Wednesday, September 19, 2007
The douchebags are coming! The douchebags are coming!
Consider me the internet's Paul Revere, because it's my duty to warn you of the ongoing Douchebag Invasion.

They're coming to a town near you with their excessive jewelry, asinine bottle tans, porcupine coiffure, god damned tilted uncootered hats, and homounerotic pouty lips.

Just kidding...THEY'RE ALREADY THERE! The Douchebagging of America is in full effect. True, Louisville is more of a Jackass-driven town, but the Douche Army has many of its foot soldiers stationed here.

Look at that picture. If the sight of those clowns doesn't make you angry, you're either a douchebag or a girl who fucks douchebags, so please leave my site immediately. Okay, the rest of you know what must be done.

It's WAR, people. The Douchebags must be stopped. By God, if we can't reason with them to start cootering their hats and stop pursing their lips, we'll choke our rivers with their dead.

Some of you may be thinking "I don't hang out at bottle service nightclubs, so I have no stake in the War Against Douche." No stake? Have you been to the movies lately? Have you tried to follow a film's dialogue while a practitioner of Doucheitude is on his cell phone trying to locate a supplier of Al Jolson's Tan in a Can? Also, they are vaguely human, so they have to shop, eat, commute; just like decent people.

Besides, fancy clubs charge $500 and up for a bottle of Grey Goose (the douchebag elixir), so eventually daddy's money is going to run out and these scrotes are going to have to enter the work force. There are only so many club bouncer jobs out there, so some of them might end up working next to you. Oh yes, the stakes are high for all of us. What are you prepared to do?


19 Comments:

Blogger miss kendra said...

for a second there i thought those were the gotti kids, but then i realized that all douchebags look the same.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I guess when they go in for the chest waxing, they get their eyebrows done too.

Blogger Cravey said...

Um... I'm prepared to drink all the grey goose.. and NO I AM NOT A DOUCHEBAG OR A GIRL THAT FUCKS THEM! I just have a little vodka thing.

Douchebags like that do not look at women my age.. and if they do, they call me a cougar. And then I want to kill them and eat their liver.

So, apparently I'm up for the "choking the rivers with their dead" as well.
Heh.

Blogger Melissa said...

Ew.

Ewww!

And wait, is that one in the middle a guy? Why are they wearing lipstick? Women find this attractive? What the hell is going on??

Blogger Jeannie said...

Maybe you should sell T-shirts - you know with a closeup of a douchebag pout with an x thru it. I won't buy one because I won't wear T-shirts that make statements. Even if it is a worthy one.

Fuckin douchebags.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I'm joining Cravey's Cougar Army.

No one can call us that but us.

Blogger ginonymous said...

dude, is that "Icy Hot Stuntaz"? if so, i've been making fun of their rampant douchery for years over at fark.


but i'm a nerddork, so it's really in my best interest to play along.

Blogger Steph said...

Quick, you get the weapons I'll round up the posse.

Blogger Tracy said...

Hey Milf, Cravey i was recently called a cougar too. meeeeow!

One of those guys looks like he's wearing pink sorority girl lipstick.

Bad Poison/Motley Crue 80's flashback happening.....ugh

You can't choke the Ohio River with dead douches. There are huge river catfish in there, man. You know this! They'll feast on the bodies and then what'll Louisville have? That's right... bloated douchefish. What we need are a bunch of those wood chipper machines.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

GROSS!!!!!

Blogger Cold Hands said...

dude- Dallas is riddled with them, riddled I tell you. I will join your fight, and next time I see one I will knock that hat (or visor) off of his spiky little head.

Blogger Melissa said...

Those guys look girlier than I do. That's just all kinds of wrong.

Blogger Broady said...

Are these douches for real? I have to believe that at least SOME of them are being "ironic."

Also, you should check out the "Gay, or Just Jersey?" blog. Hilarious stuff about these people.

Blogger FRITZ said...

All of these douchbags fell out of a collective blackhole connected to Britney Spear's cooch. It must have been like the reverse birth of Athena...the douchbags sprung fully formed from her sloppy parts.

boo.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Utah is rampant with douchebags.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kendra,
I'm glad it's not the Gotti kids. I thought it was bad when those New York Post people were mad at me...

scar bro,
hey, it's all one low price.

cravey,
I'm afraid I have to boycott Grey Goose now, because it is the Official Beverage of Douche.

melissa,
it's the end of civilization as we know it. Enjoy!

jeannie,
I would love to make money designing t-shirts. Because working sucks.

ubie,
a friend of mine referred to a woman at a bar as a cougar and I said to him "You can't call her that. You're as old as she is."

gin,
the guy in the middle is the notorious Joey Porsche. The Hot Chicks with Douchebags guy published Joey's myspace page because it was the Rosetta Stone of Douchedom. Joey has since made his profile private. I saw it. Godawful.

steph,
will you wear something skimpy?

tracy,
I think cougars roar, not meow.

groomfishkit,
I can see the huge fish with fake tans and "crazy Gumby gold!" jewelry.

sonrisa,
my dear, you're alive!

cold hands,
have someone film you knocking a douchely tilted uncootered hat off of some fuck's melon.

melissa,
that's every kind of wrong.

broady,
I don't think these guys are aware of a thing called irony.

fritz,
Federline has something to do with it.

pants,
The manager of the Cedar City Home Depot, circa April 2006, was a huge fucking douchebag.

Blogger tiff said...

THe term "uncootered brim" might be a huge tipoff to these dudes about how much hot cougar action they'd get with this look.

Hoppin' Jeebus on a cracker, no woman wants to sleep with a man who takes more time to get ready for a date than she does (or who would make her fingernails look dirty IF she just so happened to deign to sex him up and may have scratched his back and peeled off summa dat nasty-azz spray-on homeitude.) Cuz, um...ICK.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

They are the grossest.

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