Tuesday, December 26, 2006
I ran...I ran so far away

My brother was in town for Christmas, and he reminded me of an amusing thing that happened to us about five or six years ago.

He and I were about to go out one Saturday night when he pulled into a Thornton's Gas Station to fill up his car. As he stood by the pumps, I got out of the car to go inside and get a Coke.

I had just stepped out when I heard my brother yell "HOLY FUCK! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!"

I ran without question, because my brother isn't a jumpy person. If he was running through a parking lot at full speed, screaming at the top of his lungs, he had a god damn good reason for doing so. I was thinking he spotted a sniper or worse yet, an ex-girlfriend.

As I followed behind him, I heard him say, "YOUR CAR IS ON FIRE! YOU'RE GOING TO BLOW THIS PLACE UP!"

When I ran past the building I saw a Thornton's employee out of the corner of my eye, rushing outside with a fire extinguisher. "FUCK SHIT GOD DAMN YOUR CAR IS ON FIRE!!!"

There was a lot of screaming and running about, just like in the film Raising Arizona.

What my brother had seen was a young woman pull into the gas station, right next to the pumps, about a foot from where he was standing, with flames shooting out from the hood of her car. Why did this woman decide a gas station was the best place to park her flaming automobile? I guess the Nitroglycerine Plant was too far down the road.

Once I was behind the building, I looked around the corner to see the poor frantic Thornton's employee extinguish the flame, preventing dozens of people from being blown to smithereens. This guy was a hero; a reluctant hero, but a hero nonetheless. I hope they gave him a quarter raise or a bulletproof vest, something in recognition of his bravery in the face of unimaginable stupidity. I wonder if he has a blog? I'd like to hear this story from his perspective.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sadly, I think stupidity will never cease to amaze.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Love the Flock of Seagulls reference.

You were very brave in this story. Oh wait, no you weren't.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

holy everliving crap!!!!

Blogger Olga said...

I wish that stupidity caused physical pain so the idiotic could be trained to avoid inflicting their stupidity on those around them. Like Pavlov’s dogs.

Blogger Melissa said...

I wrote about future Darwin Award winners tonight, too.

The stupidity of some people just boggles the mind, doesn't it?

Blogger sink sink socks said...

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Blogger Nick said...

Something about gay piss bilder gratis.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's nothing like a car-b-que at the pumps, eh? You were lucky to have such a brave minimum wage-earner on duty that night, that's for sure.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hopefully you had a great holiday and may the New Year bring pain to those who deserve a shovel to the face such as smart people driving a flaming car into a gas station.

Blogger Al Sensu said...

You're right -- best case is he gets a 25 cent raise. But man, let's not raise the minimum wage. It will ruin the economy. Just pretend Oregon doesn't exist.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Olga said "I wish that stupidity caused physical pain.."

Jackass Movies and Darwin awards. I'm just sayin.

a couple summers ago we had a rash of drunk dumbasses driving into gas pumps and causing explosions. luckily no one died and the offenders hit and ran, amazingly.

i would love to have seen Todd running like a madman away from a flaming auto.

Blogger Sara said...

what I desperately want to know is, did you run straight or in a serpentine fashion to avoid flying debris?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's always been my credo that if I have to ake someone out with a burning vehicle, I'll aim for the person with the shitiest job. Like I'm not doing them a favor.

Blogger Dawn said...

Oh thanks.... Now I have that Flock of Seagulls song stuck in my head.

So is your story what inspired that one scene where the male models and their jeep blow-up at the gas station in the movie Zoolander?

Thank god for the underpaid station attendant and his extinguishing skills.

Blogger yournamehere said...

there's something about dumbness.

thanks for pointing out the obvious.

spinning girl,
I'm going to start saying "Holy everliving crap".

some people can't help themselves.

it almost killed us all.

sink sink socks,
thanks for wasting everyone's time. I hope you get cancer.

it's pure poetry.

is that like Fergielicious?

she needed a shovel.

al sensu,
I've always pretended Oregon doesn't exist.

every now and then a drunk redneck runs into a Shriner's Parade. It's a shame.

I probably ran as straight as a fat man can run.

I don't think she was the humanitarian you are.

he may have been the manager. I never got a chance to thank him.

Blogger Nick said...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

And you think nothing exciting happens in your life...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have nothing clever to say, since I just took my doctor-prescribed drugs and they make me... what's the word? lobotomized, maybe.

But I've been meaning to note that Melissa has very nice cheekbones.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love a good heartwarming holiday story.

Also, I love ficktitten.

And you, Todd.

I'm with Cincy on this one. After I got my heart rate down under 200, I wanted to hit that lady in the face with a shovel. Hard too.

Blogger Askinstoo said...

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

There ya go, Todd! Make 900.00 a month like Trump in the last post.
You can give up the retail heaven in which you currently luxuriate.

Where's your shovel?

Blogger Monkey said...

I guess the Nitroglycerine Plant was too far down the road.

I love you.

And like my Brooke, I too enjoyed the Flock of Seagulls title.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

The guy prolly pissed himself and doesn't want to relive the moment.

Why does all the good shit happen to you, my life is so boring...damn!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Ma'am, we never meant to influence anybody. And if we did, we apologize." Raising Arizona is one of my favorites as well.

Could you have imagined being the insurance adjustor on that one?

"And then, ma'am, when your car erupted in to flames, you did what?"

"I drove it up next to some gas pumps."

"Uh huh...."

Hey Askinstoo, go have sex with yourself! Contrary to what you believe, giving handjobs at a Greyhound station for a dollar a whack is not the type of spare time income anyone here is looking for. Asshole.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

where have you gone?? i need your posts daily... they are my crack...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i must have reread this post and comments a number of times and it hasn't failed to make me laugh out loud each time. I obviously need a hobby. or a date.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i'm back, but sick again.


i will be on the couch if you need me.

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