Thursday, October 04, 2007
Holy Shit! I Am a Provincial Douchebag!
I was thinking the other day about places I'd like to visit if I ever get enough money to afford a vacation. I like Chicago and San Diego; I've always wanted to visit Seattle; and I have family in Las Vegas. However, as I systematically eliminated scores of locations, I realized that I am, as alluded to on this very blog a few weeks ago, a provincial douchebag. My supportive friend ScarHip said "You're just now figuring this out? Really?" Yes.

So without further adieu, here is a short list of places I will never visit and my irrational reasons why.

Boston
I like the Red Sox because they usually have the best chance of beating those fucking fuck Yankees. But Boston is responsible for Dane Cook, and I fear if I ever visited this city I'd burn down his boyhood home.

Philadelphia
It's probably wrong to judge a city of people entirely on the actions of fans of the local football team, but I don't care. Fuck the Eagles and all who cheer for them. I won't go to Philly because I don't want to be booed and pelted with garbage as I exit the plane.

Portland, Oregon
I've always thought of Portland as Seattle's dimwitted cousin.

Houston
When George Bush's approval rating dipped below twenty-five percent, the flags in Houston were dropped to half-mast.

Branson, Missouri
"My dad says it's like Vegas...if it were run by Ned Flanders." -Bart Simpson

Comedian Yakov S
mirnoff has a show in Ned Vegas. They advertise it with the line "Laugh your Yak off with Yakov." I guess if you think that's funny, this is the show for you.

For the sake of research (because I'm all about the research) I looked at a Branson promotional website. Damn near every show received a five star rating from visitors to the site. Either Branson has the most stunning collection of talent ever assembled in one place or Branson tourists are VERY easily entertained. I'll let you decide.

Phoenix
Speaking of Vegas comparisons, Phoenix has the desert climate of Sin City without any of the sin. That's like having an inflatable love partner with only one vibrating entry! Am I right, people?!? Uh...let's move on.

Atlanta
Everything you hate about the South, now with traffic jams!

All of the square states in the middle of the country that look exactly alike
You guys made me get a shitty grade on a "find the state" test in fifth grade, so fuck right off.

Countries where English is not the primary language
Hey, this one is entirely on me. I don't expect anyone to learn English just so I can specify that I don't want Tennessee whiskey in my Manhattan. But on the other hand, if I'm on vacation I don't want Tennessee whiskey in my Manhattan. So really, it's better for all involved if I just stay away.

North Dakota
Has anyone ever visited North Dakota? Has anyone ever said "Sure, Mount Rushmore is ok, I guess, but let's cross the state line into North Dakota"? Didn't think so.


Well, there are a lot more, but I've made enough enemies for now. If I've offended anyone I don't know what to say, other than "Branson awaits you."



22 Comments:

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

I live 40 miles away from Branson. It is a lot like Hot Springs, Arkansas, except instead of bathhouses you have entertainers you thought died 40 years ago. It's also surprisingly small; almost everything everyone knows about is on one stretch of highway you can traverse in 15 minutes in rush-hour traffic. Oh, lots of churches too.

Ironically, one of the best downtown stores is named Dick's 5 and 10. And yes, they have a lot of pun with their name.

Blogger Steph said...

So I guess you'll be "coming down under" soon then? *snicker*

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

It's best that you don't visit any countries where English isn't the first language. The people won't understand your provincial Southern accent anyway.

Blogger Übermilf said...

But look at it this way: Boston rid itself of Dane Cook. Perhaps they said, "Oh, sure, honey... you're good. So good you should go to... Los Angeles! Yes, yes! We'll help you pack!"

Blogger angry ballerina said...

Stay outta Boston. It's a nasty nasty town.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ian,
Branson is the Pigeon Forge of the Midwest.

steph,
if you'll meet me at the airport, I'll be there.

scarlet,
fortunately for you, the worldwide popularity of the Sopranos has made the "New Jersey gumar" accent recognizable across the globe.

ubie,
but if they had criticized him unmercifully maybe he would have gone insane and would now be tucked away in an asylum.

angry ballerina,
I'll take your word for it.

Blogger April said...

Yeah...I'd stay the hell outta Atlanta, too. But South Carolina is a nice place to visit. :)

Blogger Cold Hands said...

I see Dallas isn't on the no visit list, so get your ass down here.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you over the twanging banjos.

Blogger miss kendra said...

HAHAHA that last scarlet hip comment was good.

you guys SLAY me.

Blogger Rents said...

haha
you prick

Blogger Übermilf said...

I hate it when mommy and daddy fight.

Blogger Rach said...

I would love to travel across America, never done it, very Thelma and Louise! That's us Europeans for you, been to every foreign country around europe but not farther afield.
Good luck on planning your travels

Blogger saucygrrl said...

Boston is fine if you like a city that's not quite NY and also where everyone is required to wear khaki... Umm... they have really good seafood? Swan boats? Anyone?

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Oh, for fuck's sake. Fuck the swan boats. Boston has so much fucking cool shit to do and Fenway's just the tip of the iceburg. Your head would explode if I gave you a tour, baby.

Also, we all know Dane Cook's a douche, but if you want to burn his house down, you'll have to go to Arlington, not Boston. And, if you did burn his house down, I'll bet his neighbors would all cheer.

Is Boston nasty? If by nasty you mean that tourists get treated with contempt if they're lucky and outright hostility otherwise, then yes. It's nasty. Whenever Hubby and I drive into Massachusetts and pass by the sign saying "Bienvenue! Welcome to Massachusetts!" one of us inevitably speaks up to add the sentence that should naturally follow: "Now go fuck yourself!"

I love it so.

Blogger Tracy said...

Been to Boston, Froze my tits off.
Been to Phoenix, Sweat my ass off.

Been to countries where English is not spoken, been cursed out in French and Italian and Spanish and German.

Baby, come to Chicago. You can experience all that in one day up here + NO Dane Cook.

Blogger Scooter Deb said...

Hey, you went all Dude in the Big Lebowski with your "Fuck the Eagles" rant.

/realizes you aren't talking about THOSE Eagles

Blogger Lo said...

Boston is like NYC....except much more lame. Sorry Bostonites.

You're about North Dakota.

Seattle is awesome. Portland is actually cool too. Actually much different from Seattle.

Atlanta...ugh!

Pheonix - why do people live where it is 120 degrees? Why people?

Madison, Wi is great - Milwaukee is ok, but the rest of WI is only cool if you want to go camping or fishing or boating.

MN is f-ing cold...enough said

Northern CA is beautiful, but unfortunately attached to Southern CA.

Florida can break off and float away for all I care.

No offense Texans, but what the fuck is up with your state. Plus there are humongous bugs there. I just moved from NYC and I would rather share my home with sewer rats than a Texas cockroach.

Montana is beautiful if you are into nature and shit.

Blogger FRITZ said...

I agree with your no-hit list. Especially Atlanta--because that is exactly what it is.

I take exception with only two of your list of no-gos.

The square states and North Dakota.

So, that's really like one.

I like wheat and cattle and the pastoral views of feedlots, slaughterhouses, and my grandfather's soy farm.

Blogger tiff said...

YES to the list. A big, huge YES.

Because I've already been to Boston, and got a big ol' bump on the head for my trouble. Never again.

Blogger NotSoccer Mom said...

"You guys made me get a shitty grade on a "find the state" test in fifth grade, so fuck right off."

holy cow you are hysterical!!! this one is too true--so me, too.

Blogger Dev said...

Branson is a fun place! There are plenty of
Branson shows to choose from.

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