Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Reasons I'm Not Optimistic
Yeah, my optimism, like the residue of cocaine at the bottom of Lindsay Lohan's purse, is in short supply. Why, you ask? Well let me tell you.

-I look like hell. I need a haircut, I didn't shave this morning, and I've been gaining weight like John Goodman vacationing in a beachside bungalow made of cheese. I'm starting to look like a taller version of the fat guy on Lost.

-My car is older than the last twenty girls R. Kelly fucked.

-I go out in public way too much for someone who hates people.

-My "new" responsibilities at work are starting to piss me off. You never realize how much shit is purchased by a retail establishment until you have to scan it all in.

-Do you know the anal retentive yet dim-witted shift leader at your neighborhood Taco Bell? He is my financial superior.

-Whenever I hear the song Fergalicious it serves as a tone-deaf reminder that pop culture left me in the dust over a decade ago. It also makes blood shoot out of my ass.

-I had a recent romantic disappointment, and it's become such a common occurrence it didn't even phase me.

-As you read this, millions of people are waiting for a table at Olive Garden.

-The last time I voluntarily exercised was when I ran to the post office to fetch my grandfather one of those new Susan B. Anthony dollars.


32 Comments:

Blogger miss kendra said...

the olive garden thing might be the worst one.

Blogger Tracy said...

Romantic Disappointments suck.
I feel your pain brother.

Perhaps we can form a posse to go kick Fergie Fergatrocious till SHE bleeds from HER ass.

Move back to Vegas. It will make everything better. You can come to work for my company.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Could be worse. Could be raining.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I think history has proved that Vegas does NOT make everything better.

However, moving to Chicago ...

You can live in Sysm's basement.

Blogger Dr. Chingasa said...

And that's why you need to go see the Derby City Roller Girls this Thursday. Hot chicks in shorts skirts will make you feel better.

Blogger Tracy said...

Could be worse,
you could be this guy.

http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o309/trascud/kickednutsarehappynuts.jpg

Blogger Tracy said...

oops. i meant this.
http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o309/trascud/Footballs.jpg

Blogger Tracy said...

Aw fuckit. i'm going to bed.

Blogger Phain said...

are we supposed to believe you actually "ran" to the post office? ;)

(i'll kick fergies ass for you, how's that?)

Blogger Gwen said...

Sorry you're sad, happy you're funny.

Blogger Flounder 2k7 said...

I know that you are lying about running to the post office because they usually only exchange currency at a bank.

Maybe if you had said you were getting gramma those new Elvis stamps it would have worked.

Blogger Kate said...

lmfao. i think i now have a serious crush on you.

Blogger MLE said...

I saw a commercial for an exciting new innovation in adult diapers when I was hamstering on the elliptical yesterday. You might take advantage of such innovation before going out in public where "Fergalicious" might play, and that way you wouldn't keep ruining the seat of all your pants.

Agreed with Miss Kendra that the Olive Garden thing is the worst.

Blogger katarina said...

Mmmmm, what's wrong with the Olive Garden? Now I'm hungry for eggplant parm.
Dammit.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

"Whenever I hear the song Fergalicious it serves as a tone-deaf reminder that pop culture left me in the dust over a decade ago. It also makes blood shoot out of my ass."

Sorry about that ass issue there babe.... I would pay good money to see Fergie have some sort of industrial accident... good money indeed.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I am a little bit in love with you now.

Blogger Dawn said...

Put on your Nike's & "Just Do It!"

Get out there and run back and forth to the post office a few days a weeks. It's a start. And the bonus of that is that Maybe you can update all of us about the new stamps coming out. I would totally appreciate that.

Another anti-fergalicious here also.

Blogger Rachel said...

Reasons I'm not optimistic:


Todd never stops by to say hi anymore.



Bastid!

;)

(just kidding, you know I love you more than my luggage)

Blogger Sara said...

sorry about the romantic disappointment. I hear they're selling viagra over the counter now.

Blogger wmy said...

I BELIEVE YOU when you say you ran to the post office...fuck those non-believers...k?!?

Todd runs like he just stole a watermelon.... which he did once. He thinks I should just get over it, but to that I say, you will rue the day. Oh yes, you will.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

Just remember, it could only be worse in Louiseville-- oh, wait...

Blogger Nick said...

St. Louis is nice.

Blogger April said...

romantic disappointment? who could turn down your wit & charm??

and, seriously, who the HELL eats at olive garden?

i mean, come on, i'd rather drink pepsi and eat some flaccid pizza.

wellll...not really.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

the olive garden comment made me laugh!! oh mr. Todd don't be too hard on yourself!!! AND don't you remember you and i are supposed to get married!!! see it's not that bad :-)

Blogger Nick said...

Has anyone ever really questioned your lack of optimism? You take angst to a whole new level.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Yeah, you're getting married in my back yard, remember?

Blogger MadMeer said...

I have no idea how the song "Fergalicious" goes, and I feel so lucky about that right now.

...and forever.

Blogger Joe Fresser said...

The Olive Garden thing doesn't bother me per se. If I'm in Springfield, Illinois or Bozeman, Montana I'll eat at Olive Garden or Johnny Carrino's. What's scary is people in New York City, with everything there from Babbo to Katz's Deli, going to Olive Garden, Red Lobster or Tony Roma's in Times Square. Just fucking stay home in Omaha if that's where you want to eat.

Blogger DogGirl said...

Fergalicious? I loathe this whole -licious appendage on words.

Blogger Turnbaby said...

I agree with kendra--what does it say about you when you are waiting in line at the Olive Garden?

That the wait was too long at Red Lobster

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