It's not even February yet, but we have an early candidate for Douchebag of the Year. In fact, this guy is like Secretariat; he's way out in front of the others.
I was at my bank the other day, which is located inside a Kroger Supermarket. At first glance, the kid in front of me looked like your typical suburban white gangsta wannabe. However, upon further inspection, it became quite apparent he was taking faux thuggery to overwhelming new levels of douchebaggery.
First of all, he was a squinty-eyed weaselly little fuck. I've never met a squinty-eyed weaselly little fuck who was even remotely cool. If you're a squinty-eyed weaselly little fuck and think you are an exception to this rule, you're wrong. You are merely a squinty-eyed weaselly little fuck with a bloated opinion of yourself. I suggest leaving civilization altogether in favor of a forest or prairie.
Anyway, back to the douchebag. He was wearing a black satin jacket with GOLD HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS printed on it. All over it, as in every inch of this Rosetta Stone of tacky outerwear was covered with gold hundred dollar bills.
Sadly, the worst was yet to come. Upon eyeballing the horrid jacket, I immediately lowered my head to say a silent prayer for this once-tolerable society of ours. That's when I saw something from which I may never fully recover. On the tongues of this moron's shoes, I swear to Christ, were PICTURES OF AL PACINO AS SCARFACE!!!!!
Not able to help myself, I actually growled a little. It was all I could do to not smash his face into an unrecognizable paste. It is my fervent wish that this person die the way Scarface died at the end of the film.
Oh, but I signed up for overdraft protection and got a free toaster.
I was at my bank the other day, which is located inside a Kroger Supermarket. At first glance, the kid in front of me looked like your typical suburban white gangsta wannabe. However, upon further inspection, it became quite apparent he was taking faux thuggery to overwhelming new levels of douchebaggery.
First of all, he was a squinty-eyed weaselly little fuck. I've never met a squinty-eyed weaselly little fuck who was even remotely cool. If you're a squinty-eyed weaselly little fuck and think you are an exception to this rule, you're wrong. You are merely a squinty-eyed weaselly little fuck with a bloated opinion of yourself. I suggest leaving civilization altogether in favor of a forest or prairie.
Anyway, back to the douchebag. He was wearing a black satin jacket with GOLD HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS printed on it. All over it, as in every inch of this Rosetta Stone of tacky outerwear was covered with gold hundred dollar bills.
Sadly, the worst was yet to come. Upon eyeballing the horrid jacket, I immediately lowered my head to say a silent prayer for this once-tolerable society of ours. That's when I saw something from which I may never fully recover. On the tongues of this moron's shoes, I swear to Christ, were PICTURES OF AL PACINO AS SCARFACE!!!!!
Not able to help myself, I actually growled a little. It was all I could do to not smash his face into an unrecognizable paste. It is my fervent wish that this person die the way Scarface died at the end of the film.
Oh, but I signed up for overdraft protection and got a free toaster.
26 Comments:
And you didn't get his number for all the single gals you know?
Who's the douchebag, Todd. Who's the douchebag.
Let me tell you as an educator and resident of Chicago that I've seen everybody from kindergarteners to grad students wearing the "Scarface" t-shirts-- white, black, latino, etc. and I ask myself-- did you see the end of the movie? Is this a role model? Did you get the message of the movie?
Todd has a disproportionately large number of readers from Chicago and its suburbs.
Also, what's wrong with skating rinks? California's too cool for skating rinks, but Kentucky's not?
When people engaged in active recreational activities like skating and bowling and the like, we were a lot happier and in a lot better shape.
I like roller skating.
I thinkthis guy sums up the issue of squinty-eyed weasely little fucks.
Thank you for this refreshing outlook on the hell that our world is becoming.
Word.
Ubie and Johnny,
have you seen the Kiosks at the malls selling framed "art" of the Sopranos, Scarface, and Capone all sitting together like a Last supper of gangsters?
Golf Mill in Niles specifically...
sigh.
And were either of you around during the Axle Roller Rink heyday in Norridge?
WOW...
Gold hundred dollar bills, and shoes with pictures of Scarface on the toes...
I seriously have given up hope for the youth of this country.
Tracy-
I've seen the big rugs by the guys with the vans at the gas stations.
I went to the Axle in Countryside (western suburbs), I think, after my family moved to the 'burbs.
vanilla ice stole a delorean and took it all the way to kentucky, 2007.
good choice, rob van winkle.
You should have beaten him to death with the toaster.
This comment has been removed by the author.
I seriously think I caused all my blogger friends to go out back and shoot themselves. Not only am I a plague on the comment pages, but I suck, in general, at blogging.
Yes, I had to delete my last comment because it made no sense.
Word. (I'm trying to bring this phrase back into circulation, on behalf of all the Von Winkles out there).
Mmm...toast.
I work with low income 17-24 yr olds in, you guessed it, CHicago and I will agree that scarface is EVERYWHERE. I haven't seen it on shoes though. I know many people who would really be happy to get their hands on some of that. A shiny golden hundred jacket though is another story entirely.
This is off the topic a bit, but to all my fellow Chicagoans, here's another tasteful item we have for sale.
At the OffRamp/GasStation rug seller market by California and Diversey, we used to see a money bank in the shape of a nude woman on her belly with her Ass in the air. Her crack was the money slot and they had a folded paper stuck in to demonstrate.
By the way Todd, when is your birthday?
Wait... you are saying thats not in style? Shit I already tore the tags off the one I bought.
Vegas in May? June? I'm pickin a date!
Congrats on the toaster!
Oh dear sweet buttery Jesus. Always with the Scarface obsession. I think it's some sort of identificaion with his "little friend."
What a douche! Everybody knows that Al Pacino belongs on your lapels, not shoe tongues.
I'm heading for the California/Diversey exit... wait, what do you mean, USED TO???
I'm always a day late and a dollar short.
So now you can bounce!
Have I told you lately how much you turn me on?
I have that outfit.
What was K-Fed doing in KUNTucky?!?!?!
Ubie, You better believe if i see that bank again, i'm buying it and i'll raffle it!
What an oss-wee-pay.
I do want shoes with somebody's face on the tongue ...
Maybe Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands.
You are my new hero.
JDC
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