Tuesday, August 30, 2005
I Watch the VMA's So You Don't Have To
I know everyone is wondering what an old, out of touch jackass thought about the M-TV Video Music Awards. Well then, this is your lucky day because I watched the wretched program on Sunday night and, as my memory is failing me, took notes on the proceedings.

Pre Show
I watch part of the pre-show as I write Monday's blog post. They show part of a new Madonna video. Madonna? This isn't VH-1 Classic; what is Madonna doing on my television? Why are they giving her free publicity? Wilfred Brimley is more relevant to youth culture than Madonna.

They keep showing "celebrities" getting out of tricked-out limos. Some pack of ghouls called My Chemical Romance arrives in a Brinks Truck. It would have been more appropriate had they shown up in one of those trucks that sucks the shit out of septic tanks. The lead singer, although male, looks like Paula Poundstone's corpse.

A rapper I've never heard of performs. Why can't rappers harmonize? It always sounds like two people rapping two completely different songs.

Bow Wow is going out with Ciara. Wow, if I was a dimwitted twelve-year-old girl there'd be a puddle on my couch right now.

Ricky Martin is on screen. I check my calendar to make sure it's not 1999. There are still five people in Nebraska who think he's straight.

Some guy named Sway who works for M-TV needs to STOP SHOUTING. You have a microphone; we can hear you. You're an inch away from the musicians; they can hear you.

Someone talks to Ashlee Simpson and it's revealed she's lip-syncing the interview! They play the wrong tape and Ashlee "says" she's happy to be at the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards.

Fall Out Boy performs. To say they suck would be an insult to things that suck.

The Show
Sean Combs, who now goes by Diddy, is the host. Mr. Combs is good at two things: Shameless self-promotion and reducing music to its lowest denominator in order to sell it to idiots. Notice that "hosting" is not on that short list. They could have gotten someone worse, I suppose. They could have kidnapped a kid with Palsy and shot a spear through his head and just had him stagger about the stage mumbling incoherencies and pissing himself. That might have been worse, although at least the kid would have been capable of a certain human characteristic I like to call humility.

The first presenter is Lindsay Lohan. Oh, sweet mother of regurgitation, she is even skinnier. She looks like Terry Schiavo with a blonde fright wig. When she leans in to the microphone, I get a glimpse of her training bra. Then a professional xylophone player comes out and performs "MacArthur Park" on her ribs.

Jessica and Ashlee Simpson present an award. Jessica is a beautiful girl, but she has a throw rug stapled to her hips. Ashlee is a beautiful girl's sister and I don't recall what she wore.

Jessica Alba is on screen. I jotted down something witty in my notebook but it's been smeared by lust-drool.

Shakira sings in Spanish but shakes her hot ass in a language everyone can understand.

The lowlight of the evening thus far is R. Kelly's "performance", an odd mixture of Godzilla-film quality lip syncing and silent movie-style acting, but that's not what bothers me. Isn't there a tape, in the hands of the proper authorities, of R. Kelly PISSING ON A THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD? Why is he allowed on televison, for the love of fuck?

Okay, I like Snoop. He should shoot Diddy right now and take over the show.

I don't know what happened between 9-9:30. I watched Family Guy.

I can't get enough of people yelling "What up, Miami?" More please.

Kelly Clarkson has lost weight and dyed her hair blonde and now looks like a shorter, not quite as stunning Mandy Moore.

Joss Stone presents an award with Ricky Martin. Was Joss alive when Ricky was popular?

I'm actually being pulled toward my television by the vortex that is Eva Longoria's camel toe.

Mariah Carey: Still curvy, still crazy.

I hate reggae music. I hate the New York Yankees. This Tourette's victim Daddy Yankee must be eliminated.

Destiny's Child says their goodbyes. Why are they not performing? I'm not a big fan, but at least they can harmonize. Beyonce smiles and the other two cry. Guess who still has a career today?

I fall asleep for fifteen minutes or so. I'm sure I didn't miss anything.

The Killers must have performed while Family Guy was on, but I did see them win something. They're from Vegas and although I dislike them as people I don't dislike them for the same reason I dislike most Vegas residents. Hmmm.

THE GRAND FINALE, THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR....LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, INTRODUCING Kelly Clarkson. Really, that's it? Was Clay Aiken busy? That was the best M-TV could do? She screamed a rock song, it rained on her and that was it. I kept waiting for an actual superstar to make an appearance, but it never happened.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot..Green Day keeps winning awards. A bunch of other things happen that don't impress me. They'll rerun it a million times but I wouldn't bother watching if I were you.


LMAO! so you're saying that you like the song i'm playing on my blog now? (j/k)

i love snoop too! they should have had him host the show!

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I think I may be in love with you.

Please don't tell Uberdilf; it would break his heart.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Sweet Jesus and baby Jesus, thank you for watching so I didn't have to (and for the Quaker Oats Man reference)!

I recently went to a My Chemical Romance show in SF. I didn't realize it was an All Ages Show.
Translation: 90% jr. high students.
Upside: no line at the bar.
Downside: I got picked up on by some guy who was CHAPERONING his 13 yr old's birthday party.

Blogger katarina said...

I don't have Mtv. It's not like they play videos anyway. I couldn't tell you the last time I saw a video. I don't know who half of those people are anymore. I still listen to top 40 stations, but I don't get involved in who they are. If I like it, I like it. No one will remember anything about those awards this year but the fact that Gwen boycotted. I didn't realize that she was so spoiled.

Blogger Blonde said...

I missed the show and figured I would catch it one of the other million times they show it. Thanks to your re-cap, I think I am going to pass.

Though Eve Longoria's camel toe must have been a sight!

Thanks for making me LOL!

Blogger Harley Quinn said...

I watched this also...with my two sons. Ashley simpson is a Jackass.

You may have missed the actor that plays "ari fleicher" on "Entourage" make himself look like an ass trying to boost up little Kim after first backhanding her about lying in court. Where do they get these people.

My HUGE laugh for the VMAs came when snoop walked out in his blue-rag-ridden tux and matching blue-rag converse (with a tux).

My second place laugh when Kelly Clarkson fell during her performance.

My third place laugh was when 50 cent was being interviewed my suchin and he looked like he ate poopie AND THEN Kanye was buffing his shoes while being interviewed by her. It was a sad night for her.

My "awwwwwwwww" came for Gwen Stefani for only winning best dressed. I think she got payback for the FARKING holla back girl song. (i was a cheerleader - but that shit is bananas - fo reals).

That Debauchle of 50 cent and Tony Yayo was because Fat Joe made a crack about thanking the G-Unit for all the police security...it was a dig at 50. I'm just surprised there were no gun-shots.

And what about the Jacob watch Diddy gave to that kid in the audience??? :O

I think the highlight was when diddy gave out 100,000 of his own money to charities picked by the best dressed of the evening - Gwen and Snoop.

Jessica Simpson's hair looked like an animal was set free in it.

Was it just me or did it seem like all of the "rock" bands were blowing each other this year??? "you're the best" no "you're the best". good gawd.

Fall out boys - I dont know who found them - but they need to send them back. You cant understand the singer!! And they won an award!?!?!

Hee Hee - I was hoping Mariah's Crazy ass would drop her mic in the water at the end.

The grand finale did suck. she screamed more than she sang.

Every year they get a little more crazy...I wonder what's in store for next year??

Blogger Princess Steph said...

for the love of fuck?

gawd i'm in love with you.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

Thanks for saving me three hours, Todd. It is appreciated.

Blogger Randi said...

i might have to watch it just to see all the train wrecks myself....altho your breakdown might work too

Blogger ago-go said...

great post once again, you crack me up. jessica alba...mmmmm, it's been a while....

totally unrelated, do you have an email accees? i imagine you do since you are a posting fool. anywho, drop me a line, i've got some info to pass on to you.

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

I've long held the belief that I am the only person living who doesn't think Green Day is any good. Likewise The Strokes and White Stripes.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Green Day is originally from my area and I think they SUCK BALLS.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

agreed- green day needs to disappear a la a donut within Kristie Ally's reach....

Blogger yournamehere said...

Snoop should host all the shows on M-TV.

I promise I won't tell your husband of your love for me, but when he sees the renewed spark in your eye, he'll know...he'll know.

miss pants,
I'm not a big fan of Green Day, but I like them better than My Chemical Roadblock or whatever. Did you get lucky with the chaperone?

Gwen was there, she just didn't perform, part of M-TV's master plan not to have anyone I've ever heard of play music.

Her camel toe could be seen from space.

all of the M-TV personalities suck. Kurt Loder still has a job with them? Who does he have pictures of?

Blogger yournamehere said...

princess steph,
It's pretty obvious the love is mutual.

You are welcome, my dear.

DVR or tape it and watch the R. Kelly thing. Damn, it sucked.

Jessica looked so good I couldn't pay attention to what she said and I haven't the slightest idea who was on stage with her.

miss pants and steph,
I know Sandra hates Green Day too, so that settles it: If the babes don't like Green Day, I don't like Green Day.

Blogger katarina said...

I like Green Day.

Blogger yournamehere said...

god damn it, now I'm conflicted. Okay, I'll just tell the girls what they want to hear. "Yeah, I hate Green Day, too." Or "Yeah, I love Green Day, too." Isn't that the male way to handle the situation?

Blogger Brookelina said...

I would rather watch paint dry than the VMA's. This from a girl who used to count the days until the VMA's came on - back in the 80's - when MTV was actually cool.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm new to this answering every comment thing. Sorry I skipped you. Looks like you aren't alone in your Green Day hatred.

I didn't watch the VMA's much in the eighties because of my hatred of Michael Jackson. I liked them in the early nineties with Pearl Jam and Nirvana and the Chili Peppers. Good stuff.

Blogger ginonymous said...

for what it's worth, iFilm has the R. Kelly thing available for watching. just make sure you don't have a mouthful of liquid. don't want to ruin your keyboard.



who likes green day

Ya know, I actually thought of you when Longoria's camel toe walked out.

Blogger Kodijack said...

And this is why I come here.

"Wilfred Brimley is more relevant to youth culture than Madonna."

Thank you.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Jesus, that was god-awful. I don't think I can watch it again. It looked like something from "Waiting for Guffman".

exactly, "it" was onstage before she was.

You're welcome.

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