Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Yesterday I asked for questions and you guys came through. Some people asked more than one question, and that's okay. A bit pushy, but okay. Here are my answers. Thanks to all who contributed and/or added names to the list of people who need to be hit in the face with a shovel.

Ruben asked...If Eminem and Pat Buchanan were both tied to a chair and you had to set one of them on fire, who would it be? I don't agree with hardly anything that comes out of Pat Buchanan's mouth, but I appreciate the fact that he isn't afraid to debate his wacky ideas with more sound-thinking folk. So, Eminem, flame on!

Brooke asked...What did you have for dinner? I haven't had dinner yet tonight. Last night I had leftover Chinese take-out, a dish called Thai Spicy Chicken. I'm trying to eat at home these days, but one large container and rice fed me for two nights.

Kat asked...Who are you? My name is Todd, Kat. I'm a frequent visitor to your blog, as are you to mine. Check the archives. Our comments are on each other's blogs. Remember now? Good.

msaphillips asked...What was the most scared you were as a child? I had to go into the hospital when I was six because I almost died in my sleep one night. It was like I was choking but nothing was lodged in my throat. If we didn't live in such a small house at the time my mom wouldn't have heard me gasping for breath and that might have been it. (Hooray, divorce-induced poverty!)

L.A. asked...Pres. Bush is coming over for dinner and he's bringing Jessica Alba. What do you serve? As soon as Bush darkened my doorstep he'd get the ol' shovel to the face, so that leaves Jessica. I'd find out from her manager or publicist or fan club president what her favorite food is, and I'd cook it for her.

Kris asked...What are your two biggest life regrets thus far? The first would be not going away to college. I think the life experience you get from dorm life is important. The second is not finishing college. This obviously has a lot to do with why I'm broke and unhappy with my job. I was just SO TIRED of school. I'm really not someone who thrives in an institutional setting.

Crystal (from Memphis) asked...What song best describes you losing your virginity? Any song by The Ramones, because it was fast, loud, fun, sloppy, and over in less than two minutes.

Crystal (from Chicago) asked...If the government chose to crack down on bloggers by declaring us persona non grata, which country would you seek asylum in and why? Well, I'd pick any non-French providence of Canada, because I could then commence to stalking Dena proper-like. No, because I hear Toronto and Vancouver are beautiful cities and they have the closest to the kind of life I'm used to.

Andi asked...What is your number one "song to bang to"? It took a lot not to answer "Whatever's in your CD player, hotcakes," but I'll officially say "Pussy Control" by Prince.

Miss Pants asked...What would you say to a born again Christian co-worker that constantly sings religious music in her cubicle as if she's the next American Idol? I wouldn't say anything; I'd sing my own songs of a less spiritual nature. The quaint ditty "Bitches Ain't Shit" by NWA comes to mind. Or perhaps Easy E's "Pussy-Fuckin' Gangsta."

Miss Pants asked...What is the worst gift you've ever been given? Saying "The gift of life" would be too cynical, huh? My dad always gave me crap with the University of Kentucky logos on it, even though I told him how much I hated UK. My mom would always ask what I wanted and go get it, so other than that I've been pretty lucky in the gift department.

Egan asked....You think Pat Robertson packs heat? Of course. Sensible gun control is a sin. Jesus wants cops to be shot with armor-piercing bullets.

Belle asked...If you could be reincarnated as anyone or anything, what would you choose to become? I'd be Hugh Hefner as a young man, right after he founded the Playboy empire. This shouldn't require an explanation.

Blonde asked...How do you prefer your woman: Jungle Bush, Landing Strip, Hairless Kitty? Definitely the landing strip, or as I like to call it, the Hairway to Heaven.

Blonde asked...How is it that Starr Jones missed a shovel to the face? An oversight. Consider her added to the list.

Fence asked...What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? What do you mean, African or European swallow?

mollynormal asked...What is the most fun you've ever had for less than $10? When I worked at a large liquor store I would always go to parties sponsored by liquor distributors. They were fine examples of drunken debauchery and they didn't cost me a dime.

mollynormal asked...What do you think about during sex to prolong the pleasure? I usually just think "Odds are, this is it. I may never have sex again after this." That works. By the way, mollyn., thanks for commenting.

Princess Steph asked...How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop and how much would you pay me to find out for sure? I need to find some way to earn a million dollars and have Trojan fit my cock with a condom that looks like a Tootsie Pop wrapper. Everyone, I realize that was filthy, but Steph has a good sense of humor.

Skinny Dip asked...Why do you like to know what girls are wearing? The question was meant as a joke, but your reply "I'm wearing a white lacy thong, white lacy bra, white t-vest, black low hipster trousers and high heeled shoes..." made me wish I'd been asking all along.

Skinny Dip asked...Okay, what are you wearing? Old Navy t-shirt and a pair of shorts. Not as thought-provoking as your answer. Hope you continue visiting my blog.

Randi asked...(four parter) How long have you lived in Vegas? Since October 1, 2002. Favorite thing about living here? Just minutes away from the Strip. Even though I may only go there once or twice a month, it's good to have around when you want it. Least favorite thing? No real neighborhoods or sense of community. Oh, and it's replete with total douchebags. What brought you here? I wanted a change and my brother talked me in to Vegas.

Livia asked...What are you doing September 8-11? Apparently I'll be wandering around the Palms looking for your drunk ass (Ha ha). Don't worry, if I see you passed out I'll turn you over on your stomach so you don't choke on your own vomit.

Flesh Von Wintoor asked...Have you ever had a ghey experience of any kind? One time I rubbed one out while reading your blog, Flesh. Does that count? Seriously, good to hear from you. Don't be a stranger.

Claudeedah asked...(four parter) How tall are you? 6'6". How'd you get so tall? I grew. Do you play basketball? Yeah, in the fat white middle-aged league. Are your parents tall? I don't know, I was adopted by midgets for the purpose of frightening burglers. (Note: Claudia is a tall girl who has a blog detailing the dumb questions she gets regarding her height. Her questions were an example of said questions. Carry on.)

Cincysundevil asked...So, with Ms. Alba, what do you remove first, the bra or the panties? Why would I be wearing a bra and panties in front of Jessica Alba? Actually, I always go for the bra first.

ms. hellion asked...The Blogger Gods give you the right to remove one question from this list. Which one will it be? The next one from Os, because it's so fucking long and I'm tired of this post already!

Osbasso asked...Your rich uncle just died, leaving you $1oo million. But to claim it, you'd have to catch just one of the following acts in Vegas every night for a month: Celine Dion, Elton John, Barry Manilow, or Wayne Newton. Or, for $1o million, you have to be one of those kids that pass out business cards for those ladies on the Strip. Which would you opt for, and why? This is actually pretty easy. Forget about being a smut peddler for ten mil when a hundred mil is within reach. I actually like some of Elton John's music, and the show itself was well-reviewed. Come on, for one hundred million I'd gladly sit through a month of even Celine Dion. I'll sit in her nice air conditioned theatre for a month, sipping margaritas that I'm putting on a tab.

Osbasso asked...North Strip, South Strip, or Downtown: Where's your best entertainment value, and why? Os, my friend, the South Strip would be the most expensive of these three areas, but I say it has the best entertainment value. Why? You or anyone else can drink cheap in your own hometown. You want to enjoy your vacation. You don't want to dodge pickpockets and purse snatchers North Strip or stare at that tacky-ass canopy downtown. You want to be on the South or South-Center Strip, the Palms, the Hard Rock, or if you want to "get away from it all," the Green Valley Ranch in Henderson. Otherwise, you might as well just go to the local brewpub.

Sam asked...If you had to choose between losing an arm or having a 2-inch penis (length) which would you choose? Just call me Lefty. I'd drop that arm like Pitt dropped Aniston. I'm not a surgeon or a juggler. I'll do just fine with one arm. I'll bet it would be easier to pick up women with a cool story about how I lost the arm than by waving 2 inches of hampster junk at them.

Brooke asked...Would you rather have Bill Gates' money or Tommy Lee's schlong? Brooke, I loved that you typed "schlong." You should write a poem called "Schlong and Twat." I assume that if I took Tommy Lee's schlong I'd have to have my money. Fuck that. Give me Bill Gates' money. Money is probably cleaner than anything on Tommy Lee.


Real men go for the bra first. Good move. If you rip off the panties first you just look desperate.

In my CD player: Alvin and the Chipmunks Do Dallas soundtrack.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

That was funny.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

And I’ll be changing my name from Honey Pants to Pushy Pants.

Blogger Ruben said...

I enjoyed this post. It was funny!

Blogger MollyNormal said...

Great answers, Todd. I, for one, would definitely be more likely to do a one-armed guy than a guy with a 2 inch penis. I'm sure I'm not alone. Good choice.

Blogger Kristine said...


hampster junk


Blogger Randi said...

that was fun!

Blogger Livia said...

I would be very grateful if you didn't let me choke on my own vomit. I might just have to buy you a drink after that.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

oh Todd what a wonderful answer to my (and all) questions.

(meet me under the bleachers later.)

Blogger Blonde said...

I do not have any carpet to match the curtains. The floor is bare. Sorry.

I hope that this doesn't turn you off :(

Blogger Rob Danger said...

I'm glad to here I'm not the only who masterbates to my own writing. Check me out on Mean Queens, I'm back and I'm blacker than ever.

Blogger Belle said...

Would anyone pick Tommy Lee's schlong over Bill Gates' money?

Hugh Hefner? Looking for the easy lfe, huh? I'm coming back as a lizard.

Blogger Jenny said...

Yours was the first great blog I've seen--thanks for the laughs!

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Hilarious!! Absolutely hilarious!! I'm even more scared of Pat Robertson and even scared of Jesus a bit now that I know he's a Smith & Wesson kinda guy!!

Blogger Chrissie said...

Vancover sucks. Come to Toronto. Well if you truly can't pick anywhere else cooler that is ;) I love my city but I sure want to get the hell out of it sometimes.

Blogger katarina said...

Thanks for clearing that up. My memory escapes me sometimes.
So...who am I?

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