must disagree with Poison. I think Warrajt was far worse.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anything that came out of the 80s wearing makeup, big hair, spandex and WASNT a chick.

I'm with phain. Whenever I hear that MMMMMMBOP song, I want to shoot myself in the face.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The other day, I was browsing thru the "New Arrivals" bin at the local used CD store and I came across "The Very Best of Dokken."

"Wow," I said to myself, "that's gotta be a short album..."

Blogger Tits McGee said...

That is a solid list, sir, and I agree across the board (and that goes double for the Crash Test Dummies).

But Brooke! I couldn't possibly disagree more. They probably aren't in my ten best list, but surely they make my top twenty. Paul's Boutique? Check Your Head? That shit is dope.

Blogger Dr. Chingasa said...

What? No Bon Jovi?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gotta disagree, man. Phish Food is awesome. (The band still sucks though.)

Blogger Nick said...

Nickleback sucks ass.

I am a fan of 6 of those bands and I've seen 3 of them live.

Not the Crash Test Dummies, though. Ugh.

Blogger Nick said...

Also, Dr. Chingasa and Brooke can kiss my ass because Bon Jovi and The Beasties fucking rule.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Well, please add those ass clowns Hinder to this list. They're trying to pass themselves off as an alt-rock band; they're just Nickelback with more tatoos is all. If there is any justice in this world, they'll be playing county fairs in a few weeks.

Blogger Monkey said...

The Pussycat Dolls and Nickleback.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've never done drugs, I will never do drugs, I've never even smoked a cig and I LOVE LOVE LOVE THE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND. Obviously you don't know great music of the gods when you hear it. The Mullet gave it away...

Blogger miss kendra said...

monkey is so right.

and i love your blurb about creed.

i don't have a problem with dave matthews band, other than that they get overplayed. but hell, i live in KROQ land, where every other song is sublime or RHCP, so i know a little something about overplayed.

Blogger Melissa said...

Put down REO Speedwagon and Air Supply on the rapidly expanding list of musical suckitude. I can tolerate listening to just about anything but them. Something about those two "bands" makes me want to claw my ears off like a rabid jackal.

I hate Hinder with the white-hot burning of a thousand sexually transmitted infections, and firmly believe they deserve to be beaten with a sockful of nickels. My ex sang "Lips of an Angel" to me one night. "Horror" and "disgust" pretty adequately covers my reaction.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Van Hagar. not Van Halen, circa 1978,
But Van fuckin' Hagar.


Blogger Brookelina said...

System of a Down. I remembered them on my way to work. Worst. Band. Evah!

Blogger thephoenixnyc said...

I would only question Crash Test Dummies because they were so IRRELEVANT. I think worst bands ever had to have some relevance and staying power.

Say like "Bread" or "Foghat"

Blogger Nick said...

Now Brooke can kiss my ass because System of a Down is awesome.

Also, Van Halen with Hagar was so much infinitely better than Van Halen with David Lee Idiot.

Blogger Dawn said...

agree with you on your top 10. So I would like to add:

Ace of Base (I saw the sign)

Cinderella (Nobody's Fool)

That's all I can think of right now. I need food. Off to dinner.



Wow, none of my favorites are listed. I'm shocked and amazed!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anyone who prefers Van Hagar to Van Halen is immediately suspect in all areas of life.

Van Halen II = eternal awesomeness.

5150 = eternal suckitude.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I don't put the Spice Girls on the list because of that video where their nips are hard.

I kind of consider them in the same league as 98 Degrees.

Paul's Boutique is fucking awesome. Seriously good. I think they're mostly repeating themselves these days.

hey, thanks to Soul Asylum and the Runaway Train video, a lot of parents got their hopes up that their missing children would be found.

all three of those are excellent choices, especially Color Me Badd. They were dreadful.

dawg, you don't like Molly Hatchet? They're tight, dawg.

several months ago I did a post about the suckiness of Nickleback, but I completely forgot about them this time around. You are correct about them being god awful.

the Dave Matthew's flavor was quite good, but I don't know if it's still available.

that's a lot of bands.

remember when we were about to enter the Buffalo Wild Wings in St. Matthews when a jeep with a boomin' system pulled up blasting Ummmbop? We pointed and laughed at them.

Dokken was not only sucky, but they were a little pretentious.

gotta love Paul's Boutique.

dr. chingasa,
I had to keep it at ten, but they are bad.

oh, I like Phish Food, but Cherry Garcia and the One Sweet Swirled are better.

Blogger yournamehere said...

did you take off your shirt at the 98 Degrees concert?

you really like Bon Jovi? You tampon.

I don't know who Hinder is, but I'll take your word for it.

The Pussycat Dolls are great dancers.

I don't have a mullet. If Dave Matthews Band is music of the gods, then I'm an audio atheist.

as I said to you before, I don't understand the enduring popularity of Sublime. They weren't that good.

so Hinder doing a Speedwagon cover wouldn't do it for you, huh?

van hagar is a travesty.

the way they sing really annoys me.

that's a good point, but that to me is one of the worst songs ever, so I had to include them.

a guy who likes Futurama but hates the Simpsons WOULD like Van Hagar and hate Van Halen.

oooh, Ace of Base: not good.

we're meant for each other. This is proof.

that's Nick in a nutshell.

Blogger DogGirl said...

"Nick in a Nutshell" - the newest Ben & Jerry's flavor.

Loathe Nickelback.

I hate Limp Bizkit. Just the name Fred Durst makes me seethe though he may be the most famous actual retard next to Corky.

Blogger DogGirl said...


Blogger Nick said...

Hinder is awesome.

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