Monday, December 08, 2008
Who's ready for a really lame party?

Does this ugly Christmas sweater make you want to party? God, I hope not.

Before I officially begin my little rant, a little back story: About three years ago there was an inexplicably popular blogger who delighted scores of easily amused readers with his "Highlights of My Day" list; which was one step up from a jackboot to the nuts as far as highlights of MY day were concerned.

Well, this Blogger Who Shan't Be Named is back, this time with a website dedicated to - are you ready for this? - Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties. Yes, apparently an encroaching trend in holiday parties is for everyone to show up wearing hideous Christmas sweaters, so his website (which I refuse to link to) provides helpful hints, tells you where to buy ugly Christmas sweaters, and even has pictures from Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties across this sad sad nation.

What the unholy fuck?! Come on, America; you can do better!

I can see some dreadful office full of terminally uninteresting people just LOVING this idea. They'll rent the party room at the local Olive Garden and, while chewing on breadsticks, laugh themselves stupid at the very concept. "Oh my, look at all of the ugly sweaters. We are all so funny." They'll drink blender concoctions and discuss Are You Smarter Than a Half-Wit Idol Who Dances With the Stars?

The fact that I won't have to attend such a yuletide abomination makes me hate my shitty job just a little less. One of its few perks is that I don't have to pretend to share interests with or even like my coworkers.

"Hey Todd, how would you like to double your take home pay and never have to deal with the public?"

"Will there be an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party?"


"Fuck off."

I'll state for the record that if I'm ever invited to a god damned Ugly Christmas Sweater Party, I'll burn down the Red Lobster or TGI Friday's where it's held. And I just know for a fact that the Blogger Who Shan't Be Named will somehow make a fortune off of this. This man has his thumb on the pulse of Moron America, and they will reward him handsomely.

But please, there are better themes for holiday parties. A few years ago I attended a "Burn Your Tackiest Gift" Christmas after party. The fumes from the burning gifts made me forget how to do basic math for a few weeks, but at least it was a good time.

Here are a few other theme suggestions:

The Mistletoe Belt Buckle Party

The Spiked Eggnog and Hookers Party

The Beat Up the Racist Who Works in the Mail Room Party

The Ugly Kwanzaa Uwole Party

The Try to Get a Handjob From the Slow Girl Who Works in the Cafeteria Party

However you decide to party, Happy Holidays!


Blogger beatgrl said...

What was that you signed off with?
OMG the War on Christmas is real!

Though I hate ugly Christmas sweaters with every fiber of my being, the thought of a whole party filled with them is funny. As long as I'm very drunk with my friends, and not in the hell known as an office party. And as long as I don't have to set foot in TGI Fridays, Red Lobster or the Olive Garden (ooh...unlimited salad refills!)

Actually, typing those restaurants reminds me that I used to live in Texas, where I probably HAVE been to a party filled with the U.C.S. Or the summer equivalent, the sequined T-Shirt.

You truly are my brother from another mother, my eviler twin.

Blogger elaines630 said...

Thank you. Someone really needed to address that! I am so sick of hearing - its a ugly christmas sweater theme party! No thank you! I dont think its a funny or cool (much less original) idea!

Blogger jacksongirl said...

I'd like to cordially invite you to my Ugly Christmas Sweater party, to be held at the Red Lobster in Jackson, MS. Go ahead and bring that tacky gift, too - we can throw it on the ensuing fire.

I'm for a "White sweater with a black dickie" party, a la Cousin Eddy. That would be funny. The spiked egg nog and hookers sounds fun too.

Blogger Dale said...

It's not me is it? Cause I'd be really angry. I never know what the hell I'm up to.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Is that the guy we made run away crying like a little girl that one time? I'm gonna check.

Blogger Übermilf said...

He moved to INDIANAPOLIS??? Now he can't invite me to his parties!!

Blogger Ambitious Blonde said...

We got enough snow last night that they NAMED the goddamned beast. I just got done with Shoveling: Round One, and I'm feeling a bit surly because I think I broke my elbows in the process. May I don my jackboots, grab my shovel and administer justice to these ugly sweater parties with you?

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I blame the Bush administration.

Blogger Debra said...

dude, i'd like a party where everyone compares their yule logs. oh wait, that is a daily occurrence for many men. grins, debra

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