Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Conflict Resolution 101

This past Sunday, in the parking lot of the Stonybrook Kroger Shopping Center, just a mile or so away from where I'm writing this, two vehicles arrived at a 4-way stop at approximately the same time. Hey, it happens every day. Sometimes, as was the case in this instance, both cars will attempt to go at the same time. Usually one or both will stop, and depending on the disposition of the drivers, either apologetic waves or obscene gestures will be exchanged. In the end, however, both will continue on to their scheduled destination.

But no, not this time. This was when the irresistible force of assosity met the immovable object of douchebaggery. Apparently words and threats were exchanged and one of the drivers, a retired police officer, fired seven shots at his antagonist. The victim is in critical condition at a local hospital.

That's right. A guy was shot over WHO GOES FIRST AT A 4-WAY STOP! Both parties had semi-automatic pistols; the debate is whether the human target pointed or waved his gun at the ex-cop. If he did, well....bad idea. One source, however, says the gun was still in its holster.

Either way, I'm of the opinion that firing seven shots in a CROWDED parking lot shows a lack of sound judgment from someone who should know better. Two of the bullets struck a nearby bank. No one was hit, but that's nothing more than dumb luck. I don't know police protocol in this case, but isn't the safety of bystanders taken into account?

But my main concern is how such a mundane occurrence escalates so quickly into extreme violence. A "You go ahead," even a fucking begrudging "You go ahead," would have prevented a damn shootout, but these guys weren't going to back down. They also found it necessary to be heavily armed while shopping for groceries in the suburbs during the light of day. Why? "'Cause it's my right as an Amurikan." Increasingly, this is how we handle minor disputes in our crumbling society. Honestly, I think our civilization is near the end. We're five years away from Roman-style troughs in Las Vegas buffets, so we can keep coming back for more.

Don't believe me? Want more proof? In Miami, a Wendy's manager was shot several times in the arm for some extra packets of chili sauce. Apparently, it's company policy to limit each customer to three chili sauces. Fuck that noise. "Take all the chili sauce you want, gun-waving lunatic."

The Wendy's manager was quoted as saying, "I got shot over chili sauce. I was trying to figure while in the hospital why someone would shoot me over some chili sauce."

I can answer that: Because you live at the endtime, sir. Society is in its bloated, white jumpsuit-wearing Elvis stage, and it won't be long before one of its man-servants finds it dead on the toilet.


Blogger miss kendra said...

what about the dunkin donuts employee who got hit with the REFRIDGERATOR DOOR over whipped cream?

oh todd. this hurts me.

Blogger Flounder said...

There is much truth to what you say Grasshopper.

Repent! The end is near.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

This is why I fight the urge to hide under my bed all day, every day.

Blogger Shannon said...

::Just hanging head::

Blogger Cold Hands said...

Sometimes you just need some extra chili sauce...

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

If that guy's life has gotten to the point that getting to go first at a four-way stop was that important to him, he should turn the gun on himself.

What a dumbfuck, all around. Ex-cops do not have it nice in prison.

Blogger Udi said...

I am moving to France. I need people who believe in romance and not AK-47's

Blogger "said" Woman said...

Yeah, but you have you had the chili sauce at Wendy's?

Blogger Jen said...

"Society is in its bloated, white jumpsuit-wearing Elvis stage, and it won't be long before one of its man-servants finds it dead on the toilet."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Well, this certainly cheered me up.

Blogger tfg said...

I used to shop at that Kroger every week when I lived in there. Fucking J'town cops haven't changed one bit.

Blogger Tracy said...

Hey Johnny, should we mention Chicagos Finest Officer Abbate, the guy the size of Todd who beat the living hell out of a petite female bartender because she wouldn't give his drunk ass one more drink? Some people just don't like the word "no"

Blogger MsAPhillips said...

We are
all the
bloated Elvis,
that's why.

wow! I feel so clear on it all now.

Blogger brookelina said...

I'm having my handbasket insulated as we speak.

Blogger Crackah Nonsense said...

It gets worse... They let Paris Hilton out of jail after just 3 days. She's "sick." But she will be grounded inside her posh mansion, so there's that. Which would you choose: a 96-foot cell or a 4,000 square foot home? All you need is a few billions from the old man and you can do anything. GOD I LOVE AMERICA!!!

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

Tracy, as someone who's worked in the service business for nearly 3 decades, I've seen many examples of people of all stripes, who when you refuse to serve them because they're drunk and belligerant, proceed to prove you right.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

AMEN, Todd!

I get tired of justifying my stance that people shouldn't feel the need to pack heat in everyday suburban life, and those that do are often itching to use it.

Glad someone else gets it.

Blogger katrocket said...

That's sheer insanity, but I like the way you tell it.

Blogger Tracy said...

Belligerent drunkards are not to be trifled with. Too true, Johnny. Too true.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I don't mean to hurt you. I'd rather just see you with a bra made of turkey bacon.

Yay! We agree on something: that we're all fucked.

you have children who depend on you. I have NO REASON not to hide under my bed.

you are one of the good guys. No reason to hide your head.

cold hands,
damn right. Meddlin' manager had it comin'.

his ex coworkers are investigating. I doubt he'll go to prison.

France? Really? The Italians also believe in love, and they bathe more frequently.

it's good on a Frosty.

but in all fairness you're probably much more attractive than I am.

I'm sorry. You and your boobs always bring me great joy.

this guy has a documented record of being a douchebag.

please say he went to prison; the piece of shit.

I'm bloated, but without the sideburns or jumpsuits.

go ahead and use asbestos. It won't matter when you're dead.

I'm sure anyone else would have received the same treatment. Poor people get out of jail early all the time (when another inmate kills them, for instance).

I've never argued with someone who wouldn't serve me. Well, it's only happened once, but they were absolutely right.

a subdivision called Stonybrook doesn't exactly scream "high risk area" does it?

thank you.

I was drunk, but not belligerent.

Blogger Ms Smack said...

WOW, i'm so glad I live in Australia.

We just wave people thru, with a 'thanks mate' lift of the finger from the steering wheel, or a thumbs up.

Sometimes, we'll do it several times in a row, or even in 3-4 lanes of traffic.

I guess thats why so many Americans are coming to live here eh?

If I email you my address, perhaps you'd consider sending me some chilli sauce? I may invest in a weapon if its nice enough.

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