Friday, January 12, 2007
My own Congressman?
I was telling a friend that if I gained any more weight I would require my own Congressman. But as I thought about it, it occurred to me that having my own Congressman would be quite advantageous. Imagine, a politician whose political future depended solely on MY vote:

"Hey, Congressman; I need a private monorail from my house to my favorite bar. You don't want your only constituent in prison on DUI, do you?"

"Hey, Congressman; I need a really friendly 'date' for Valentine's Day. You're a politician, so I know you got the hook up."

A few more pounds, and I could be the most powerful private citizen in America. Pass the deep dish pizza, motherfucker!


21 Comments:

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

That is beautiful.

Kinda the Homer Simpson "gain weight to go on disability and work from home," but WAY BETTER!

Blogger April said...

Deep dish pizza?

oh, hell...now I'm drooling!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I be your Congresswoman?

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I kinda wish I had my own weather system ... and satellites ...

pass the pie.

Blogger Nick said...

I'm way fatter than you.

Blogger Steph said...

What about a congressLADY. Is that the right terminology? She could be hot and dedicate herself to your every whim.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Monorail to your favourite bar? Were we separated at birth?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Tom Delay has some free time these days. Move to TX.

Blogger Rachel said...

You could have him propose legislation making Tuesdays Topless Day.

Just a thought.

Blogger M said...

I recommend Krisy Kreme for your anti-dieting needs.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Motherfucker is the greatest word ever.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you want that congressman alive or dead?

Blogger Brookelina said...

I hear Mark Foley is looking for work.

Blogger Nick said...

Nah, he got a job as an orphanage administrator.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just promise on another blog to hire a personal trainer and jump on the fitness train, but now that I've read your convincing argument, let's go get some more pizza and beer!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just promise on another blog to hire a personal trainer and jump on the fitness train, but now that I've read your convincing argument, let's go get some more pizza and beer!

Blogger yournamehere said...

stormin,
maybe once I've achieved my evil goals, Mr. Burns will pay for my liposuction.

april,
we should drool near or on each other sometime.

ubie,
you may be too ethical to be my congresswoman. I will make sure you and your family benefit from my good fortune, though.

spinning girl,
when you eat pie is it as sexy as when you eat sushi?

nick,
hey, don't try to steal my congressman.

steph,
my Congressperson (either gender) will set me up with the hot ladies. You shouldn't shit where you eat, so no banging my Representative.

beckie,
it could be. Do you like bourbon?

john,
I want a guy who gets away with massive wrongdoing.

rachel,
so, what are you doing Tuesday, baby?

m,
ummmmmmm, doughnuts.

liv,
I can't argue with you on that one.

finn,
alive until I get what I want.

brooke,
even I wouldn't stoop that low.

nick,
I wouldn't doubt it.

andi,
lets! How many beers until you find me attractive?

Blogger Nick said...

April has a tramp stamp.

Blogger Rachel said...

Went topless!

Blogger Markbnj said...

Death:: Oooh-ahhh... Can I share your congress PERSON?
Uber.... I;d love for you to be MY congressional liason, if not congressPERSON....

Oh, and death? I think a mini-van, with a personal driver would be a lot more efficient, and appropriate for the congressional budget.
Not as neat, and high tech, but much more efficient.

btw: APRIL:

My best (two) investments:
1) a Deep Dish Pizza maker.
2) A bread machine:


I set the bread machine to make the dough to be finished (not cooked!) at 8am.
I then take the dough, throw it into the deep dish pizza maker, (with cover open) and let the puppy RISE
until I get home.

Put the cover down, throw that durned sauce/cheese/veggies
I've been a veggie for 30 years now- no meat in My deepdishers)
and then let cook for 30 minutes and
WOW...
Better and cheezier then Pizzera Uno's!

Blogger Nick said...

You cook puppies? That's pretty cool.

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