Monday, August 29, 2005
Is Las Vegas the Stupidity Epicenter of the Known Universe?
Preface: I would like to thank my new blogger friend Claudia and her fiance Brian for inviting me to a party Saturday night. I had a good time and had pleasant conversations with decent people. Thank god, because I was about to lose all hope concerning this town.

Wise readers, think of your hometown and its douchebag inhabitants. Are there any you haven't seen around lately? Have you not seen the idiot sideways-hat-wearin' pseudo-slang throwin' jackass who drives a Honda Civic customized with a motor from a '64 Chevy Impala? Has the slack-jawed girl who managed to get pregnant the day after her own birth been conspicuous by her absence? Well, these miscreants aren't dead or in prison, I'm sorry to report. They've moved to Las Vegas. I'm convinced that by the year 2012 every single douchebag, jackass, half-wit, faux-thug, real thug, and spunk-guzzling gutter snipe in the United States will reside in my adopted hometown.

I saw the darkness my first full day in town. I was at a McDonald's in Henderson and apparently that was the day all unwed mothers under the age of sixteen ate free. The welfare strollers were nipping at my heels as I tried to order a #2 combo, and that's when I saw her. The girl couldn't have been old enough to legally drink but she had enough children to field a baseball team in the Nevada Bastard League. Her eyes were so close together at first glance I thought she was a Cyclops, and it looked as if she'd been beaten about the head, face, and neck with a sack of tokens.

The last two official dates I've been on have been with black girls, so I'm no stranger to social diversity, but this girl took it to an illogical extreme. Each and every one of her children were of a different race or ethnicity. She not only wanted to fuck every kind of person on the planet, she was collecting souvenirs; little dirty, screaming souvenirs. As she tried in vain to organize the Rainbow Coalition that sprang from her loins I could imagine all of the nation's flags waving in the breeze around her vagina, a uterine U.N. if you will. Who was her ob/gyn, Kofi Annan?

And these children, all of whom called her "mommy" at one point, weren't adopted. No adoption agency on earth would have allowed this girl to become a parent. A band of gypsies selling babies from the back of a van would have turned her away. Her shadow actually spelled the words "Unfit Parent". I damn near abandoned all of my wordly possessions and caught the next available flight back to Louisville.

That day was what they call in literary circles "dramatic foreshadowing", as I have been buried up to my forehead in stupidity ever since.


24 Comments:

Blogger Belle said...

Yes. Las Vegas is, indeed, the Stupidity Epicenter of the Known Universe.

Blogger Cladeedah said...

I drive like shit, so that's how I got my free-pass to enter.

Thanks fot coming to the party, T - glad you had a good time. Hopefully one of those decent conversations was actually w/ Brian or me. :-)

Blogger katarina said...

Did you give her a souvenir?

Blogger MsAPhillips said...

Nevada Bastard League... her shadow spelled 'unfit parent'...

big round of applause, ladies and gentlemen!

Blogger Ruben said...

Tragic, but so damned funny!

Blogger MollyNormal said...

"a uterine U.N. if you will" HA HA HA this almost made me shoot coffee out of my nose as I was reading it this morning. Too funny. BTW - this occurence is not native to LV. THere are plenty of little bastard baseball teams here in Wisconsin too.

Blogger MsHellion said...

Hey, don't dis the NBL - That's the only place I ever got to spend time with Coach Daddy.

hee hee

Blogger Crystal said...

Oh god, you are good! "A uterine UN", I nearly cried from laughing so hard.

Blogger Blonde said...

You always make me laugh out loud and I love you for it!

Glad that you met up with some Bloggers. I think us bloggers are fabulous people!

I thought that Vegas was the Mullett Capital of the US...

Blogger MoDigli said...

Her shadow actually spelled the words "Unfit Parent" .... hahahha!!! ... sadly hilarious.

It's so true though. WHY have a bunch of children if you don't know what the heck you're doing anyway!???

Blogger MsHellion said...

I think this happens when stupid people use condoms as an oral contraceptive.

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

Criminally hilarious, as usual, but if you insist on continuing to slag Las Vegas I might have to trot out my Moe Green soliloquy again...!

Blogger n.v. said...

My 12 year old neighbour, who had a baby last year, will be in Nevada shortly. Expect her and a box of Malimars as a gift for putting her up.

PS - 12 Yr Old Skank enjoys oral on Sundays, horseback riding, and fictional accounts of the Holocaust.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Sorry, Las Vegas is left of center - the center is South Florida.

Blogger Rachel said...

"Who was her ob/gyn, Kofi Annan?"

Fuck! I love you so hard!

Blogger yournamehere said...

belle,
I'm glad we're in agreement.

claudia,
I especially liked the conversation about Jesus not wanting to cuddle.

kat,
no, she had her eye on an Eskimo manning the fryer. I think he'd complete her set.

msaphillips,
thank you. Please be seated.

ruben,
a wise man once said, comedy is tragedy plus time.

Blogger yournamehere said...

mollyn.,
I hope the coffee wasn't too hot. I don't need to post a disclaimer, do I?

mshellion,
The NBL is a good place to meet chicks. And oral contraception around here means screaming "Pull it out and decorate my tummy."

Crystal,
Dry those tears. And thanks for the kind words.

Blonde,
I'm glad you love me for my mind. It's the only hope I have.

Mo,
She just wanted to spread the neglect, I suppose.

Blogger yournamehere said...

steve,
For the sake of brevity, just say, "Leave the gun. Take the cannollis" and I'll get your meaning.

dena,
no thanks, dear. The only saucy twelve-year-old I want is a bottle of bourbon.

brooke,
I know people who moved here from Florida who'll agree with you, but they have gambling addictions.

rachel,
I was a little dyslexic when I first saw your comment and thought it read "Love! I fuck you so hard!" I had to take a moment to compose myself.

Blogger JackassJimmy said...

no, she had her eye on an Eskimo manning the fryer. I think he'd complete her set.

Her set....would this be her set of...wait for it..."Gettin' some Action-Figures?!?!"

ok, it was much funnier in my head.

Great blog, I'll be here all week, try the veal.

Cheers,
JJ

Blogger yournamehere said...

J. Jimmy,
No, that wasn't bad at all. Don't be so hard on yourself.

There's nothing else to add, so I'll just say...the welfare strollers nipping at your heels was my personal favorite.

Blogger yournamehere said...

andi,
I only write this blog to please you, so I'm glad you were amused.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I think I nearly pissed myself when I read this ... damn, this is freaking hilarious!!

Blogger yournamehere said...

cincy,
Damn, I just saw this comment. Thanks for the compliment.

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