Thursday, December 07, 2006
Jewelry and the Engagement Ring Scam
This is my blog friend Brooke's "dream engagement ring". Her rich handsome future husband is going to take time out from his job, CEO of the Universe, to knock down her front door with his enormous penis and hand her this rock. Good for her.

I personally do not own one piece of jewelry, unless you count a cheap watch as jewelry, and you wouldn't if you saw this watch. I don't like jewelry; I consider it a huge waste of money. If other people want to spend their hard-earned cash on shiny objects, that's their right.

But I do have a major problem with the engagement ring scam. I think diamond rings are a ridiculous luxury that has nothing to do with love and commitment and everything to do with well-executed brainwashing courtesy of the world's jewelers.

"Gee honey, wouldn't you rather take a nice vacation or buy enough clothes to last the next few years?"

"No. I want a ring with a diamond the size of Ted Kennedy's head."

"Why don't I just burn several thousand dollars? At least the heat from the fire would keep us warm for awhile."

Okay, so I'm never getting married. I don't care. It's not like they're lining up, ring or not. The madness has to stop somewhere. What if people start demanding expensive, useless items for other occasions?

"Honey, I know I'm seven months pregnant, but I want a solid gold i-pod, or so help me Christ I'm having a back alley abortion."

And men can get into the act as well:

"Dear, if you expect me to mow the lawn, I'm going to need a pair of boxer shorts made of fabric from the Shroud of Turin."

I realize I'm pissing into the wind here. Like Brooke said when I told her of my objections, "Fuck you, Todd. I want my ring."


35 Comments:

Blogger MsHellion said...

I asked my Old Man to marry me, so no engagement ring. It can happen.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let a woman dream. Don't piss in her cornflakes!

when George Clooney comes for me, i'm sure he'll be toting a rock at least that big.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I proposed to Hubby with a diamond tie tack that cost less than $200. Both our wedding rings, plus my engagement ring came to $1800. We are frugal Yankees, and damn proud of it.

Also, the Ted Kennedy line made me spit wine on my keyboard. I love you.

Diamonds aren't even remotely rare. Have you ever heard of a "diamond shortage?" It is one of the biggest scams ever perpetuated on mankind.

I would love a pair of those boxers though!

Blogger Nick said...

Hell I can just go kill a few south africans and get my own diamonds.

I don't begrudge anyone their ring and even kinda have my own idea about what I'd like.

That said, I agree with your brother. There is no diamond shortage and freaking DeBeers is the world's biggest freaking mafia boss/cartel and every country just bends over and spreads their asscheek. The US Antitrust division couldn't take them down.

What makes me laugh the most is the attachment people have to the brand names. Dude, there is a solid chance everyone of your diamonds is emanating from the same volcano serviced by small 3rd world infants, cripples and pregnant women with mustachioed safari types laughing devilishly and whipping them with rawhide. I mean, Zales or Tiffany, it's all mined with a proper sense of cruelty and utter disregard for human life and isn't that what's most important? The difference in companies is that you're paying for the image overhead each most expensive company you go for is racking up and has to offload to you in cost.

Still, they do sparkle real purty.

All countries being one-cheeked in terms of their ass :)

Blogger AMS said...

mmmmmm shiny things

Blogger AMS said...

mmmmmm shiny things

Blogger katarina said...

I have to agree. I don't need anything real. I acyually picked my future engagement and wedding rings out of the Avon book.
$29.99 baby!

Blogger ChiroMum said...

See, according to the hubby, it isn't really the diamond of your future wife's dreams that you have to worry about...it is the diamond that her mother/sister already has that you have to worry about...status quo and all that jazz.

And yes, DeBeers is the antichrist.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The first thing I told my boyfriend when we got serious was that if he bought me a diamond engagement ring I wouldn't marry him. THe chance that I'll be wearing someone's blood on my hand as what is supposed to be a symbol of love is just disgusting to me. I want a unique and interesting ring but it doesn't have to be at all expensive. It could have a neat looking rock (real rock) in it or some other less expensive gem (although those may have blood attached too but I'm not as aware of it). I want it to be something no one else will come close to having.

Blogger Melissa said...

Call me weird(and many have), but if I ever get engaged I could care less if I get a huge diamond ring.

Something about the actual commitment and relationship being more important than a symbol or some crap like that.

Enough of the deep and introspective talk. Who wants ice cream?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://money.cnn.com/2006/09/11/news/companies/diamondjewelry_movie/index.htm?postversion=2006091116

Blood(conflict)Diamonds.
My wedding set were rubies and i love the uniqueness.

Blogger Onyx said...

I agree with you wholeheartedly. So hubby and I did two things:

- I got him an engagement watch (I don't think it's fair only the woman get something)

- I didn't push on the wedding ring. The first one we got was a simple gold band for $30 which I would have been happy with (still wear it on a necklace every day). But then hubby surprised me with a little bit more expensive set. I love it because he tried to surprise me with it, not because how expensive it is. He wants to replace the rock with a larger one, but I insist not. I love my ring and the meaning behind it.

Blogger miss kendra said...

when i get engaged, i want a ring made from the bones of all his exgirlfriends.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd rather have a Sony Bravia for that kind of jack.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

...and my old boss was so cheap that he could eat a bag of chracoal and shit a diamond.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

AND HOW!!!! i'v never really understood the whole diamond ring thing either. a waste of money is what it is to me!!!

sweetie, my engagement ring came be made from a gum wrapper for all i care just as long as i know you and i will be together for ever is what really matters to me!!

Blogger kate said...

am i the only chick on the planet who couldn't care less about an engagement ring? i don't want one. i'd be happy with a plain band.

I much rather give a woman a nice diamond cutter. At least I can keep that when she dumps my ass after she finds out I voted for George Bush !!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm gonna be honest here...size does matter. If I'm expected to where that thing for the rest of my life, it better be nice.

Blogger Brookelina said...

That Brooke is so fucking smart!

Blogger Übermilf said...

I hate to sound like a suck-up, but...

I agree. I would rather have a downpayment on a house than to make the bloodthirsty DeBeers family that much richer.

That's not to say I don't have an engagement ring; I do, and it meant a lot to me when Dilf gave it to me. It's a vintage 1920's art deco piece; a sapphire. I love sapphires, and I picked it because I love the ring. I didn't even look at the price, I just picked something I knew I could love the rest of my life, and I picked someONE I knew I could love the rest of my life, too.

But that's just me. Women come in all types, and many like the diamonds.

Blogger Dawn said...

Ubermilf, I love your story.

And as for me, I love pretty, sparkley things. And the diamond or whatever precious stone it is in my ring - no matter how big or how small must be excellent quality. I'll take quality over quantity.

To each his/her own though.

Blogger MLE said...

Well, all I can say is that I learned from the commercials on teevee that the Hulk doesn't really love me unless he buys overpriced diamond jewelry and two or three small children lose their limbs so I can have said fancy diamond jewelry.

He'd better get me a diamond the size of Ted Kennedy's head or there will be hell to pay.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i had a boyfriend who said he'd give me a pebbble because it would have as much meaning if he were asking me to marry him with it.

this is the same guy who said he'd give me flowers when i died. Until then, they're a waste.

I wonder why i didn't marry that gem of a guy.

Blogger Al Sensu said...

A ring like that means "I own you." I would expect a daily BJ for at least 10 years.

Blogger sappmama said...

I am married, but, my friend, when it comes to this ring nonsense, you're absolutely on the money.

Diamonds are arbitrary. We think they're intrinsically valuable, which is ricockulous.

Blogger Nick said...

That's the sexiest thing I've ever read, Miss Kendra.

Blogger DogGirl said...

Same here, diamond schmiamond. I want a great big house I'll get half of when I cheat then divorce you.

Your list of bands actually inspired my first post in 5 months!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel the same way about weddings. I love my friends and adore my family, but when it comes down to it, the only person I care about being at the wedding is the groom.

The thought of dropping $15,000 or more for a ceremony and reception makes me want to vomit. I'd rather elope and go on a honeymoon for a fraction of the cost.

Good points, all, Toddsky.

I still want a fuckin' ring though. Platinum with a rock the size of Paris Hilton's overblown head. Top that shit.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I'm ignoring the possiblity that Brooke's favorite color is clear. Because that would explain why she loves diamonds so much.

Blogger Crystal said...

I completely agree. That DeBeers commercial a couple of years back? The one where the woman was embarrassed when the man was screaming, "I love this woman!", in public until he pulled out a rock big enough to choke a gator? Yeah, then she was all about some PDA. Fucking whore.

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