My memory isn't what it used to be, okay? Yeah, some shit went down in the aught-six; I just don't remember what happened in a specific month. However, I feel obligated to put this shit-all year out of its misery, so here are my vague recollections of the past 365.
January
It was sort of cold, but since I lived in Vegas, not as cold as it was where most of you lived; or as cold as it is where I live now. I think I got my w-2's in the mail. And I may or may not have fucked a midget.
February
At least two less days of shittiness than your average month. Also, since February is Black History Month, I was treated to a four-hour B.E.T. retrospective on the career of Sir Mix-a-lot.
March
If there were flowers in Las Vegas, they would have started to bloom. Instead, a group of Florida State coeds in town on Spring Break showed me their tits.
April
If God didn't want me to spend the entire month sitting alone in a local's casino playing penny slots and drinking free bourbons, then why did I do it?
May
I visited Irvine, California, the open herpes sore of Orange County. And me without my Valtrex.
June
I moved back to Louisville, leaving behind a minor gambling addiction and half of my blog traffic.
July
Tired of unemployment, I resorted to re-employment at the liquor store where I worked before I moved to Vegas. Surprisingly, it isn't any better the second time around. And I may or may not have fucked a hare-lip gal who works at Shoney's.
August
Perhaps the schweatiest month on record. Insert your own I schweated like...joke here.
September
I got even older. Young ladies sent me pictures of their boobs. One pair was so fantastic I had a minor heart attack, but it was worth it. Also, I attended Lebowski Fest and drank like Mickey Mantle on St. Patrick's Day.
October
Uh, odds are I wrote something really hateful about Lindsay Lohan.
November
I celebrated Thanksgiving Day by eating turkey and sending smallbox-infested blankets to the nearest Indian casino.
December
For Christmas I got the greatest gift a man can receive: A latex mold of Bea Arthur's vagina.
Have a cuntastic 2007, people.
January
It was sort of cold, but since I lived in Vegas, not as cold as it was where most of you lived; or as cold as it is where I live now. I think I got my w-2's in the mail. And I may or may not have fucked a midget.
February
At least two less days of shittiness than your average month. Also, since February is Black History Month, I was treated to a four-hour B.E.T. retrospective on the career of Sir Mix-a-lot.
March
If there were flowers in Las Vegas, they would have started to bloom. Instead, a group of Florida State coeds in town on Spring Break showed me their tits.
April
If God didn't want me to spend the entire month sitting alone in a local's casino playing penny slots and drinking free bourbons, then why did I do it?
May
I visited Irvine, California, the open herpes sore of Orange County. And me without my Valtrex.
June
I moved back to Louisville, leaving behind a minor gambling addiction and half of my blog traffic.
July
Tired of unemployment, I resorted to re-employment at the liquor store where I worked before I moved to Vegas. Surprisingly, it isn't any better the second time around. And I may or may not have fucked a hare-lip gal who works at Shoney's.
August
Perhaps the schweatiest month on record. Insert your own I schweated like...joke here.
September
I got even older. Young ladies sent me pictures of their boobs. One pair was so fantastic I had a minor heart attack, but it was worth it. Also, I attended Lebowski Fest and drank like Mickey Mantle on St. Patrick's Day.
October
Uh, odds are I wrote something really hateful about Lindsay Lohan.
November
I celebrated Thanksgiving Day by eating turkey and sending smallbox-infested blankets to the nearest Indian casino.
December
For Christmas I got the greatest gift a man can receive: A latex mold of Bea Arthur's vagina.
Have a cuntastic 2007, people.
19 Comments:
Are you mocking Bea?
We have to got to do better in 2007.
Sysm is going to be SOOOOO jealous.
Um didnt you forget that you met me this year? God Todd I thought it was as great for you as it was for me.
only one small heart attack?
yea, I'm very curious about who had the best breasts
nick,
luck's got nothing to do with it.
dena,
no, I'm mocking a latex mold of her vagina.
mike,
Happy New Year. See you in May.
brooke,
yes, we have to got to.
ubie,
jealous of what? The Bea Arthur fauxgina? The sex with the hare lip?
liv,
oh, you know it was great for me. It depressed me when you moved away.
kendra,
actually, it was a series of heart attacks, and I was in a coma for a few days. I didn't want to worry anyone, though.
knitty,
that secret stays with me, but she knows who she is.
Happy New Year Todd!.. 07's gotta be better than 06.. IT'S JUST GOTTA!!!!
Fauxgina=big funny. Possibly big fanny if you're in Britain.
Thanks for the vocabulary expansion and belly laughs, Todd. Hope your New Year is a wonderful one.
Sysm is in love with Bea Arthur.
I want a hot threesome with Sysm and Bea Arthur.
Also, I may not have sent you a picture of my tits, but I did send you a homemade stick figure porno. That has to count for something, right?
Happy New Year!
SHAZAM!
Lost only have of blog readership... not those of us who count!
Why does that woman keep saying my name?
It's not like she's Mary Marvel or some shit.
If I had broken down my 2007 by month, I would have slit my wrists by the time I got to July. My 2006 sucked worst then a $2 hooker in Atlantic City.
Wishing you a fabulous 2007! I am still here as your biggest fan!
Take it easy on Bea's twat....
That was beautiful Todd. Positively cuntastic.
Wow...
You've had a very productive year. We need to hang out.
sindy,
damn straight.
melissa,
right back at ya.
ubie,
really? I took him to be a Betty White guy.
tits,
I want a threesome with your right boob and left boob.
real,
everything counts in large amounts.
madmeer,
at least I didn't get the mold from Sally Struther's vagina.
shazam,
are you ever mistaken for Father Time? I'll bet that really pisses you off.
blonde,
if you give the hooker five dollars, she'll suck it like she means it.
andi,
cuntalicious.
kat,
we need to hang out repeatedly.
vast,
that it does, Edward.
is it so wrong to love Bea Arthur?
You are hilarious
Post a Comment
<< Home