Is Las Vegas the Stupidity Epicenter of the Known Universe?

Preface: I would like to thank my new blogger friend Claudia and her fiance Brian for inviting me to a party Saturday night. I had a good time and had pleasant conversations with decent people. Thank god, because I was about to lose all hope concerning this town.

Wise readers, think of your hometown and its douchebag inhabitants. Are there any you haven't seen around lately? Have you not seen the idiot sideways-hat-wearin' pseudo-slang throwin' jackass who drives a Honda Civic customized with a motor from a '64 Chevy Impala? Has the slack-jawed girl who managed to get pregnant the day after her own birth been conspicuous by her absence? Well, these miscreants aren't dead or in prison, I'm sorry to report. They've moved to Las Vegas. I'm convinced that by the year 2012 every single douchebag, jackass, half-wit, faux-thug, real thug, and spunk-guzzling gutter snipe in the United States will reside in my adopted hometown.

I saw the darkness my first full day in town. I was at a McDonald's in Henderson and apparently that was the day all unwed mothers under the age of sixteen ate free. The welfare strollers were nipping at my heels as I tried to order a #2 combo, and that's when I saw her. The girl couldn't have been old enough to legally drink but she had enough children to field a baseball team in the Nevada Bastard League. Her eyes were so close together at first glance I thought she was a Cyclops, and it looked as if she'd been beaten about the head, face, and neck with a sack of tokens.

The last two official dates I've been on have been with black girls, so I'm no stranger to social diversity, but this girl took it to an illogical extreme. Each and every one of her children were of a different race or ethnicity. She not only wanted to fuck every kind of person on the planet, she was collecting souvenirs; little dirty, screaming souvenirs. As she tried in vain to organize the Rainbow Coalition that sprang from her loins I could imagine all of the nation's flags waving in the breeze around her vagina, a uterine U.N. if you will. Who was her ob/gyn, Kofi Annan?

And these children, all of whom called her "mommy" at one point, weren't adopted. No adoption agency on earth would have allowed this girl to become a parent. A band of gypsies selling babies from the back of a van would have turned her away. Her shadow actually spelled the words "Unfit Parent". I damn near abandoned all of my wordly possessions and caught the next available flight back to Louisville.

That day was what they call in literary circles "dramatic foreshadowing", as I have been buried up to my forehead in stupidity ever since.