You're probably, being such a socially conscious blog reader, wondering how you can Make a Difference. Well, since I am a modern-day Johnny Appleseed of good will toward all, I have a few suggestions. I will follow my suggestions with examples of how I practice what I preach.
Volunteer
Come on, working at a life-draining job five days a week isn't enough for you. You're a go-getter. Give your precious time away for free to people who will hardly appreciate it. Every Saturday night I drive a van for a non-profit organization called Project Clubbin'. This selfless organization provides lower-income women between the ages of 21-25 with the full Vegas experience of attending several high-end nightclubs in a single evening. I am their driver/VIP host/confidante/wardrobe advisor. Yes, these women are young, hot, needy, and emotionally stunted by a lifetime of shattered hopes and broken dreams, but they deserve the right to act spoiled and vapid, if only for a night. And I deserve to look in the rearview mirror and see them drunkenly grope one another.
Donate
In our world, nothing makes a bigger difference than money. Throwing cash at a problem is always a quick and easy solution. I operate a charity, The Todd Society of Pizza and Beer Research, that desperately needs an infusion of cash to survive. How else, with the shitty job I have and all of those auto repair bills, can I continue my painstaking search across the Vegas valley for delicious pizza and beer unless you people give till it hurts? Send all of your money to FAT DRUNK, P.O. BOX 1984, HENDERSON, NV 89052.
Shop Locally
Don't spend your money at soulless, massive, impersonal chain stores. Visit the independently operated retail establishments, even if it means paying more for an inferior product. You'll be cool if you waste your money so some hipster trust fund jag-off with no business sense can buy another pair of black jeans. Also, try to buy local products. For instance, when I lived in Kentucky I never bought whiskey made by large companies like Jim Beam or Jack Daniels. I got my whiskey from Earl, who made moonshine in his basement. Yes, prolonged use of his product drove me to madness and cost me my wife, my friends, my thriving podiatry practice, and the love and respect of my parents, but ol' Earl was able to shingle his carport, so what the hell.
Help the Homeless
What can you, as a lone individual, do to help the homeless? Well, you can't do much; you can't build them a place to live or restore their lost sense of humanity, but you can help them get good and drunk. Would you want to be homeless and sober? Of course not, so give them some spare change so they can stay bagged all the god damn day. I usually just hand them pints of rot-gut, as to avoid the middle man. Give a homeless man a bottle of booze and he'll remember you until...well, until he's too drunk to remember anything. That's when he's at his happiest, and that's when you know you've done a good deed.
I hope everyone takes this to heart and tries to Make a Difference. God bless you all.
Volunteer
Come on, working at a life-draining job five days a week isn't enough for you. You're a go-getter. Give your precious time away for free to people who will hardly appreciate it. Every Saturday night I drive a van for a non-profit organization called Project Clubbin'. This selfless organization provides lower-income women between the ages of 21-25 with the full Vegas experience of attending several high-end nightclubs in a single evening. I am their driver/VIP host/confidante/wardrobe advisor. Yes, these women are young, hot, needy, and emotionally stunted by a lifetime of shattered hopes and broken dreams, but they deserve the right to act spoiled and vapid, if only for a night. And I deserve to look in the rearview mirror and see them drunkenly grope one another.
Donate
In our world, nothing makes a bigger difference than money. Throwing cash at a problem is always a quick and easy solution. I operate a charity, The Todd Society of Pizza and Beer Research, that desperately needs an infusion of cash to survive. How else, with the shitty job I have and all of those auto repair bills, can I continue my painstaking search across the Vegas valley for delicious pizza and beer unless you people give till it hurts? Send all of your money to FAT DRUNK, P.O. BOX 1984, HENDERSON, NV 89052.
Shop Locally
Don't spend your money at soulless, massive, impersonal chain stores. Visit the independently operated retail establishments, even if it means paying more for an inferior product. You'll be cool if you waste your money so some hipster trust fund jag-off with no business sense can buy another pair of black jeans. Also, try to buy local products. For instance, when I lived in Kentucky I never bought whiskey made by large companies like Jim Beam or Jack Daniels. I got my whiskey from Earl, who made moonshine in his basement. Yes, prolonged use of his product drove me to madness and cost me my wife, my friends, my thriving podiatry practice, and the love and respect of my parents, but ol' Earl was able to shingle his carport, so what the hell.
Help the Homeless
What can you, as a lone individual, do to help the homeless? Well, you can't do much; you can't build them a place to live or restore their lost sense of humanity, but you can help them get good and drunk. Would you want to be homeless and sober? Of course not, so give them some spare change so they can stay bagged all the god damn day. I usually just hand them pints of rot-gut, as to avoid the middle man. Give a homeless man a bottle of booze and he'll remember you until...well, until he's too drunk to remember anything. That's when he's at his happiest, and that's when you know you've done a good deed.
I hope everyone takes this to heart and tries to Make a Difference. God bless you all.
4 Comments:
His name was Earl.
Love the charitable work. I think we should call you Blogger Theresa with a nod to Evil Petting Zoo.
Can I send crap to that PO Box or not?
Boy, God is a hard act to follow.
Podiatry practice. Hilar.
It's a damn shame there aren't more of you around, Toddness. I know quite a few poor drunks that would love for you to drive them around so they can be vapid.
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