Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Animosity As Big As Your Head

I ate and drank way too much on New Year's Eve. From five-thirty in the afternoon until four in the morning, I consumed the following:

-One snifter of Old Pogue Bourbon
-Caesar salad
-Half a bottle of red wine
-22-oz. bone-in ribeye steak, cooked medium rare
-Mashed potatoes
-Homemade peach ice cream
-Three large bourbons and coke
-Rock Hill Farms small batch bourbon on the rocks
-Shot of Cabo Wabo anejo tequila
-More bourbon and coke

After all of that adult refreshment, the only thing that would save my life was a LaBamba burrito. Labamba's is always a popular place on the weekends, so you can imagine the crowd on New Year's Eve. I didn't think much about the two people who walked into the restaurant ahead of my friend Alisha and me; until they started some shit with some people waiting to order.

These two clean-cut youngish guys were standing with an older man who looked like Edgar Winter. One of the young guys was pointing, because that's what people occasionally do when they talk. Sadly, this was a foreign concept to the drunk douche in front of us.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU POINTING AT, MOTHERFUCKER?" this wannabe asshole, sporting a punk rockish twist on the My Name is Earl haircut, screamed.

Mistake. Old man Winter went NUTS.


This loud witless banter went on for a while. My favorite part was when one of the preppie guys said to the denim-jacket-wearing troll who wanted to fight, "Hey, believe me, you don't want this. I'm trying to be a mediator here." I think the old man had killed before, and this kid, probably his nephew, didn't want to witness the slaughter of two drunks at a LaBamba's on the first early morning of 2007.

I think the punk-ass fucks saw the craziness in the old man's eyes, because they totally backed down. "Hey, we're just here for burritos, dude."

The entire time, while customers were screaming obscenities and threatening one another, the LaBamba staff acted like nothing was happening. These are a group of efficient, non-English speaking burrito makin' motherfuckers. The LaBamba's in Louisville is open for 11am till 5am, and I'm pretty sure it's one shift; the openers are the closers.

Well, we placed our orders and everything was going well until I heard "YOU'D BETTER GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! GET THE FUCK OUT!!!"

Those guys had managed, on their way out the door, burritos in hand, to piss off an entirely different group of people. It was a New Year's miracle! A guy wearing a Skyline Chili uniform chased them out into the parking lot. They ran away like drunken Frenchmen.

Next year I'm going someplace nice and quiet, like Times Square.


We always had drama at La Bamba. My favorite was when the non english speaking burrito makin' motherfuckers were messing with the girl friend of what was almost positively Sugh Knight. Didn't they make her kiss them before they would give her their food? What's funny is that after you called last night, I predicted you would be going to La Bambas! I'm a veritable soothsayer. Happy New Year Bro!

La Bamba...oh Toddles, you're tele-porting me to remembering the post-coital undergrad calls of rural Midwestern late-night drunken stumblings with those 2 words...


Blogger Steph said...

Christ on a Cracker! I would HATE to have used the bathroom after you expelled that load.

How's your anus by the way?
Happy New Year.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

stuff like that never happens here. i feel so left out!

Blogger Nick said...

Why would someone wear shoes that hurt their feet?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I hurt my neck again laughing at this post. Thanks, man.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

An old friend of mine had a t-shirt that said "Instant Asshole: Just add beer." It's amazing the scenes at those places-- concentrated drunk assholeness.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

where did my comment go? stupid new blogger.

hahaha- somebody got the drunk dialies! I love drunk Todd!!! (and sober Todd as well!)

Happy New Year babe!!!

Blogger Brookelina said...

Aren't you glad you left the craziness of Las Vegas for the peace and quiet of Louisville?

Blogger Melissa said...

For whatever reason, "burrito animosity" is giving me the giggles. I'm running with it.

I'm also having some serious ice cream envy. I might have even drooled a bit when I read about the homemade peach ice cream.

Blogger Kris said...

Why do I always want to call it a brandy "sifter"? Clearly I need more alcohol.

Happy 2007. Glad to see your New Year's went by without conflict . . . ;)

Blogger Sindy said...

Happy New Year... I laffed so hard I think I peed a lil. ;)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remember one night at the La Bamba's in my town, someone was flipped over the railing onto the sidewalk after a similar exchange. Lesson learned there: never put a La Bamba'a above ground level.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LaBamba is just bad news for your ass either way, man.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

See? You understand my eldest sister now! Some people just want to fight.

More importantly... how was the fuckin burrito?

Blogger Rowena said...

I didn't know they made Americans like you.

I likey.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's fucking awesome.

Blogger mist1 said...

One year, I decided to go to Times Square for NYE. I stepped in something indescribable.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

found my way via Steph's blog... came across an interesting site the other day rupissed.com - cos i'm bored shyteless i thought i'd check my blood alcohol level after everything I consumed on NYE... Would have been .185
and still managed to walk out of the pub and get chicken,chips & gravy for the trip home WAHOO!!

Blogger M said...

hahahaha, jesus someone* is on crack our your way!!

*okay, many people might be on crack out your way.

Blogger katarina said...

"efficient, non-English speaking burrito makin' motherfuckers"
Is that where you were when you drunk dialed me at 3 in the morning? ;)
I get that excitement just going to WalMart at 2 in the afternoon.

Blogger Eve said...

Are you sure they don't speak English? Maybe they are just pretending to avoid having to deal with drunk fools.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahaha... drama at La Bamba's huh? Better them than you, right?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Frenchmen don't eat burritos.

Blogger Jess Riley said...

Old Man Winter--I love it.

I also admire your New Year's food and beverage intake.

Blogger Mister Mxyzptlk said...

And the next thing they knew, someone pulled up alongside their stretch hummer is an SUV and peppered them with bullets. Sadly, shit like that happens after some of these little arguments. That was the news we woke up to in Denver the morning of 1/1.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

HA! I was at some philly cheese steak place downtown to "grease up the stomach" before drinking...and the young manager kicked a black guy out and called him the "N" word and proceded to yell all sorts of obsentities at him as he gave back the guys money rather than serve him.

The black guy's crime? The manager gave him the wrong change and he called him out on it.

The rest of the evening was much better.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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