Monday, January 29, 2007
Douchebag of the Year?
It's not even February yet, but we have an early candidate for Douchebag of the Year. In fact, this guy is like Secretariat; he's way out in front of the others.

I was at my bank the other day, which is located inside a Kroger Supermarket. At first glance, the kid in front of me looked like your typical suburban white gangsta wannabe. However, upon further inspection, it became quite apparent he was taking faux thuggery to overwhelming new levels of douchebaggery.

First of all, he was a squinty-eyed weaselly little fuck. I've never met a squinty-eyed weaselly little fuck who was even remotely cool. If you're a squinty-eyed weaselly little fuck and think you are an exception to this rule, you're wrong. You are merely a squinty-eyed weaselly little fuck with a bloated opinion of yourself. I suggest leaving civilization altogether in favor of a forest or prairie.

Anyway, back to the douchebag. He was wearing a black satin jacket with GOLD HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS printed on it. All over it, as in every inch of this Rosetta Stone of tacky outerwear was covered with gold hundred dollar bills.

Sadly, the worst was yet to come. Upon eyeballing the horrid jacket, I immediately lowered my head to say a silent prayer for this once-tolerable society of ours. That's when I saw something from which I may never fully recover. On the tongues of this moron's shoes, I swear to Christ, were PICTURES OF AL PACINO AS SCARFACE!!!!!

Not able to help myself, I actually growled a little. It was all I could do to not smash his face into an unrecognizable paste. It is my fervent wish that this person die the way Scarface died at the end of the film.

Oh, but I signed up for overdraft protection and got a free toaster.




33 Comments:

Blogger Tracy said...

And you didn't get his number for all the single gals you know?

Who's the douchebag, Todd. Who's the douchebag.

This guy has my vote for Douchbag of the Millenium. You see, he is most likely just one generation from the trailer park. A combination of bad genetics and poor nutrition as a youth causes the "squinty-eyed weaselly little fuck" look you refer to. God himself wishes you had smashed his face in.

Blogger Dawn said...

I'm so tired right now and in being so, your post made me laugh really hard. I can't believe some of the people you meet by being in the right place at the wrong time.

And, I wore a satin jacket back in 1978-79 when I went skating at the skating rink with my friends. Woo-hoo! There are no more skating rinks in southern Calif. But, I'm betting there are still some near where you live. lol. ;0

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

Let me tell you as an educator and resident of Chicago that I've seen everybody from kindergarteners to grad students wearing the "Scarface" t-shirts-- white, black, latino, etc. and I ask myself-- did you see the end of the movie? Is this a role model? Did you get the message of the movie?

Blogger Übermilf said...

Todd has a disproportionately large number of readers from Chicago and its suburbs.

Also, what's wrong with skating rinks? California's too cool for skating rinks, but Kentucky's not?

When people engaged in active recreational activities like skating and bowling and the like, we were a lot happier and in a lot better shape.

I like roller skating.

Blogger FRITZ said...

I think this guy sums up the issue of squinty-eyed weasely little fucks.

Thank you for this refreshing outlook on the hell that our world is becoming.

Word.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Argh! I meant this guy

I'm not so good with this html bullshit.

Blogger Tracy said...

Ubie and Johnny,
have you seen the Kiosks at the malls selling framed "art" of the Sopranos, Scarface, and Capone all sitting together like a Last supper of gangsters?

Golf Mill in Niles specifically...
sigh.

And were either of you around during the Axle Roller Rink heyday in Norridge?

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

WOW...

Gold hundred dollar bills, and shoes with pictures of Scarface on the toes...

I seriously have given up hope for the youth of this country.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

Tracy-
I've seen the big rugs by the guys with the vans at the gas stations.

I went to the Axle in Countryside (western suburbs), I think, after my family moved to the 'burbs.

Blogger miss kendra said...

vanilla ice stole a delorean and took it all the way to kentucky, 2007.

good choice, rob van winkle.

Blogger Brookelina said...

You should have beaten him to death with the toaster.

Blogger Sara said...

Oh my, how heartless and cruel are your readers? Did they not consider the reason his poor choice in attire might possibly be related to the rare squinty eyed condition he most certainly suffers from? For shame! I say kudos to him for making it to the bank by himself. Even Helen Keller had Annie.

Blogger FRITZ said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger FRITZ said...

I seriously think I caused all my blogger friends to go out back and shoot themselves. Not only am I a plague on the comment pages, but I suck, in general, at blogging.

Yes, I had to delete my last comment because it made no sense.

Word. (I'm trying to bring this phrase back into circulation, on behalf of all the Von Winkles out there).

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Mmm...toast.

Blogger Natalie said...

I work with low income 17-24 yr olds in, you guessed it, CHicago and I will agree that scarface is EVERYWHERE. I haven't seen it on shoes though. I know many people who would really be happy to get their hands on some of that. A shiny golden hundred jacket though is another story entirely.

Blogger Melissa said...

We have a lot of squinty-eyed little fucks up here, but none of them are shiny and have Scarface on their shoes.

Of course, now that I've said that, I will see many shiny and Scarface-shod squinty-eyed fucks...

Blogger Tracy said...

This is off the topic a bit, but to all my fellow Chicagoans, here's another tasteful item we have for sale.

At the OffRamp/GasStation rug seller market by California and Diversey, we used to see a money bank in the shape of a nude woman on her belly with her Ass in the air. Her crack was the money slot and they had a folded paper stuck in to demonstrate.

By the way Todd, when is your birthday?

Blogger Liv said...

Wait... you are saying thats not in style? Shit I already tore the tags off the one I bought.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Vegas in May? June? I'm pickin a date!

Congrats on the toaster!

Blogger Cold Hands said...

ha- I bet that guy gets A LOT of pussy with that jacket. Scads of pussy

Blogger Andi said...

Oh dear sweet buttery Jesus. Always with the Scarface obsession. I think it's some sort of identificaion with his "little friend."

What a douche! Everybody knows that Al Pacino belongs on your lapels, not shoe tongues.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I'm heading for the California/Diversey exit... wait, what do you mean, USED TO???

I'm always a day late and a dollar short.

Blogger M said...

So now you can bounce!

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Have I told you lately how much you turn me on?

Blogger Nick said...

I have that outfit.

Blogger Blonde said...

What was K-Fed doing in KUNTucky?!?!?!

Blogger Tracy said...

Ubie, You better believe if i see that bank again, i'm buying it and i'll raffle it!

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

What an oss-wee-pay.

I do want shoes with somebody's face on the tongue ...

Maybe Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands.

Blogger John said...

You are my new hero.

JDC

Blogger 2012天氣晴朗 said...

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer