Does this ugly Christmas sweater make you want to party? God, I hope not.
Before I officially begin my little rant, a little back story: About three years ago there was an inexplicably popular blogger who delighted scores of easily amused readers with his "Highlights of My Day" list; which was one step up from a jackboot to the nuts as far as highlights of MY day were concerned.
Well, this Blogger Who Shan't Be Named is back, this time with a website dedicated to - are you ready for this? - Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties. Yes, apparently an encroaching trend in holiday parties is for everyone to show up wearing hideous Christmas sweaters, so his website (which I refuse to link to) provides helpful hints, tells you where to buy ugly Christmas sweaters, and even has pictures from Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties across this sad sad nation.
What the unholy fuck?! Come on, America; you can do better!
I can see some dreadful office full of terminally uninteresting people just LOVING this idea. They'll rent the party room at the local Olive Garden and, while chewing on breadsticks, laugh themselves stupid at the very concept. "Oh my, look at all of the ugly sweaters. We are all so funny." They'll drink blender concoctions and discuss Are You Smarter Than a Half-Wit Idol Who Dances With the Stars?
The fact that I won't have to attend such a yuletide abomination makes me hate my shitty job just a little less. One of its few perks is that I don't have to pretend to share interests with or even like my coworkers.
"Hey Todd, how would you like to double your take home pay and never have to deal with the public?"
"Will there be an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party?"
I'll state for the record that if I'm ever invited to a god damned Ugly Christmas Sweater Party, I'll burn down the Red Lobster or TGI Friday's where it's held. And I just know for a fact that the Blogger Who Shan't Be Named will somehow make a fortune off of this. This man has his thumb on the pulse of Moron America, and they will reward him handsomely.
But please, there are better themes for holiday parties. A few years ago I attended a "Burn Your Tackiest Gift" Christmas after party. The fumes from the burning gifts made me forget how to do basic math for a few weeks, but at least it was a good time.
Here are a few other theme suggestions:
The Mistletoe Belt Buckle Party
The Spiked Eggnog and Hookers Party
The Beat Up the Racist Who Works in the Mail Room Party
The Ugly Kwanzaa Uwole Party
The Try to Get a Handjob From the Slow Girl Who Works in the Cafeteria Party
However you decide to party, Happy Holidays!