Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Make a Difference
You're probably, being such a socially conscious blog reader, wondering how you can Make a Difference. Well, since I am a modern-day Johnny Appleseed of good will toward all, I have a few suggestions. I will follow my suggestions with examples of how I practice what I preach.

Come on, working at a life-draining job five days a week isn't enough for you. You're a go-getter. Give your precious time away for free to people who will hardly appreciate it. Every Saturday night I drive a van for a non-profit organization called Project Clubbin'. This selfless organization provides lower-income women between the ages of 21-25 with the full Vegas experience of attending several high-end nightclubs in a single evening. I am their driver/VIP host/confidante/wardrobe advisor. Yes, these women are young, hot, needy, and emotionally stunted by a lifetime of shattered hopes and broken dreams, but they deserve the right to act spoiled and vapid, if only for a night. And I deserve to look in the rearview mirror and see them drunkenly grope one another.

In our world, nothing makes a bigger difference than money. Throwing cash at a problem is always a quick and easy solution. I operate a charity, The Todd Society of Pizza and Beer Research, that desperately needs an infusion of cash to survive. How else, with the shitty job I have and all of those auto repair bills, can I continue my painstaking search across the Vegas valley for delicious pizza and beer unless you people give till it hurts? Send all of your money to FAT DRUNK, P.O. BOX 1984, HENDERSON, NV 89052.

Shop Locally
Don't spend your money at soulless, massive, impersonal chain stores. Visit the independently operated retail establishments, even if it means paying more for an inferior product. You'll be cool if you waste your money so some hipster trust fund jag-off with no business sense can buy another pair of black jeans. Also, try to buy local products. For instance, when I lived in Kentucky I never bought whiskey made by large companies like Jim Beam or Jack Daniels. I got my whiskey from Earl, who made moonshine in his basement. Yes, prolonged use of his product drove me to madness and cost me my wife, my friends, my thriving podiatry practice, and the love and respect of my parents, but ol' Earl was able to shingle his carport, so what the hell.

Help the Homeless
What can you, as a lone individual, do to help the homeless? Well, you can't do much; you can't build them a place to live or restore their lost sense of humanity, but you can help them get good and drunk. Would you want to be homeless and sober? Of course not, so give them some spare change so they can stay bagged all the god damn day. I usually just hand them pints of rot-gut, as to avoid the middle man. Give a homeless man a bottle of booze and he'll remember you until...well, until he's too drunk to remember anything. That's when he's at his happiest, and that's when you know you've done a good deed.

I hope everyone takes this to heart and tries to Make a Difference. God bless you all.


Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

You are the blogger's Mother Theresa.

Blogger katarina said...

Oh, Todd, there's a special place in hell for you. I'll meet you there.

Blogger Nick said...

His name was Earl.

Blogger Kristine said...

So, wait, what? Why are you drunkenly groping homeless people in a carport?

Blogger Egan said...

Love the charitable work. I think we should call you Blogger Theresa with a nod to Evil Petting Zoo.

Can I send crap to that PO Box or not?

Blogger Warped Bryce said...

those silly little people bother me with their whining and drinking cheap liquor. Why can't they buck up and get some good shit, like Tanqueray?

Blogger Princess Steph said...

I pay my dues by swallowing. Does that count as a charitable contribution?

I thought it would.

(I might be feeling a little bawdy today)

Blogger God said...

Aren't you happy I let you live? Now make good use of your time on planet earth.

Blogger Kris said...

Boy, God is a hard act to follow.

Podiatry practice. Hilar.

It's a damn shame there aren't more of you around, Toddness. I know quite a few poor drunks that would love for you to drive them around so they can be vapid.

Blogger God said...

Kris, I send my love your direction. Following god should come natural to most folks. I have done a fabulous job pulling the wool over many eyes.

Blogger Ruben said...

I tried to be more socially conscious and then I got a new Visa card and all hell broke loose. Major greed went on.

Blogger Kath said...

Hey Toddster...two questions!

#1-Do you mind if I call you Toddster?

#2- Is the address legit? Ya know, in case we wanted to send a little something your way...

Blogger yournamehere said...

No, the address is NOT LEGIT. Henderson has many many fat drunks. You would just confuse the postmaster if you sent anything.

I am going to set up one of those paypal accounts or something similar because I'm a shameless whore.

Blogger Harley Quinn said...

LOL @ Ruben!!!

ynh - but are you a CHEAP whore and do you take visa/mastercard? ;)

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