This is how my Wednesday went:
4:01 am- My alarm goes off. As part of God's cruel design, he made me live through the night. Fuck!
4:29 am - I finally get out of bed, cursing myself for dropping out of college.
5:15 am - After tending to my hygiene and dressing myself, I leave the house. Driving with no power steering will give me Popeye arms by the end of the month.
5:30 am - I stop to put gas in the vehicle o' death. $2.59 a gallon? What's in this gas, the blood of Christ? Then I make a tactical error. Since I'm already there, I buy a cup of gas station coffee, despite knowing it will make my asshole explode.
5:49 am - My asshole explodes. Luckily I make it to work before it happens.
6:37 am - I've been at work thirty-seven minutes...time for a break. I go to Starbucks and embarrassingly order a grande non-fat, sugar free hazelnut latte. Afterwards I have to bribe my penis not to leave me for consuming such a girly concoction.
11:00 am - I go to a McDonald's inside a Wal-Mart for lunch. Yes, they've joined forces, so prepare for the end of civilization. Going to a fast food joint for a salad is like going to a strip club for an art history symposium, but it isn't that bad. However, the combined mediocrity of McDonald's and Wal-Mart almost stops my heart.
2:30 pm - Why are the streets practically empty when I go to work, but when I go home I'm stuck in absolute gridlock? I think a lot of Las Vegans have a five-hour work day.
3:16 pm - My blog hasn't been shut down by Dick Cheney's jack-booted thugs or people who just generally hate shit. Hooray.
6:33 pm - For dinner I have green beans and fat free turkey sausage. Halfway through, I think to myself, "How can a meat product be fat free?" Really, how is this possible? The flesh of an animal is in this shit; there has to be some fat. Or perhaps entrails, beaks, and sausagian by-products truly are fat free. It's best to not think about this too much.
7:00 pm - Three hundred channels of digital cable and every night I watch King of the Hill and Simpsons reruns on local television.
8:01 pm - Another horseshit blog entry is given life.
I hope just reading about my whirlwind Vegas lifestyle didn't exhaust anyone. I actually have real plans this weekend unless I'm distracted by a King of the Hill marathon or a random shiny object.
4:01 am- My alarm goes off. As part of God's cruel design, he made me live through the night. Fuck!
4:29 am - I finally get out of bed, cursing myself for dropping out of college.
5:15 am - After tending to my hygiene and dressing myself, I leave the house. Driving with no power steering will give me Popeye arms by the end of the month.
5:30 am - I stop to put gas in the vehicle o' death. $2.59 a gallon? What's in this gas, the blood of Christ? Then I make a tactical error. Since I'm already there, I buy a cup of gas station coffee, despite knowing it will make my asshole explode.
5:49 am - My asshole explodes. Luckily I make it to work before it happens.
6:37 am - I've been at work thirty-seven minutes...time for a break. I go to Starbucks and embarrassingly order a grande non-fat, sugar free hazelnut latte. Afterwards I have to bribe my penis not to leave me for consuming such a girly concoction.
11:00 am - I go to a McDonald's inside a Wal-Mart for lunch. Yes, they've joined forces, so prepare for the end of civilization. Going to a fast food joint for a salad is like going to a strip club for an art history symposium, but it isn't that bad. However, the combined mediocrity of McDonald's and Wal-Mart almost stops my heart.
2:30 pm - Why are the streets practically empty when I go to work, but when I go home I'm stuck in absolute gridlock? I think a lot of Las Vegans have a five-hour work day.
3:16 pm - My blog hasn't been shut down by Dick Cheney's jack-booted thugs or people who just generally hate shit. Hooray.
6:33 pm - For dinner I have green beans and fat free turkey sausage. Halfway through, I think to myself, "How can a meat product be fat free?" Really, how is this possible? The flesh of an animal is in this shit; there has to be some fat. Or perhaps entrails, beaks, and sausagian by-products truly are fat free. It's best to not think about this too much.
7:00 pm - Three hundred channels of digital cable and every night I watch King of the Hill and Simpsons reruns on local television.
8:01 pm - Another horseshit blog entry is given life.
I hope just reading about my whirlwind Vegas lifestyle didn't exhaust anyone. I actually have real plans this weekend unless I'm distracted by a King of the Hill marathon or a random shiny object.
12 Comments:
i actually like the new salads they have at Mickey D's. i had one for the first time a couple of months ago and it was really delicious. i even did a post about how good it was.
i love turkey sausage and fresh green beans! i also put new potatoes in mine. the potatoes taste really good the next day after sitting in the sausage juice overnight.
11:00am entry is by far my favorite Todd. An art symposium at a strip club: I'm lovin' it!
"Care for a for a McSalad with your McFlurry sir?"
19 minutes for the ass to explode is pretty good. Hey any updates on your first day of turning PayPal tricks?
What exactly does 4:29 look like?
YNH!!! That's *MY* drink!!!!
grande nonfat sugarfree hazelnut latte!!!!!
Oh my god -- that was VERY GIRLY OF YOU! :)))
i wonder what my day would look like if i did what you just did....
Every time I read your blog I feel better about my life. Thank you Todd.
Yeah, thanks for the backhanded compliment, Brooke.
That was so funny, you have a real talent here! And I thought Vegas was all Razzle & Dazzle.
Hmmm...when you wrote that comment, were you actually thinking of backhanding me?
Love ya babe!
4:01? WTF?
Oh, and I have a random shiny object but I'm not tellin' where.
Sometimes I wonder why you keep going back to that sunset & marks walmart.. but then I remember that it makes such great blog material.
Now I understand why "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."
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