Wednesday, August 17, 2005
The Big Sell-out, No Porn Here, and McDonald's
Yes, much to my shame, I have added a Donation button to help repair my car. It was either this or give one-dollar handjobs to strangers at the bus station; and the bus station is so far from my home I don't trust my car to get me there.

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I installed site meter last week. It's the standard version, not the deluxe edition that tells you what visitors had for breakfast like the one Brooke and Mo have. I've noticed far more traffic than comments in the last few days, and I think I know what this means: People come here looking for porn. The title of my blog simply screams porn, perhaps even gay porn. My insipid little pun has brought pervs of all sexual orientation from several countries to my blog, only to be severely disappointed to find not a spread butt-crevice but the inane ramblings of a large, white, middle-aged man. Ha! I'm glad they're disappointed. The thought of all those crestfallen expressions amuses me. I hope they all lose their hard-ons when they see my ugly template and slightly blurry profile "picture". I pray to God my insignificant ramblings render them unable to masturbate for the rest of the day. I wish it was possible to have giant hands come out of their computers and gentleman-of-leisure slap their asses out of their collective bean bag chair. And if anyone got here by googling "Dakota Fanning's underage femme schlong", shame on them. I used that phrase to make a point.

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Despite what you may see in their commercials, there's nothing hip about McDonald's. World class DJ's don't run there after a set to hang with the beautiful girls and trendy guys who've suddenly turned a place to get an egg mcmuffin into an afterhours hangout. No, you won't see the "A" list at Mickey D's. You will see a guy who doesn't bathe paying for his coffee with pennies; a woman with eight children, all of them ten months apart; more mullets than the Billy Ray Cyrus reunion tour; at least one worker you pray to god never goes near your food; and at least one assistant manager with a special paper red hat and a Napoleon complex.


19 Comments:

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Don't knock "Dakota Fanning's underage femme schlong," that's how I found your blog!

Blogger Egan said...

Nice one Melliferous. Todd, those McDonald's ads do bug me too. Especially the "I'm loving it" campaign that made McDonald's look as addictive as crack. Looks like someone is trying to change their image because their sales are slumping.

Blogger Kristine said...

Yeah I wonder if your "Dakota Fanning underage femme schlong" seekers are the same ones that are looking for "Naked 13 year old hot dog" on my site?

Blogger Crystal said...

I donated. Even though you never donated to me. I have to buy my way into Heaven somehow.

Well, that and I know what it's like to have a car that makes you cry.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

oh Todd- don't you remember my erotic moment at McDonalds? See, the cool kids DO hang out there....

Blogger Princess Steph said...

oh, and I am checking to see if I have any money to spare. How sweet is it that you are going to have females giving YOU money for once?

Blogger Belle said...

If I don't find a job soon, I'm adding a "make a donation" button to pay for my rent.

Blogger JJ said...

Yo, yo, yo, I don't know
to which Mickey's you go
but my homies and me
with our phat chicks three
be hanging out...

Oh, the hell with it. Yeah, it's the Motel 6 of food.

Blogger Heather said...

You could set up a handjob stand in front of your house. Make money and save on gas!

And what do you mean, McD's isn't cool? No, no, I don't have cheeseburger on my breath, I swear.

I got lots of traffic off of my "monkey nut virgin pussy chompers" mention over at my place. I put it here just to bring in more donations for ya.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

that's Andi for ya, always thinking.

Blogger Rachel said...

I donate tequila and lime juice mixed in festive party glasses and served with salt on the rim (but on the rim of what I'll never tell). ;)

Blogger Ruben said...

I have got to put that button on my page. Do you think anyone will donate to my cause?

Blogger Shawn said...

And now McD's is renting out DVDs! They will control the entire economy. Really, it's weird.

Blogger Brookelina said...

That's my Todd - shameless. I'm so proud.

Blogger Nick said...

You're a straight-ass whore now. Nice. I appreciate your McDonald's lovin' ass even more than ever! If you need tips, you live in the right city to find other like-minded individuals. Good luck!

Blogger Kath said...

Am trying to donate but the Paypal site is acting up. Just got off the phone with the Paypal rep...he assured me I'm good to go. Sadly, that's not the case :-(

Will try again later tonite.

Blogger Blonde said...

I have never been inside a McDonald's restaraunt in my entire 33 years on this planet. Ever. The ads do make it look like a cool place though.

It was nice chatting with you last night, baby. You and Vegas better watch out the next time I am in town ;).

Blogger Onyx said...

'I'm hatin it!' Auggghhhh!! Am I just SOOO old that I don't get these newfangled young'un ads??

(sigh)

Middle aged?? How old are you again? I thought you were in your 30s?? I thought that was 'senile senior' aged??

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