Friday, September 21, 2007
I'm doing my shopping online from now on

I had a day off yesterday, so I took my broke ass to the mall in search of bargains.

The older I get, the less I like to shop; but at least it was nice and air conditioned in there. Off subject, but it was ninety fucking degrees yesterday. The weather is starting to get on my nerves, so I really appreciated the climate control.

Also, I went during the day, so there weren't any teenagers there to annoy me and remind me of my advancing age. The Hot Topix was damn near deserted, and I was secure in the knowledge that every pair of tits I starred at was over eighteen.

So what went wrong? I was solicited (and not in the good way). On at least four separate occasions some vendor appeared out of nowhere and aggressively tried to sell me shit I didn't need. This is not acceptable to me! Take a look at the picture of Mall St. Matthews, located in the eastern suburbs of Louisville, KY. It's certainly not the newest, fanciest mall out there, but neither is it a god damn carnival midway. I don't want my jewelry cleaned, I don't want a public massage from a dude, I don't need a new cell phone plan, and I don't need new gutters. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! Maybe this sort of behavior passes for quaint in a Third World village, but I just wanted to walk in peace.

The only person who didn't damn near tackle me was the girl at the weight loss kiosk. She didn't have the grapes to do such a thing. Seriously, you have to be one hell of a salesman to tell a fat stranger he needs to lose weight. Or an asshole. Either way, I appreciated her discretion.

While all of this was happening I wanted to register a complaint, but I didn't know how to go about it. Was there a "mall manager" on duty, a guy with a Napoleon complex who'd pretend to listen to my concerns but would later viciously mock me while trying to look cool for a girl from Bath and Body Works?

I guess I'll email corporate.


Blogger Jeannie said...

There are always administrative offices for malls. Place your complaint with them - they have a lot of power over what vendors can and can't do. I hate being harrassed too. Barkers are one expected in a market but not a mall.

Blogger Sysm said...

I had a similar thing with asshole cell phone guys standing six feet outside of their store, blocking the path of everyone who walked by.

I actually held out an arm as if to stiff-arm one who planted themselves directly in my path.

Instead, I stopped and said, "Your store is clearly marked. You have large posters advertising your products. If I were interested in your store, or those products, I would have entered the store. You blocking my path is inconsiderate and rude. You are violating my personal space. You are making me less inclined to ever buy any products from you, your store or your company. I strongly suggest that you reconsider this practice, before someone less patient than I plow right into and over you. Good day."

In retrospect, I should have just stuck with the stiff-arm.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Next time, scream, "Ouch! He grabbed me! What are you, some sort of pervert? Get away from me... get away from me..."

Blogger miss kendra said...

i hate malls. you need to practice your psycho look. i walk around hollywood with me "bitchtastic" look on so people don't talk to me.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

So what did you get?

Hey Sysm! Did you finish it off with, "I said good day!"

Blogger Sysm said...


Blogger yournamehere said...

I may have to do that before I kill a motherfucker.

I just wave my hand dismissively and grunt at them.

I'll blow a whistle and yell "I NEED AN ADULT!"

I'd still talk to you.

ha! just like Dustin Hoffmann in "Tootsie".

"I begged you to get therapy."

Blogger Übermilf said...

Isn't your birthday coming up?

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I don't go to malls. They make me want to bite and maim.

And not in the nice way.

And Übie's totally right about your birthday. What's on your wish list this year, baby?

It's been a fucking birthday bonanza around our little corner of the blogiverse lately, hasn't it? First Nick, then Scarletina, then Übie, then Sysm, then you, then Kendra, then me...

We should have a big fucking party next year, no?

Emphasis on the "fucking."

Blogger FRITZ said...

kiosks make me feel tacky. i hate turning people away as though they are beneath me.

yet, I do it so well.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

I hate malls!!! they are full of teenagers!!!! yuck teenagers!!! loud annoying teenagers!!!

Blogger lou said...

Hey you



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