Sunday, January 21, 2007
Lohan Brings the Party to Rehab
Lindsay Lohan, who recently checked into the Wonderland Rehab Center in Los Angeles' Laurel Canyon, has used some of her undeserved millions of dollars to transform the facility into an exclusive nightclub.

The club, christened Stumblecunts in honor of Lindsay's inability to stand and walk without assistance, has been described by nightlife veterans as the "newest LA hot spot."

"We decide there was more money to be had getting people drunk than trying to get them sober," former Wonderland Center Administrator turned Stumblecunts VIP Host Virginia Stenson admitted. "Lindsay Lohan and her friends, while being vapid and kinda smelly, have brought a hip crowd with them."

Stumblecunts bartender Lisa Greene, pictured here, didn't say anything to contribute to this story, but she is hot.

When asked why she spent so much money on the project, Ms. Lohan said, "Like, I'm still gonna try and not get drunk and shit. It's just that this place was all boring and stuff." The twenty-year-old actress then did a line of coke off a stranger's erect penis, coughed, and defecated in her pants.


Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

Lohan is one of my favorite easy targets for mocking...

That rehab center would ROCK!!!

Being known as a pantshitter is not good........

Blogger Nick said...

I give that bartender a tip. Hell yes, I would.

Blogger Nick said...

Go Colts.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Sometimes, when people are sick, they take antibiotics that make their colons leak? And when people cough, sometimes while on those antibiotics, they poop their pants.
I'm not sayin'. I'm just sayin'.

Go Colts.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That bartender really IS hot.

Go me.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Will you be spinning there on Thursday nights?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

With bartenders like Lisa there, I can't wait to become a successful attorney so I can develop some dependency issues (rich people aren't drunks or addicts, they have a "problem" or they have "issues) and flirt with Lisa shamelessly.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pants pooping is no joke.

Especially when your daughter begins her tale, "You know what just happened to me?"

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or if you've had a little too much to drink and someone's Collectible Plate just happens to be laying nearby.

Go Bears!

Blogger miss kendra said...

that girls boobs make me feel funny.

Blogger Brookelina said...

That bitch never invites me anywhere.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude she is hot.

yes please.

Anonymous Anonymous said...


Do you have any idea how much more creatively foul-mouthed I've become since I started reading your blog or how much I appreciate you for it? :)

Blogger Blonde said...

That bartender is smokin'! How many times has she mounted The Todd?

I am so stealing the word Stumblecunts...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm with Melissa. Since knowing you and your blog i've become so much more literate.

Pig Vulva
oh, i could recite your brilliance endlessly.

Blogger Al Sensu said...

Mullet, you are hotter than ever these last two posts. Keep it coming!

Blogger FRITZ said...

And when I said 'Go Colts', I was merely being sardonic and dry, mocking Nick's understated and somewhat intimidating demeanor.

What I MEANT to say was "Go Bears".

After all, I have a soul, and stuff.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You deserve an award, Todd.

Blogger Dawn said...

Maybe Lindsay can start a new life after rehab by becoming the decoy on that NBC Dateline show with Chris Hansen - To Catch a Predator.

For some reason when I saw the word Stumblecunts, the word Tumbleweeds came to mind. Weird crossreference. anyway...........

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

You must be an get all the good shit!

Blogger yournamehere said...

the drinks are expensive, but strong. The staff is top notch and the clientelle are beautiful.


that woman hasn't slept alone since puberty, but good luck.

yes, Go Colts, indeed.

are you defending Lindsay Lohan? Or did you shit your pants once and are trying to justify it?

if you ever run into this bartender, I want to be the meat in your friendship sandwich.

oh, definitely. Thursday is Recreational Lesbianism Night.

dude, the rehab center is gone; shut down! All you need to get in is thirty dollars and the willingness to wait in a long line.
Or, you could buy bottle service and get your own table.

it's funny when Lohan does it.

are you never going to forgive me for crapping on your "Dale Ernhardt: Rest in Peace" plate?

I hope "funny" means "like I want to make out with her."

Blogger yournamehere said...

you can be my date, but I would expect you to put out.

cold hands,
why weren't there girls like that at Club Paradise?

when we meet we can talk about just how much you appreciate me.

that girl wouldn't fuck me if her family's lives hung in the balance. She's on fire, though.

are you trying to make up for calling me a hillbilly?

okay, the toupee posts sucks, but I'll try harder next time.

why would you not have soul by pulling for the Colts? I don't get it.

your kind words are reward enough.

she would be more than a decoy, I fear.

you KNOW what good shit I want, but you're holding out on me.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

yes I'm not sure where all of the hot girls were the nights we went out. Very odd, I usually attract them.

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