Saturday, December 30, 2006
The Year in Review...sort of
My memory isn't what it used to be, okay? Yeah, some shit went down in the aught-six; I just don't remember what happened in a specific month. However, I feel obligated to put this shit-all year out of its misery, so here are my vague recollections of the past 365.

It was sort of cold, but since I lived in Vegas, not as cold as it was where most of you lived; or as cold as it is where I live now. I think I got my w-2's in the mail. And I may or may not have fucked a midget.

At least two less days of shittiness than your average month. Also, since February is Black History Month, I was treated to a four-hour B.E.T. retrospective on the career of Sir Mix-a-lot.

If there were flowers in Las Vegas, they would have started to bloom. Instead, a group of Florida State coeds in town on Spring Break showed me their tits.

If God didn't want me to spend the entire month sitting alone in a local's casino playing penny slots and drinking free bourbons, then why did I do it?

I visited Irvine, California, the open herpes sore of Orange County. And me without my Valtrex.

I moved back to Louisville, leaving behind a minor gambling addiction and half of my blog traffic.

Tired of unemployment, I resorted to re-employment at the liquor store where I worked before I moved to Vegas. Surprisingly, it isn't any better the second time around. And I may or may not have fucked a hare-lip gal who works at Shoney's.

Perhaps the schweatiest month on record. Insert your own I schweated like...joke here.

I got even older. Young ladies sent me pictures of their boobs. One pair was so fantastic I had a minor heart attack, but it was worth it. Also, I attended Lebowski Fest and drank like Mickey Mantle on St. Patrick's Day.

Uh, odds are I wrote something really hateful about Lindsay Lohan.

I celebrated Thanksgiving Day by eating turkey and sending smallbox-infested blankets to the nearest Indian casino.

For Christmas I got the greatest gift a man can receive: A latex mold of Bea Arthur's vagina.

Have a cuntastic 2007, people.


Blogger Nick said...

Bea Arthur's vagina? Lucky fuck.

Blogger n.v. said...

Are you mocking Bea?

Happy New Year big man..

Blogger Brookelina said...

We have to got to do better in 2007.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sysm is going to be SOOOOO jealous.

Blogger Liv said...

Um didnt you forget that you met me this year? God Todd I thought it was as great for you as it was for me.

Blogger miss kendra said...

only one small heart attack?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

yea, I'm very curious about who had the best breasts

Blogger yournamehere said...

luck's got nothing to do with it.

no, I'm mocking a latex mold of her vagina.

Happy New Year. See you in May.

yes, we have to got to.

jealous of what? The Bea Arthur fauxgina? The sex with the hare lip?

oh, you know it was great for me. It depressed me when you moved away.

actually, it was a series of heart attacks, and I was in a coma for a few days. I didn't want to worry anyone, though.

that secret stays with me, but she knows who she is.

Blogger Sindy said...

Happy New Year Todd!.. 07's gotta be better than 06.. IT'S JUST GOTTA!!!!

Blogger Melissa said...

Fauxgina=big funny. Possibly big fanny if you're in Britain.

Thanks for the vocabulary expansion and belly laughs, Todd. Hope your New Year is a wonderful one.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sysm is in love with Bea Arthur.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want a hot threesome with Sysm and Bea Arthur.

Also, I may not have sent you a picture of my tits, but I did send you a homemade stick figure porno. That has to count for something, right?

Happy New Year!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lost only have of blog readership... not those of us who count!

Blogger MadMeer said...

At least you didn't get Sally Struther's vagina mold. Yuck.

Happy new year! Let's hope 2007 brings you better looking slutty waitresses.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why does that woman keep saying my name?

It's not like she's Mary Marvel or some shit.

Blogger Blonde said...

If I had broken down my 2007 by month, I would have slit my wrists by the time I got to July. My 2006 sucked worst then a $2 hooker in Atlantic City.

Wishing you a fabulous 2007! I am still here as your biggest fan!

Take it easy on Bea's twat....

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was beautiful Todd. Positively cuntastic.

Blogger katarina said...

You've had a very productive year. We need to hang out.

That mold I gave you of Bea Arthur's hugina is the gift that keeps on giving the whole year!

Blogger yournamehere said...

damn straight.

right back at ya.

really? I took him to be a Betty White guy.

I want a threesome with your right boob and left boob.

everything counts in large amounts.

at least I didn't get the mold from Sally Struther's vagina.

are you ever mistaken for Father Time? I'll bet that really pisses you off.

if you give the hooker five dollars, she'll suck it like she means it.


we need to hang out repeatedly.

that it does, Edward.

Blogger M said...

is it so wrong to love Bea Arthur?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are hilarious

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