Thursday, August 18, 2005
My Day in Review
This is how my Wednesday went:

4:01 am- My alarm goes off. As part of God's cruel design, he made me live through the night. Fuck!

4:29 am - I finally get out of bed, cursing myself for dropping out of college.

5:15 am - After tending to my hygiene and dressing myself, I leave the house. Driving with no power steering will give me Popeye arms by the end of the month.

5:30 am - I stop to put gas in the vehicle o' death. $2.59 a gallon? What's in this gas, the blood of Christ? Then I make a tactical error. Since I'm already there, I buy a cup of gas station coffee, despite knowing it will make my asshole explode.

5:49 am - My asshole explodes. Luckily I make it to work before it happens.

6:37 am - I've been at work thirty-seven minutes...time for a break. I go to Starbucks and embarrassingly order a grande non-fat, sugar free hazelnut latte. Afterwards I have to bribe my penis not to leave me for consuming such a girly concoction.

11:00 am - I go to a McDonald's inside a Wal-Mart for lunch. Yes, they've joined forces, so prepare for the end of civilization. Going to a fast food joint for a salad is like going to a strip club for an art history symposium, but it isn't that bad. However, the combined mediocrity of McDonald's and Wal-Mart almost stops my heart.

2:30 pm - Why are the streets practically empty when I go to work, but when I go home I'm stuck in absolute gridlock? I think a lot of Las Vegans have a five-hour work day.

3:16 pm - My blog hasn't been shut down by Dick Cheney's jack-booted thugs or people who just generally hate shit. Hooray.

6:33 pm - For dinner I have green beans and fat free turkey sausage. Halfway through, I think to myself, "How can a meat product be fat free?" Really, how is this possible? The flesh of an animal is in this shit; there has to be some fat. Or perhaps entrails, beaks, and sausagian by-products truly are fat free. It's best to not think about this too much.

7:00 pm - Three hundred channels of digital cable and every night I watch King of the Hill and Simpsons reruns on local television.

8:01 pm - Another horseshit blog entry is given life.

I hope just reading about my whirlwind Vegas lifestyle didn't exhaust anyone. I actually have real plans this weekend unless I'm distracted by a King of the Hill marathon or a random shiny object.


i actually like the new salads they have at Mickey D's. i had one for the first time a couple of months ago and it was really delicious. i even did a post about how good it was.

i love turkey sausage and fresh green beans! i also put new potatoes in mine. the potatoes taste really good the next day after sitting in the sausage juice overnight.

Blogger Egan said...

11:00am entry is by far my favorite Todd. An art symposium at a strip club: I'm lovin' it!

"Care for a for a McSalad with your McFlurry sir?"

19 minutes for the ass to explode is pretty good. Hey any updates on your first day of turning PayPal tricks?

Blogger blog administrator said...

You have "ass" in the title of your blog. That's funny.

What exactly does 4:29 look like?

Blogger MoDigli said...

YNH!!! That's *MY* drink!!!!
grande nonfat sugarfree hazelnut latte!!!!!

Oh my god -- that was VERY GIRLY OF YOU! :)))

Blogger Kristine said...

Dude, I'm officially revoking your Man Card.

Blogger MsAPhillips said...

Please explain how you bribed your penis.

Blogger Randi said...

i wonder what my day would look like if i did what you just did....

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Thank you for sparing us the details of your asshole exploding.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Every time I read your blog I feel better about my life. Thank you Todd.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Yeah, thanks for the backhanded compliment, Brooke.

Blogger Crystal said...

That was so funny, you have a real talent here! And I thought Vegas was all Razzle & Dazzle.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Hmmm...when you wrote that comment, were you actually thinking of backhanding me?

Love ya babe!

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

King of the Hill rocks!

Exploding assholes are a nuisance.

Blogger Rachel said...

4:01? WTF?

Oh, and I have a random shiny object but I'm not tellin' where.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

If it makes you feel any better, I was up at 5 too but didn't need to be up until 6. Hate when that happens!

Hope tomorrow is a much better day for you Todd -

hugs and kisses from B-more

Blogger Cladeedah said...

Sometimes I wonder why you keep going back to that sunset & marks walmart.. but then I remember that it makes such great blog material.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Now I understand why "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

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