Friday, February 02, 2007
Is alcohol to blame?

The Old Louisville neighborhood can be quite beautiful. It boasts the largest concentration of Victorian architecture in the United States. Of course, like a lot of inner-city neighborhoods, Old Louisville has its problems, too.

Residents complain of vandalism, muggings, and aggressive panhandling. One of the problems, they say, is the liquor and drug stores in the area that sell small bottles of booze to drifters and homeless people.

The solution, according to an increasingly vocal segment of the Old Louisville population, is to force a wet/dry vote for the district.

For those of you from civilized areas, let me explain this wet/dry bullshit. A vast majority of the counties in Kentucky are "dry", meaning it is illegal to purchase alcohol in these festering cesspools. Louisville is in a "wet" county, THANK MERCIFUL GOD. But according to state law, which was written two hundred years ago by men who were fucking their sisters, any district in a wet county can be subjected to a wet/dry vote, at any time, whenever Aunt Hildie gets a bee in her bonnet.

Apparently, the numerous Crack houses scattered about the area have NOTHING to do with the crime and persistent begging. No, it's the Devil's Elixir, alcohol, that's the problem. Instead of demanding increased police presence on the street, this group wants to ban the sale of alcohol.

If they get the vote, and "dry" wins, the liquor stores will close, as will every single bar and restaurant in the area (Alisha, Dave, Erin...this includes the Mag Bar). What a brilliant way to improve the neighborhood, by driving businesses away! People will lose jobs and buildings will be abandoned, but the Crack will still be there. And with a fresh supply of empty buildings, the drug trade will skyrocket. Worst of all, when a Crackhead stabs you in the ribs for the three dollars and change in your wallet, you won't be able to crawl to the nearest bar and have a drink.

Question: "I live in Old Louisville. Shouldn't the residents be allowed to live in a dry neighborhood if we so desire?"

Answer: "There are numerous dry counties in Kentucky. Follow the gravel road to one of them and leave us city folk the fuck alone."

Hey, why not do away with all vice? No more bars with their evil liquor, no more restaurants with their fattening food; just plain buildings that sell ice water and quadruple-sanitized lettuce; served by women covered in clothing from head to toe, like a Pentecostal with melanoma.


24 Comments:

Are you sure it's crack? I always though meth was more the drug du monde in the M'west.

No, seriously, the one throw-away line about old-time legislators fucking their sisters...Toddles, such genius.

I used the word stumblecunt elsewhere today.

Blogger Sysm said...

Why are you being such a hater?

Crack has its own subtle varieties. It can be appreciated in much the same way that one can appreciate a fine single-malt scotch.

Where I live, anyway, we have a sign that says, "This is not a crack house. This is a crack home."

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. – C.S. Lewis

Blogger Flounder, P.E. said...

In Atlantic City, they built a tunnel from the end of the expressway to the doorstep of the Borgata so visitors wouldn't have to see the burned-out crack houses along the way.

Maybe Louisville can do something similar.

Blogger Shannon said...

It's moments like these that I realize just how different growing up in Vegas makes you from the rest of the country.

I'm usually shocked things close at all, but no alcohol? I just don't get it. And!they skipped the "Let's tax it to high heaven to discourage use" step.

I think if I moved to the midwest or south I'd spend half my time asking "Are you serious?"

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

These people aren't going to be happy until you're going to church 7 nights a week; fucking in only the missionary position for procreation only; listening to that shitty pseudo-folk-rock Christian shit; and you're groveling on the floor at a cardboard cutout of the Anti-Christ (namely W)

Blogger Übermilf said...

Why don't they just outlaw poor people? That's the real problem.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I have beer baby...and a low cut shirt on. Come on over!! It's very wet at my place...er...my county.

Blogger Cookie said...

Okay, Todd. Cross the river into Indiana. 100% wet. Drive approximately 70 miles to Bloomington. Rent an overpriced apartment blocks away from numerous bars filled with underage college girls. You can have all the easy chicks you want. There is even a La Bamba's.

Blogger April said...

But according to state law, which was written two hundred years ago by men who were fucking their sisters...

god, i think i'm in love.

no, baby. YOU are hot.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i've been to that lettuce restaurant.

i think it's on sunset.
it's very now.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Sounds like the residents of Old Louisville have taken over the title of Douchebag of the Year.

Blogger 5 Hail Marys said...

Don't you know that alcohol is the devil? Crack is overrated.

Hey bro, after reading your Presidential Candidate Blog, I went out and got a puppy dog fur judicial robe, just like Newt's!

Cookie's idea is great. You should give that one a try.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

In Chicago, neighborhoods can vote a single address "dry," which has been very effective in curbing problems in certain neighborhoods that were generally generated by sports bars. Even our mayor, who is not particularly pro-bar sees the merit of not penalizing legitimate businesses for the sins of one.

There was a place within sight of my front porch that was a 4 am biker bar that was open for something like 30 years, and caused no problems. It was bought and turned into a fake Irish bar, and instantly became a neighborhood nuisance-- when all the other bars closed at 2 am, drunken frat boys descended on the neighborhood causing commotion, vandalism, fights and litter. The alderman's home is about a block away, so he offered them a choice-- to relinquish their 4am license voluntarily (turned to a 2 am license) or lose their liquor license entirely. They made the smart choice, and the problems (and a lot of their business) disappeared.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I had a friend once who lived in an apartment in a crack house. He was an artist who welded sculptures out of found pieces of metal, and I think he thought the apartment building had "character" or something. Anyway, one night he came home to find his apartment had been broken into. When he went in, he found that nothing was missing, except for his refrigerator.

Crack is awesome.

Blogger Steph said...

You should move to Australia. We have a bar on every corner. There would be riots in the streets if the man was to close down even ONE.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Bottled water and coffee are the new booze. How about if they put up 5 Starbucks?

I think your neighbors need to rally and get actice about saving this neighborhood.

Barack Obama did it. You can, too!

The cold and hard fact is the crack houses stay because the judges and attorneys have the police departments hands tied behind their backs. So much street crime could be eliminated if the police were allowed to do their jobs effectively. Making it a dry county is the pussies way out. But we wouldnt want to violate the rights of the crack dealers by barging in their houses and arresting them AND keeping them in jail. Wonder whose fault that is.

Blogger Andi said...

I live in a dry county here in Texas, but I got around that last night. Last night was a very wet night.

Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm talkin' alcohol.

Blogger yournamehere said...

monkey mc,
I think meth is more of a rural thing. City folk like the crack.

sysm,
to my knowledge, no one has ever sucked a stranger's dick for a glass of single malt scotch.

john,
I understand wanting to live in a safe area, but closing most of the businesses isn't going to help. It will turn their neighborhood into a total slum.

flounder,
Old Louisville isn't much of a tourist trap.

shannon,
the city of Louisville is extremely bar friendly as a whole. Our 4am last call is later than the last call in Chicago, New York, and Los Angeles, for example. However, the state of Kentucky, which I despise, is very anti-alcohol. These people are using outdated state laws in their favor. For example, a neighborhood in a dry county CANNOT vote itself wet.

cincy,
so, you've been to Sumpter, South Carolina?

ubie,
if poor people were outlawed, only outlaws would be poor people.

tumbleweed,
I'd like to visit your wet county, over and over again.

cookie,
I could just as easily buy an overpriced apartment in the Highlands neighborhood here in town, right near our La Bamba.

april,
I'm plushing. Thanks.

kendra,
pretty soon Olive Garden will franchise the lettuce restaurants and they just won't be the same.

brooke,
I think this is just a vocal segment of the populace. However, once something is on a ballot, anything can happen.

5 hail,
but crack doesn't give me the false sense of self confidence that alcohol does.

vast,
did you get it at Republicans R Us? "Look for the sneering face of Dick Cheney on every package."

johnny,
we are at the mercy of our state legislature, which means we're fucked. They'll NEVER change a law to help the county that provides well over two-thirds of the state's tax revenue. Fucking morons.

tits,
to live in a crack neighborhood is to never be more than a ten dollar bill removed from a sloppy blowjob.

steph,
and yet Australia has a MUCH LOWER crime rate than the United States. How could that be???

spinning girl,
there are a few nice, non franchised coffee shops in the neighborhood. By the way, they aren't my neighbors. This really wouldn't affect me. I just don't want to see Old Louisville destroyed from within.

mike,
for a liberal, I'm very law and order. If we say we want everyone to have the opportunity to live a decent life, which is ideally a liberal philosophy, then they should feel safe walking down the street. The people who don't play by the rules are going to have to go down.

andi,
when you visit Louisville, we will not go near a dry neighborhood. You will have the wettest night of your life.
And if you want, you can have a drink, too.

Todd
I agree with you 1oo%

Blogger Kymberly said...

I live in a dry town though my house is a wet spot.

The town nextdoor has the highest violent crime rate in the country and is crawling with crack hos and Escalades.

My town boasts Pride and rainbow flags everywhere. AND it's dry.

I'm not sure if it's the mauve crusaders or the lack of alcohol that allows me to leave my doors unlocked. Why ask why?

Blogger Kymberly said...

This new Google shit sucks. My cover is blown. What is this Kymberly shit? WHERE IS MY DOG GIRL???

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