I'm going to do a little more than just list my resolutions here. I'm going to explain how I plan to stick to said resolutions.
Lose weight
I have a hard time sticking to a diet because the weight comes off very easily at first, but then I'll hit a plateau and that's the end of it. What I need to do is find a weight loss program that takes off the pounds in record time. That's where the effective albeit controversial Heroin and Corn Diet Plan comes in.
The diet is quite simple. You eliminate all foods except corn, and you develop a raging heroin addiction. Have you ever seen a fat heroin addict? No, you haven't. The best part of this diet is it's adaptability. As the heroin makes your teeth fall out, you can easily switch from corn on the cob to frozen corn to putting a can of creamed corn in a blender and sucking it through a straw. With the help of the Heroin and Corn Diet Plan, my goal is to weigh one-fiddy by mid-March.
Make more money
I'm beginning to doubt the nobility of abject poverty, so making some grown-up money is going to be a priority this year. Will I achieve my financial goals through hard work and/or education? Of course not! Duh. Shame on you for even thinking that. I'm going for the GET RICH QUICK SCHEME. Now, bear with me here... I think pubic hair is going to make a major comeback in '07. By July or August every young woman in America will be sporting full bush, baby; and they'll want to keep the 'hair down there' as soft, shiny, and clean-smelling as possible. That's where my new invention, Shampubes, the Shampoo for Pubic Hair, comes in. Look for the smiling face of whichever chick from Real World: Denver accepts the least amount of money on every bottle.
Get lotsa sexin' up
Since I'll be thin and rich, the next stop on the Todd Express is Pussyville. I plan on getting a plethora of poon by lying. Let me practice some of these lies.
"I'd love to hear your detailed recap of last season's American Idol."
"No, you're much prettier than (insert name of much prettier girl)."
"Alright! A John Mayer CD."
"Every time two chicks make out in front of me, I donate a thousand dollars to the Salvation Army."
"You are so funny."
"It's not contagious, baby."
"You are the smartest stripper I've ever met."
Become a better blogger
Well, maybe not. If I'm rich and bangin' broads two at a time, the last thing I'll want to do is blog.
In other words, look for plenty of blogging from me in 2007.
Lose weight
I have a hard time sticking to a diet because the weight comes off very easily at first, but then I'll hit a plateau and that's the end of it. What I need to do is find a weight loss program that takes off the pounds in record time. That's where the effective albeit controversial Heroin and Corn Diet Plan comes in.
The diet is quite simple. You eliminate all foods except corn, and you develop a raging heroin addiction. Have you ever seen a fat heroin addict? No, you haven't. The best part of this diet is it's adaptability. As the heroin makes your teeth fall out, you can easily switch from corn on the cob to frozen corn to putting a can of creamed corn in a blender and sucking it through a straw. With the help of the Heroin and Corn Diet Plan, my goal is to weigh one-fiddy by mid-March.
Make more money
I'm beginning to doubt the nobility of abject poverty, so making some grown-up money is going to be a priority this year. Will I achieve my financial goals through hard work and/or education? Of course not! Duh. Shame on you for even thinking that. I'm going for the GET RICH QUICK SCHEME. Now, bear with me here... I think pubic hair is going to make a major comeback in '07. By July or August every young woman in America will be sporting full bush, baby; and they'll want to keep the 'hair down there' as soft, shiny, and clean-smelling as possible. That's where my new invention, Shampubes, the Shampoo for Pubic Hair, comes in. Look for the smiling face of whichever chick from Real World: Denver accepts the least amount of money on every bottle.
Get lotsa sexin' up
Since I'll be thin and rich, the next stop on the Todd Express is Pussyville. I plan on getting a plethora of poon by lying. Let me practice some of these lies.
"I'd love to hear your detailed recap of last season's American Idol."
"No, you're much prettier than (insert name of much prettier girl)."
"Alright! A John Mayer CD."
"Every time two chicks make out in front of me, I donate a thousand dollars to the Salvation Army."
"You are so funny."
"It's not contagious, baby."
"You are the smartest stripper I've ever met."
Become a better blogger
Well, maybe not. If I'm rich and bangin' broads two at a time, the last thing I'll want to do is blog.
In other words, look for plenty of blogging from me in 2007.
29 Comments:
i AM the smartest stripper, it's true.
also, i wouldn't mind being rich and banging two broads. does lesbian sex count as sex? i could be a lesbian in '07.
In the good old days (the eighties) people lost weight with cocaine. It also had the side benefit of stripping them of money, as well. One of the reasons I never tried it.
My best weight-loss plan (35 pounds) was to discover a couple of years ago that I had celiac disease, a genetic allergy to wheat (1 in 130 people have it-- lucky me). Since I can no longer eat about 80% of what I like. Plus I can't drink beer. I can't keep up the alcohol calories with wine. But I'll keep trying!
Of course, working two jobs and having two kids doesn't hurt with keeping weight off either.
My old thing in college (again in the eighties) was to talk about soap operas-- particularly All My Children and General Hospital. "Hey-- I missed GH/All My Kids yesterday-- did anyone catch it?" There were inevitably a half dozen women eager to talk about it.
Of course, this led to a bunch of relationships with really nice women whom I had nothing in common. But hey, that's what your twenties and college are for, aren't they?
Does platonic love count?
Shampubes. You need to write the next sniglets book... you'll have time between banging chicks because the H will have you working quadruple time. Okay, I've met you, make that 50x.
We have all the same goals. We're so right for each other.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
My resolution is to become a smart stripper on heroin.
Shampubes; it's demented and twisted, but I like it.
Ill take all you have of it!!
Pussyville?
Mmmmmmmm- it's a nice place to be.
We shall support you in your 07 goals there big guy!!
I think the Shampubes label should have your face with a big shit-eating grin and a text balloon that reads:
"Gee, your hair smells terrific!"
No offense, but Shampubes doesn't sound like a name that will really appeal to the ladies.
Try something like Le Pube or Snatch!. Chicks dig products that use an exclamation point in their names.
You are so funny.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm right there with you on the "blogging a lot and not getting any lovin'" couch.
That line about recapping American Idol is a sure fire way to bed some brain-dead chica who actually thinks that watching people sing karaoke on TV is important. Oh, to be as simple minded as the unclean masses would be nice ....
Miss Kendra rocks!
I don't want to burst your bubble....but brazilian waxes will be the hottest thing in '07....so I suggest you invent something to keep the hair from growing back and the skin feeling like a babies ass and not like grandpas stubbled face.
I'm the mayor of pussyville and I'm sexing you up in '07!!
I was sold by the John Mayer comment. Now, come here and take me, big boy!
Jungle bush is going to be the "in" thing for summer?!?!?! For once I will not be fashionable.
I love you the way you are on the inside and outside :). Please don't change.
LOL, bangin broads two at a time..does that imply you got two penis'? THen, you rock :)
what are your feelings on creamed corn in the bedroom?
kendra,
lesbian sex, especially lesbian sex involving you, counts DOUBLE.
johnny,
can't drink beer? I guess I'll always be fat.
ubie,
that was a nice thing to say. Thanks.
ubie,
platonic love counts, except between the hours of midnight and 6am.
doggirl,
I don't want to have time between banging chicks.
brooke,
so you finally admit it, huh?
tits,
because of your awesome rack?
kat,
we can do heroin in between the sexin' up.
m,
I love women who like demented and twisted.
ams,
can I help you lather, rinse, and repeat?
kate,
you can say "fucking" on this blog. It's okay, really.
cold hands,
I need your support.
tracy,
that's a good idea. You can design the label if you like.
flounder,
I'll go with Shampubes! but that's the only compromise I'll make.
finn,
thank you.
melissa,
if you were with me on the couch, I'd give you some lovin'.
cincy,
it will only work if I'm thin and rich.
tumbleweed,
now that I have that in writing, I'll be expecting a little sumthin'-sumthin'.
andi,
you know I want you.
blonde,
I'm not going to change as much as I just want to lose a few pounds.
cazzie,
if you have enough drinks, it'll look like I have two.
dawn,
are you lying to me to get me to sleep with you? Cool.
spinning girl,
as long as it also involves you, I'm fine with it.
spinning girl,
will you pretend I'm a sushi roll?
vast,
that is a tall task. Some of my blog friends are happily married; others are simply too young and hot to want me. Then there's the fact that no one wants to visit Louisville.
Jesus God, I'm glad things don't change all too fast around these here parts.
But I've been throwing out the idea of some diet plans, myself.
There's the South Cow Diet, where you just eat cheeseburgers from Fuddruckers and laugh as small children get stuck in your cellulite.
And then, there's the Meth and Melon diet, which follows the same principle as the Heroin and Corn diet, except pooping probably isn't as fun on the Meth and Melon diet.
Lemmee know how it works out.
One-fiddy beckons to me as well. But not so much the heroin-hag look that's apparently all the rage.. I can never keep up.
by 'support' do you mean naked pictures?
John Mayer...
Him and James Blunt can go throw themselves off of something tall any day.
And tell Johnny Yen that there is a Gluten-Free beer now, made for people with Celiac... Beer is my job, getting people drunk is my passion.
Stormin'--
Thanks-- I saw the news story about the Anheuser-Busch product. Found out that there are three others out there as well. I've very excited.
Clearly, you're wasted in retail. You need to write a self help book or somethin.
There are dicks out there that could really use your smarts. :P
fritz,
welcome back!!! Melon and Meth is a good idea, actually.
sindy,
don't worry about keeping up. You're fine as you are.
cold hands,
yes. Lots and lots of naked pictures. I believe you have my email.
stormin,
beer is your business? Cool.
johnny,
hell, that is great news for you.
steph,
have I told you lately that I love you?
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