Tuesday, August 21, 2007
I'm being mocked by the gods of Hollywood
The other night, as I settled into a comfortable chair at the local suburban multiplex, anxiously awaiting the two hour string of hilarious dick jokes better known as Superbad, I saw a preview for a movie called Good Luck Chuck, starring my least favorite comedian, Dane Cook. All right, this is bad so far, but not unexpected. Millions of teenagers are highly amused by repetition and silent-film-era emoting, so Dane Cook is going to get movie deals. It isn't any more offensive to me than the careers of Tom Cruise or Keanu Reeves.

But then, they reveal his love interest in the film: JESSICA ALBA! Say it ain't so, Jess. Say it ain't so. Good god, this is an unprecedented horror. Was there a focus group created specifically to cause me the most inner pain imaginable? Was the group's sole agenda to crush my already wounded spirit and finish the job of making me dismiss movies as a viable medium (a task started by The Phantom Menace in 1999)?

Take a look at the official web page of this film. Check out Jessica in all of her glory, standing next to the entitled smirk of Dane Cunting Cook. The look on his face makes me want to run him down with a steamroller. Letting Dane Cook star in a movie in which he gets to make out with Jessica Alba is the biggest injustice since...Sorry, I can't think of an injustice that even comes close! Tommy Lee deserves a bigger cock more than Dane Cook deserves this role.

With this movie, it is now official: The Douchebagging of America is at long last complete. Those of us who aren't total douchebags from cradle to grave have lost, and must bow in the presence of Dane Cook and his omnipresent smirk.

Or throw acid in his face. Either way.

yournamehere's lawyer adds: This post is meant as satire and in no way encourages the disfigurement of Dane Cook.

Yes, it totally does.

No it does not.


Blogger MsHellion said...

Can you get sulfuric acid on eBay? hmmmm

I thought of you the minute I saw that preview a couple of weeks ago. That God damned Dane Cook deserves shovel justice!

Blogger Nick said...

If it makes you feel any better, I don't think Jessica Alba is on his MySpace friends list... which apparently is all he really cares about.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

What if I just punch him in the neck?

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I bet he got to touch one or both of her boobs, too.

Blogger la dolce said...

God, I cannot stand him either. I was trying to decide who I hated more...Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia.

Easily Dane.

Blogger miss kendra said...

ubes, who hasn't touched her boobs?

oh, todd hasn't?

my bad.

Blogger Melissa said...

Since Tits is taking care of the throat punching, I'll make you some sympathy cupcakes.

Hell, maybe I'll punch him in the throat too once he recovers from hers.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

Oh honey that is just awful.

I know how much your no-so-secret non-existent love affair with Jessica means to you.

Yes, let Tits punch him in the neck for ya, that will help.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Better him than David Spade.

Was Patton Oswalt unavailable?

Blogger blog Portland said...

Just assume that she is equally disgusted with him as she is with herself for whoring to the likes of his pitiful fame. Honestly, what worse punishment could there be then knowing - without a doubt - that Jessica Alba thinks your a huge tool and will never, EVER, touch your dong?

Blogger PunkRockHillbilly said...

I would just like to know who in hell in charge of casting movies lately...it seems like in the last 8 years or so, the men in most movies are panty-wastes....Dane Cook firmly included.

Blogger Beth said...

I stand and applaud you. While I harbor no Alba crush, I just don't get Dane Cook.

Superbad was great, wasn't it?

Blogger Kikhwa said...

Well,lucky for you Jessica has herpes and if Dane ever bones Jessica, he'll contract it from her. Let that be your payback.

Blogger Tracy said...

Damn, is everyone in Los Angeles a herpes-laden cockholster?

note to self: avoid california.

Blogger Rachel said...

Yeah I'm betting he at least got to second...

sorry sugar.



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