Friday, January 26, 2007
A Superficial Guide to the Democratic Presidential Nominees
It's never too early to start talking about the 2008 Presidential Election, so I'm going to review all of the Democrats who've declared their candidacy for the office of President. If you came here looking for insightful political analysis, I pity you.

Senator Joe Biden, Delaware

Legally dead since '93. Since then, his political carreer has been a series of wacky Weekend at Bernie's style hijinks.

Retired Army General Wesley Clark

I like Wes Clark, but he has a habit of telling stupid people how stupid they are, so he's unelectable.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, New York

Will the Olive Garden Nation vote for Hillary, or will she drive them into the arms of John McCain? Or worse...Jeb Bush? She drove her husband to show his junk to Paula Jones, so I'm not optimistic.

Senator Christopher Dodd, Connecticut

He looks like the guy who gets kicked out of a strip club for finger-banging the older, coked-out "dancer" who only gets day shifts.

Senator John Edwards, North Carolina

Remember 2004, and how much Edwards helped John Kerry in the South? Yeah.

Thanks for nothing, Gomer.

Former Senator Mike Gravel, Virginia

And by "former" I mean WAY FORMER. He lost his reelection bid in 1980!! Last year, he lost the Condo Council Chairman election at a retirement community in Boca Raton, Florida, so I don't think he's going to be our next President.

Congressman Dennis Kucinich, Ohio

Yes, this is the guy featured in my bad toupee post. He may be elected King of the Keebler Elves, but that's about it.

Senator Barack Obama, Illinois

As smart as Bill Clinton without the ethical baggage, he's almost too good to be true. I'm worried the Swift Boat Veterans will accuse him of war crimes.

Governor Bill Richardson, New Mexico

Hey, it's your crazy uncle, the one who let you drink Mad Dog 20/20 when you were fifteen and has a secret stash of Flemish snuff films.

Reverend Al Sharpton, New York

Is this Al Sharpton, or SNL's Tracey Morgan as Al Sharpton? Does it matter?

Former Governor Tom Vilsack

"Vilsack" sounds like a disease of the nutbag.


Blogger scott said...

Somehow I don't think those descriptions were approved by the DNC......YEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH!

Blogger Andi said...

Stunningly done, my friend. You're right on about all of them. And I totally have a crush on Barack Obama. Rawwr!

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

If Obama doesn't get the nomination I will be truly surprised.

Seeing that group of losers really made this Republican's day.


Thanks Todd!

Blogger Udi said...

LOL. Al Sharpton does look like Tracy Morgan from SNL

Blogger Nick said...

We're so fucked.

Obama will NOT get the Nom. But on the off chance he does then we might as well give the keys to the white house the Republicans now.

I'd vote for him 1,000 times if I could, but it wouldn't do any good.

Blogger Mark said...

The Dodd comment cracked me up. I'm pulling for Barack Obama. How bad ass does his name sound? Think about it. If you were about to get in a fight and the person you were fighting said, "I'm going to get Barack and he's going to kick your ass!" Wouldn't that put at least a little scare in you?

Blogger Tracy said...

i would totally do Biden.
Rawwwr indeed!!

Blogger Brookelina said...

The only thing Kucinich has a chance of being president of is the Hair Club for Men.

If we wind up with four more years of republicans in charge I'm moving to Greenland.

Blogger Memphis Steve said...

A retired general might have a shot considering all the terrorists are still shooting at us and all. But judging from all the women who seem to want to give a BJ to BO and quietly get a "weird feeling" from Hillary, I'm guessing he's going to get it.

And over on the Republican side there's .... um ... anyone? Anyone? Bueler?

Blogger miss kendra said...

vilsack is his dickensian name.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I think Kucinich is cute.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe you could get a job writing campaign propaganda!

Well done.

Blogger Shannon said...

Oh this was a top shelf DWAFM post. I'm going to reuse that Hillary assessment as my own and possibly on my blog. Brilliant.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Calm the hell down, Flounder. Which one of the winners over at your party do you think is going to get the nod? McCain? Old ass suck-up flip-flopper. Romney? Mormon. Also used to support gay rights. Guiliani? Way too liberal. Brownback? Huckabee? Please. Gingrich? Over.

I think this is your man, Flounder.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

If the Democrats can get a Catholic get elected and then champion him as their greatest success ever, surely the Republicans can get a Mormon into the office.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

Oh, and the nickname is the perversion of "Stormin Norman Schwarzkopf" and not anything to do with religion... Just to tack on a qualifier to that comment.

Hillary has the money, the connections, the hit men, and Bubba. No one else is gonna get the D nomination but her. If she has to have Obamalamadingdong whacked to get him out of the way, so be it. She ain't gonna put him on the ticket as VP, before anyone makes that brilliant suggestion. America might be ready for a chick prez, but nowhere near ready for a chick prez AND a black veep. Sad, but true.

I'll probably vote for Hillary. I think it'd be a hoot to have a chick prez. The country's fucked no matter who we vote for from either of these two parties, so why not? At least it'll be an interesting 4 years.

Blogger Blonde said...

Richardson has the worst toupee for him.

I hate Hillary. I will run to Canada to get away from that whore if she wins.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I am printing this and keeping it as a reference.

Blogger Tracy said...

All i'm saying is, i had money coming in every which way when a Clinton ran the country and i didn't even have to blow him.

Now i am one rent check away from selling ovum.

I miss the good old days.

Blogger FRITZ said...

And again, who the hell is Flounder talking to? Oh, that's right. Fucking no one. Because Flounder is a fucking douche.

Blogger Nick said...

Flounder is the man. He never called you a douche for expressing your opinions.

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