Friday, February 16, 2007
The Bad Enchilada
The other day I had a son of a bitch bad enchilada, and it really pissed me off. Nothing is more disappointing than substandard food, especially something you've been craving.

The bad enchilada provider was a Mexican restaurant next to my place of employment. The joint is called El Toro, which I believe is Spanish for "The Toro". All I know is someone misplaced the spice rack. Silly me, I like food I can taste; this was Styrofoam peanuts wrapped in a corn tortilla.

Other food related mishaps that piss me off:

Pizza you fold to eat
I once wrote that I hated New York-style pizza, but that isn't quite fair to say. I'm sure there are many outstanding pizza places in New York; in fact, I see places on the Food Network that produce crispy crusts from wood or coal burning ovens. I would love to try one of those pizzas. However, whenever someone says to me "This is great New York-style pizza" it's inevitably a greasy, flaccid, foldable piece of crap. You can only fold a shitty piece of pizza. Even if it's thin, a crisp, slightly charred crust will break unevenly if you try to fold it. Some people call any pizza that's too thick to fold a "casserole" and they think they're very clever doing so. Well, kiss my casserole-lovin' ass and eat your limp slice somewhere else. Unless you're a good looking chick; in that case have a seat. Yes, I'm shameless.

Beer-battered fish
I love beer and I love fried fish, but I hate beer-battered fish. Does that make me complex? No, just fat? Okay, thanks.

The open-faced sandwich
Nothing ruins the quiet lunch or late night snack faster than the dreaded open-faced sandwich. Just put another slice of bread on top and be done with it!

Instant mashed potatoes
I was traveling once and ate at a place that promised "Food like Grandma used to make". THEY SERVED INSTANT MASHED POTATOES! I wanted to throw my plate of grade school cafeteria-quality swill across the room and shout "Hey, everyone....The chef's grandmother was a lazy, box-opening whore. Let's form a posse and desecrate her grave."

Ketchup that isn't Heinz
Why does all ketchup except Heinz taste like shit? Why are the Heinz people the only ones who know how to turn tomatoes into an edible condiment? Hunts? Sucks. Del Monte? Sucks. Red Gold? Sucks. (Insert name of local grocery chain 'catsup')? Sucks.

I hate it when a restaurant doesn't use Heinz. I hope that four dollars a case they save is worth them being associated with bottled garbage.

"We don't serve Coke. Is Pepsi okay?"
Coca Cola, the Heinz Ketchup of soft drinks, should be served at all eating establishments. I won't entertain any debate about this. Shut up, Pepsi drinkers.

That's enough for now. What sort of food issues do you have?


Blogger Tsai said...

I wouldn't drink Pepsi if George Cloony brought it to me and then offered to bang me senseless.

ok, yeah i would. But ONLY in that instance. I love my coke and i shall accept no substitute.

Blogger Tsai said...

and what the hell is the difference between Hellmans and Miracle Whip? I hate them both so i defer to any Mayo-Gourmets out there.

Blogger Diedre said...

ice tea made from a powder

Blogger Tracy said...

NesTea from a soda fountain makes me gag.
(McD and Chipotle serve a fine Iced Tea)

Slimy Turkey Lunchmeat on a Club sandwich
(use real, sliced roast turkey!!!)

baco bits

Burritos made with Taco seasoning and what possibly is Alpo. Those restaurants deserve firebombing.

Any Asian Dish made with those teeny tiny little Shrimp that look like fish food.

Spicy Cajun Food (hello 7 on Heaven!) that serves a dish with nasty brown gravy that's supposed to pass for a roux but looks more like poo.

ok. I'm done.

Blogger rhiann carnated said...

I hate shredded lettuce especially on tacos where it's 20% taco meat and seasonings and 80% lettuce. I also hate the big huge leafs of lettuce wendy's sometimes puts on their sandwiches. If the leaf is too big it creeps me out and I pull it off immediately. If it's a small piece I can usually handle it as long as it crispy and doesn't taste like dirt.

Blogger Hulkster said...

1. When you go to a restaurant and ask what the soup of the day is and they say, "chili."

Chili is not soup. Chili is chili. It may be made with (boo!) or without (yay!) beans according to the preference of the chef. It is one of the greatest substances a human being can ingest, but chili is by god not soup.

2. When restaurants pretend that they're serving you a "salad" by plunking down a bowl of iceberg lettuce, carrot shavings and a sorry-looking cherry tomato.

3. Anytime a restaurant than can and should do better serves something that obviously came in a big box or can from Sysco.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

My top 3:

-People who ask if you want to go out for dinner, and then when you ask where, they name some fast food joint... That's not going out, that's getting something you should be taking home!

-Fake Iced Tea. This shit is a crime.

-Bad Gravy. Nothing makes my blood boil faster than some sorry ass excuse of a chef smothering what was once a delicious and edible serving of mashed potatoes with bad gravy. I've taken to ordering gravy on the side due to a recent run of bad luck.

Blogger Übermilf said...

fake cheese sauce

rock-hard fried breading

slimy pickles

potato filling in peirogies (my grandma sneered "Only RUSSIANS put potatoes in pierogies")

triple-decker club sandwiches cut into quarter wedges

baked potato chips

tomatoes with a hard, white center

soggy lettuce

soggy anything.

Blogger Tracy said...

mmm. pierogies. mushroom and sauerkraut......drooooooooooool.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, let's see ....

Tang is not real Orange Juice!!!

Velveeta is not real cheese!!!

And kind of off-topic, but, next time you are craving a slurpee, remember this: A couple of years ago I stopped at a 7-11 on the way home from picking my daughter up at school. She wanted a Slurpee. Well there were these 2 little girls (about 8-10 years old) in front of us at the Slurpee machine and didn't realize we were behind them. Anyway, both girls all of sudden, bend down and then tilt their heads up and put the slurpee machine nozzles in their mouths and drink away while dispensing the slurpee stuff. Ewwww!!! I yelled at them and they ran away.

Now when I see people getting slurpees or soft-serve yogurts from those machines, I just cringe.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

You probably know this, but El Toro is Spanish for "the bull", which somehow seems appropriate for your experience.

Believe it or not, Aldi's ketchup, a buck a bottle, is pretty damned close. I'm pretty picky about my ketchup.

And you made my week for referring to a type of pizza as "flaccid"...

Blogger Emery said...

I used to get excited to see lemonade on a menu. What a delight. How refreshing. Lemonade. Then I'd find out it was that Minute Maid, mass produced, powder tasting grossness.

And when the menu says there's avocado on the sandwich or in the enchilada, they should not bring you something with guacamole in it. It's just not right. If they meant guacamole, they should have said guacamole.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I have PMS and can't stop eating cocktail olives.

Please send help.

Blogger Anthony said...

I'm concerned about the eating habits of this blog's readers (and writer).

To quote Sarah Silverman, "We're all gonna die, but not as soon as you guys."

I was as devastated as the orange crops by the frigid weather in California. I love oranges, and now all I can get are soft, nasty looking Spanish travesties of citrus.

The greatest thing I have ever witnessed was back in the day when Pepsi was going around doing head to head taste tests with Coke called the "Pepsi Challenge."

What they didn't know when you volunteered to take the taste test that day at KY Kingdom, was that you can quickly and easily tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke.

I remember you tasted the Coke first. You took a sip, swished it around for a second or two, smiled and said "This is delicious!"

You then took a sip of the Pepsi and PROMPTLY SPIT IT ONTO THE GROUND IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AS IF YOU HAD JUST DRANK HOBO PISS, and said, "Oh my God, this is SWILL!" The reaction from the Pepsi people was simply something that you cannot put a price on. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen!

They quietly revealed your choice and made sure to mention that 2 out of 3 testers chose Pepsi, as you stumbled away as if you were dying from drinking the Pepsi. It was AWESOME!

I have two words for you, Todd: Godfather's Pizza. I still wear a black armband to mourn its passing.

People who think Pepsi is better than Coke need to be sterilized so they are unable to pass on their defective genes. The future of the species is at stake.

The only good Mexican food is that which has been altered by good ol' American ingenuity. In other words, Tex-Mex. "Authentic" Mexican food tastes like plain rice cakes... only not as crunchy and with less flavor.

The inventor of instant mashed potatoes dethroned Satan and is the new head honcho down there.

I'm a Libertarian and I damn near voted for John Kerry for no other reason than he was smart enough to marry the woman once smart enough (or whorish enough) to win the love of the man responsible for Heinz Ketchup. Nuff said.

Blogger Joe Fresser said...

As a born-and-bred New Yorker who has traveled the country, I can tell you to be 100% sceptical of anything that profesees to be New York style. New York pizza is fabulous and I have found some examples that come close, but the more they say "New York" the less like New York they are. The only places where you can count on getting the same style pizza are New Haven and Boston. By the time you get to Maine it's all over.

Now to my beef with Coke: It is totally inconsistent. Tastes very different in a can than a bottle, and there is no consistency to how it tastes from the fountain. I think as to the first that it reacts to the metal in a way that other sodas don't, and to the second they don't have good controls over their fountain customers. Pepsi tastes the same all the time. Coke at its best is the best, but I'll usually go for Pepsi given a choice. I HATE Coke in cans!!!!!

Blogger miss kendra said...

anything powdered is not a juice.

pepsi is crap.

most vegan substitutes are crap.


Blogger Übermilf said...

Anthony has a lot of damn nerve complaining about eating habits when he wanted to start a mobile fast food venture called "Nacho Van."

Blogger Tracy said...

Any food that is sold from a "roach-coach" should be viewed very suspiciously.

and only the city of CHICAGO should sell Chicago Style anything or Maxwell Street Dogs/Polish.

I once ate Chicago Style Pizza in London, England.

I can only blame myself for that stupidity.

Blogger Brookelina said...

When I saw the title of this post, I thought the subject was going to go in a completely different direction. I'm grateful it didn't.

Pepsi is crap. So is Miracle Whip. I happen to like beer battered anything - and may I say that I am shocked that you don't - and open-faced sandwiches. I do not like charred pizza. If I wanted it charred, I'd put it on a grill.

I'll think of more later.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I would drink Pepsi off of Eva Mendes' rack, but that's about it. Amen.

instant ice tea tastes awful.

I hate the little shrimp that look like sea monkeys.

stale tasting lettuce ruins the entire meal.

is white chili really chili, or just soup that's called chili?

what about instant mashed potatoes with bad gravy? Yuck.

I agree with your list with one exception: an authentic Philly Cheesesteak has Cheez whiz on it.

wipe off that drool before you leave the house.

velveeta has its place. Super Bowl chili-cheese dip, for example.

johnny yen,
I was always afraid of Aldi's. Is that a dented can store?

good call. I like guac with chips, but sometimes plain avacado is better with a sandwich.

Blogger yournamehere said...

would staring lustily at your cleavage help? Because that's about all I'm good for.

you should be concerned about my eating habits, as they are for shit.

the funny thing was, I was an employee of the park and was wearing my uniform at the time.

the Godfather's brand still exists, but as a bastardized version, most of them at gas stations. What a sad state of affairs.

I had a lousy slice of pizza in New York, but that was because I just ate a slice at the first place I saw unstead of doing a little research. I regret that error.

I would rather just eat fresh vegetables than some sort of tofurkey crap.

anthony can complain about our eating habits while at the same time exploiting us financially.

In Las Vegas and Louisville I've had good Chicago hot dogs from Chicago natives who've opened places in their new city.

no, I like my food fried in a flour mix or cornmeal. Beer battering is gross.

Blogger Steph said...

I've never had an American pizza but the ones I've seen on TV are all massive, look like they just have tomato paste on them, and are ALL limp and nasty looking.

Our pizza's down here are thick, have heaps of toppings, and aren't greasy at all.

Woodfire is definately the way to go. The taste is totally different.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

God bless you sir ... I too feel Coke is the only beverage that should be served in public. Pepsi is to the beverage industry what American Idol is to quality music.

Blogger Nick said...

Open faced sandwiches are easily the best non-sub sandwich, you fucking communist.

Blogger afromabq said...

new mexico is the only place you get REAL enchiladas (unless you buy red chili from here and make them yourself). if you ever come this way, i'll make some for you personally and i swear, you'll never go back to anything but the REAL thing.

Blogger "said" Woman said...

My major food issues are chinese food and yams. The smell of either makes me dry heave, and it has nothing to do with my fear of people from China or Yam...I swear.

Blogger Nicole said...

F-you! I love Pepsi, and I love this blog even if you're a Coke head.

Blogger jwilson07 said...

I would suggest, as others mentioned, not eating ethnic foods out of the proper area. Come to california for decent mexican food. AVOID ANYTHING THAT SAYS "california cuisine" as this means A) foliage all over your plate. B)utterly unidentifiable sauces. and C) servings a goldfish would starve on if served.

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