Monday, January 15, 2007
Why I like Cumberland Brews
Cumberland Brews is a small Microbrewery and Restaurant in the Highlands neighborhood of Louisville. I watched the Seahawks-Bears game there on Sunday. They have good food and the best craft beers on earth. Every Sunday, all day, a pint of liquid heaven is only $2.75.

But I think I like Cumberland Brews more for what it's NOT.

And what isn't it, you might ask? It isn't a place where people conspire to drive me to fits of uncontrollable rage. That makes it my ale oasis in a desert of douchebags.

True, some of the clientele, it has to be said, are damn dirty hippies. The DDH love them some craft beer. But they keep to themselves, and the smell of the delicious food and hops drowns out the stench of patchouli.

Actually, there are other places like that in Louisville, locales where people of all social persuasions are brought together for a common goal; usually to eat or drink or listen to good music. But in today's society, that's a rarity. There are some places I don't think I can go anymore, at all, for fear of killing everyone in the room, grinding their bones into a fine powder, and snorting them like Scarface on a three-day coke bender.

Movies
Okay, you spoiled little fuck, I know your daddy has a TV almost as big as a theatre screen, but you aren't in the family room, so shut your diseased mouth, get off the cell phone, and quit finger-banging Mary Kate Rottencrotch during the Coming Attractions.

And if you're too stupid to follow the plot of a Hollywood movie, you are retarded and don't need to be out past sunset. "What'd he do that for?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" You have smegma for brains! Do the world a favor and sequester yourself in a room filled with shiny objects and coloring books.

Concerts
Why do people pay for a ticket to see a band and then talk to their friends the entire night? Is it because they're hipster assholes who care more about being seen than they do about music? Yes. That is the reason.

Nightclubs
Nightclubs only exist because that's where attractive young ladies go. That's the only reason any male would voluntarily subject himself to shitty music and watered down drinks. Nightclub drinks in Las Vegas were so expensive, and the music so absolutely cringe-worthy, it was like being in a strip club sans nudity.

And who needs a room full of snooty club whores? The older I get the more wholeheartedly I endorse a quality over quantity policy when it comes to members of the opposite sex.

I also don't enjoy shopping, going to work, going to the bank, or driving (unless the streets are completely empty of all other cars). I'll be busy building an underground tunnel to Cumberland Brews if anyone wants to lend a hand.



29 Comments:

Blogger Brookelina said...

You have smegma for brains!

No, I'm not insulting you. You wrote that and it's awesomeness is beyond compare.

Blogger Brookelina said...

That should be "its" - not "it's" - I hate when I do that.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

I will have to give CB a try when I come to town. We have had a place or fifty like that here in Seattle but they are always soon discovered by the yuppies and become nothing more than a place to be seen, be loud, and be bored out of your mind.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cheers, baby!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That'll be a good destination for your new monorail, when you're congressman finally wises up.

$2.75 a drink? I'm moving to Louisville! It's minimum five bucks a pop here. And wine, which is what I usually drink, is 7 and up.

You need to get the management of Cumberland Brews to raise the price of the pints to exclude the DDH from frequenting that joint. I can't stand the DDH.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Talking at movies and concerts ... grounds for vigilanteism.

Blogger Nick said...

leaving one's home is for losers.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought that you were a DJ on the weekends.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think prescription Zoloft can help. Ask your doctor or pharmacist is Zoloft is right for you.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i need a tunnel to knitting and to dance class.

my life would be so much better that way.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've almost had to swear off concerts with all of the jackfucks there. Everytime I'm at a Dave Matthews show, it turns into little, rich, drunk high school fucks who spend the night walking around and in between everyone or on their fucking cell phone. I've taken on a new rule at concerts: no one walks in front of me when I have lawn seats and I will yell like an idiot everytime a Paris Hilton clone gets on her pink Razor phone.

Blogger April said...

oh...an underground tunnel??

can i join ya down there?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Strip club sans nudity... you weren't going to the clubs Brittney and gang hang - sans panties.

Brooke, you're so lucky you caught yourself on that grammar faux-pas.

Blogger Rachel said...

Come by and I'll take you to the Brewhouse.

;)

Blogger Blonde said...

Mary Kate Rottencrotch...you are a genius!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chicago has Lincoln Avenue as it's meeting place for "smegma for brains"

If you want a Lincoln Park Trixie or Trixie Male to piss you off to the point of apoplectic rage, just stand on Lincoln, by John BarleyCorn. Someone will do something to make normal folk murderous. It surely will involve a cellphone,a jetta, and copious amount of jackassery.

Finger-banging and hipster hate...I knew there was a reason I love you.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you're ever in Cheeseville, we'll hit up Safe House. It has veritable brew orgy for your drinking pleasure and a secret room to confuse the drunkards. :)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a snooty club whore and I like it.

Blogger Jess Riley said...

This is exactly why people try to "live off the land." They're tired of dealing with assholes in regular civilazation. Unfortunately, the process of avoiding television and making one's own yogurt sometimes has the ultimate effect of turning one into an asshole, too. It also can make you use the word "one" too much, even if you just surf blogs and don't live off the land.

The Safe House is awesome! I was there in 96' on a frat convention. You have to say a password to get in the door, but the beer is fantastic!

Blogger Nick said...

I'm a snooty club whore repellant.

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
of course you wouldn't insult me. Not you.

stormin,
you'll like this place.

tits,
bottom's up, toots.

johnny yen,
Happy Hour at Cumberland is 4-7 Monday-Friday and all day Sunday. Normally, beers are $4.25, which is still a fair price for handcrafted brew.

vast,
the DDH LOVE good beer. I'll give them credit for that. They'll buy it anyway if it costs more.

spinning girl,
we should hang out together.

nick,
especially when it's cold out.

flounder,
I only DJ at unpopular places.

ubie,
"side effects may include instant death."

kendra,
I'd like to be at your dance class, purely in a supervisory capacity.

cincy,
your problem is you're at a Dave Matthews concert.

Blogger yournamehere said...

april,
please join me in the underground tunnel!

real me,
I can't get into the clubs those dirty whores frequent.

rachel,
is that a euphemism for dirty sex?

blonde,
we geniuses are never appreciated in our time.

tracy,
I'm willing to forgive a LOT for a good beer.

monkey,
I only hate certain hipsters. But I'll say "finger-banging" again.

melissa,
I like it when you say "brew" and "orgy" in the same sentence.

liv,
I didn't think you were snooty.

jess,
my yogurt NEVER turns out right.

vast,
is the password "Liver failure"?

nick,
so am I. I'm not really sick of them. I'm sick of them being sick of me.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whenever I start feeling really hateful and just a pinch away from dousing people in gasoline and throwing lit matches, I visit here. I was just talking shit about some retarded kid on my blog, feeling like I may have been a little harsh with the kid. Now I feel like I should have given him an extra jab to the ribs before wishing a horrible death on his mother.

Thanks!

Blogger Nick said...

Is this guy above me trying to steal my schtick, or what?

Listen, jerkhole, I leave extremely inflammatory comments around here. Not you!

Maybe if you took the dick out of your mouth and told Johnny The Mark to come back in half an hour you'd know that.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nick, Madmeer is a woman.

Perhaps your soulmate.

Blogger Nick said...

I have no way to recover from that.

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