Sunday, January 28, 2007
Now, let's look at the Republican Presidential Candidates
In the spirit of "equal time", I'm now going to say horrible things about the Republicans who want to be our next President.

Michael Jesus Archangel, Michigan

No, I'm not making this up. This crazy man changed his name to Michael Jesus Archangel, and he's an announced candidate for the Republican party nomination.

Don't believe me?

Michael J.A. is quite a character. He claims Satan has tried to murder him on four separate occasions. Speaking of murder, this nutty fuck was arrested in March, 2006 for TRYING TO KILL SOMEONE. I don't look for him on any televised debates next year.

Senator Sam Brownback, Kansas

This guy is an anti-stem cell research zealot. Because obviously God wants His creations to develop Alzheimer's, remain paralyzed, and die from cancer.
You can find Sam and his trademark bag of leeches traveling across rural Kansas, handing out free bloodlettings.

Doctor Hugh Cort III, Alabama

Dr. Cort is a psychiatrist, so I guess he KNOWS he's crazy for wasting his time and money in this fashion.

John Cox, Illinois

President Cox? Next, please.

Former Governor James Gilmore III, Virginia

No one outside of Virginia knows who this putz is; his own mother moved from the state and immediately forgot about giving birth to him.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, Georgia

Finally, someone I recognize! Unfortunately, it's the personification of pure evil. I guess Newt is tired of wandering around his Georgia plantation in a judicial robe made of puppy fur, so he's probably going to run for President.

Former Mayor Rudy Giuliani, New York

In a crowded field of bad toupee wearers, Rudy brings his comb-over front and center.

Former Governor Mike Huckabee, Arkansas

So now, thanks to Bill Clinton, all former Arkansas governors think they can be president; just like Monica Lewinsky can't go ANYWHERE without some lumpy older guy thinking she's going to blow him.

Senator John McCain, Arizona

A few years ago, even many liberals had a respect for John McCain. It's kind of like having a fe
w drinks with a whore, and thinking "This whore isn't like the other whores. She's different." Then you wake up in a bathtub full of ice with one less kidney. And your wallet is missing. And you have the Clap.

Former Governor George Pataki, New York

I suppose the mouth-breathers who won't vote for Obama because of his name won't be voting for this guy, either; because hey, "Pataki" sounds a lot like "Iraqi".

Former Governor W. Mitt Romney, Massachusetts

Romney is a Mormon, but there isn't any reason to insult his religion when he goes by the name "Mitt". His brothers, W. Bearded Clam Romney and W. Nappy Dugout Romney were unavailable for comment.

Congressman Tom Tancredo, Colorado

I agree that illegal immigration can be a problem, but this guy wants to end ALL IMMIGRATION into the
United States. Hmmm....if someone had kept his ancestors out of this country, we wouldn't have to deal with his bullshit.

Former Governor Tommy Thompson, Wisconsin

I have a feeling that somewhere in the deep recesses of this man's bedroom closet, hidden away in an old wooden crate, is a blood-stained clown suit.


Blogger Lord Fondleberries said...

great post. it's time someone got the bull whip and outted these fuckers. i'm glad it was you.

i might have inserted the following:

1. brownback. think of the grade school nicknames he must have had.

2. i know mr. gilmore. he's got those girls, right?

3. i heart huckabees. that film sucked. like your candidacy. and your party. incidentally, i'm a lumpy older man, but i don't think ms. lewinski is going to blow me. at least i hope she's not going to.

4. tommy thompson. isn't he the 867-530-ny-e-ine guy? oh, that was tommy tutone. is there a difference? shitty song. shitty republicunt.

hugs and mittens,

lord f

Blogger Brookelina said...

I love the archangel's website - complete with scary music and twinkly stars. But I don't believe the devil tried to kill him - or any other republican. The devil doesn't kill his own.

Blogger Dawn said...

You need to submit both of your lists to The Onion. They would love it. :)

Where's Dan Quayle when you need him? He belongs on any list as sad as this one.

I guess "Former Presidential Candidate" looks good on a resume, even though you have zero chance of winning or even competing.

You did leave off my two favorites though, Alan Keys and Steve Forbes.

Looks like I'm in the Newt camp for 2008. Hope you don't think I'm evil too.

Blogger Tracy said...

Does anyone else see the insane look in all of their eyes?

I'd like to see Tommy Thompson and Jimmy Johnson run together. I just like the sound of it. :)

Blogger Andi said...

Inspiring post, indeed. I think Michael J.A. is Pat Moses Yahweh Robertson's cousin.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

Are you 35 yet? Because you've been spot on in your analysis of the candidates, and are clearly the only one qualified to run the country.

Blogger FRITZ said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Holy Crap, I could not laugh any more maniacally, especially at McCain's credentials.

In fact, it helped me poke at Michael, who has been overheard saying ridiculous things like, "I might almost think about voting for McCain."

Boy, you sure schooled HIM.

PS: Yes, I erased my last comment. Because I fucked it up. Don't worry about it.

Blogger Van said...

Ah good ol' Mike Huckabee. He was on This Hour Has 22 Minutes. We Canadians got him good!

Blogger Van said...

BTW your descriptions of the election candidates ROCK. Thank you!

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I heart Michael Jesus Archangel. He's just what the Republicans deserve.

VAST.... I'm right there with you. Toss up between Newt and McCain. Someones got to send Hillary back to the minor leagues!!!

Blogger miss kendra said...

i think this is the perfect time to announce the candidacy of my recently digested dinner.

it fits right in here.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

Republicans are hot- just look at me.

You know you like my republican boobs.... at least thats what you told them that one night.

Blogger Memphis Steve said...

I'm pretty sure Mr. Kansas only opposes embryonic stem cell work, which is not quite the same thing.

I'm voting for Mr. Archangel, just in case he is who he says he is. I don't want to die.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I'm voting for Lord Fondleberries.

I love his cereal.

Blogger Alex said...

Wow. I just spent a hilarious half hour on Michael Jesus Archangel's site. Holy crap. He has some fascinating ideas.

Blogger Hey Jo said...

yeah, I have to say that Tommy T. is a one of a kind... here is a clip from a local morning show with a Tommy sound bites. Not one of his finer moments. I'm still trying to figure out who/what ensuffalopoulous is....

His other great moment was after the Packers won the Super Bowl in 96 and proclaimed the Packers the greatest America's team ever. He was hooched!

Toddles, I wonder when you're just going to start sending the Daily Show your blog posts.

Blogger Blue Gal said...

lovely. noticed. blogrolled.

Blogger Nick said...

I'm not voting for any of these fuckholes.

Actually, I've not voted for Brownback a whole bunch already, so that's nothing new.

Fucking Kansas.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Brownback looks like Greg Brady all grown up....just sayin.

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