Thursday, July 20, 2006
The results of the experiment are in, and guess what? People suck.
I've spent the past day having my worst suspicions about the human race confirmed to me with extreme prejudice. It wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be.

I created a false myspace account of a superficially pretty, emotionally vapid young lady (see previous post for full details) and she was quite the popular gal with both the stupid young douchebag set and the older vulture-like exploiter set.

Why did a slightly anti-social middle-aged man with an already negative view of human nature set himself up for such a bitch-slap? I don't know....I had a day off work, okay?

Oh, the loathsome cast of characters my creation unearthed from the ooze. Two "gentlemen" wanted to "photograph" her, which is Vegas-speak for "rape repeatedly and leave for dead in the middle of the desert"; a rich European gadabout requested her for a long weekend of shopping and, I presume, flaccid-cock blowjobs; and several twentyish morons wanted to "kick it with her". *SIGH*

My favorite, and by "favorite" I mean "person I hated the most", was Jimmy, a twenty-one-year-old Vegas resident who described himself as a "Cool Motha Fucka". Really. No shit. Without a trace of irony.

Jimmy wore a backwards hat tilted oh-so-slightly askew, flashed a gang sign, and had a look of entitlement and self-satisfaction on his insipid face that made me want to punch him in his mancunt. He messaged "Kelli", and the correspondence went as follows (the lack of grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, etc. are all his):

JIMMY: "whats goin on with you, i tryin to meet some new peoples to kick it with out here i have been here for bout 1 year from georgia, and like ur self i like to get my drink on. where do you usually go to chill out"

KELLI: "Yeah, I usually go to Jet on Mondays, Pure on Tuesdays, Cherry on Fridays, Tryst on Saturdays. You'll have to take off your hat to get in those places."

JIMMY: "we should hit up one of ur spots sometime if you want i think a couple of my friends are goin to the local joint tonight at sierra gold on jones and 215 if you wanna go more than welcome"

What a complete TOOL. "She" insulted him and it went right over his K-Fed head. And really, even if she was a cool person, she wouldn't be caught dead at the fucking Sierra Gold on Jones and the 215.

If you haven't seen her profile yet, it's too late. I deleted it. The messages from Jimmy and his ilk were starting to get on my nerves.

But who knows...I think Kelli needs to start a blog.


You're right. I saw Jimmy's picture. I've never seen someone personify the word douchebag quite like him. Any one who describes themselves as a "cool motha fucka" deserves to be disemboweled.

Blogger MoDigli said...

I think the kelli blog would be hilarious!

Sadly, no surprise as to the responses you got on myspace. People truly are shallow. Maybe if we're lucky, a big wave will come to shore and sweep them all out to sea.

Blogger MsHellion said...

Damn. And just as I was about message Kelli about some recreational lesbianism. Oh well.

Blogger PoppyWill said...

Don't hate the playa hate the game..hehehe

Blogger Phain said...

if you create a blog for kelli - lemme know so i can add her to my blog roll.... buaaaaahhhhahahahaha!

Blogger 3.14 said...

again, no real surprise was it? but a blog would be fantastic. let me know

Blogger katarina said...

Ican't wait to read it.

Blogger Monalicious said...

You could probably just use my blog as Kelli's, we seem like the same person.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Todd, I have 10 lbs. of blueberries I need to use up. Would a pie make you feel better?

Blogger Tits McGee said...


Blogger yournamehere said...

he should be executed live in front of the MGM Grand.

that would be hilarious if they all drowned.

you would have hated yourself in the morning.

I hate the playa AND the game.

le chat,
I'll let you know.

I was a little surprised, I suppose.

it will probably only last one post.

you are much nicer than Kelli. And smarter.

a pie would make me feel much better. ANd much fatter. Yea pie!

truer words were never spoken.

Blogger Cherry! said...

OMG!! That's hilarious! TOo bad you deleted it! I wanted to read the profile.

And I think you should def start the kelli blog.

Blogger Violet said...

If your not goin to use it for you're my speace anymore, I want my picture back.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Maybe Jimmy is someoen's alterego, too.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

ps I cannt speel

Blogger pinkpanther said...

HA HA HA....The whole thing is cruel, rediculious, and just the sorta thing I wanna read about. Well done!

Blogger Übermilf said...

did you get my e-mail?

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

aawww, poor kellie is dead? i'm actually kind of sad for her :-(

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I vote for a kelli blog....can I be her shallow friend??

Blogger Brookelina said...

Ok, next up you need to create a supermodel/rocket scientist who can completely abuse all these halfwits as they try to get in her pants.

Blogger The Lone Rangers said...

There are more than a few of those on myspace. I always wondered though what you would get if you used that type of pic with a Harvard Alumni/ Quantum Physics background.....

Something along the lines of Roofy the hood...

"Hey i was just wonderin if u wanted to kick it...ummm what u mean by extended academic degree?? U talkin GED 'cause then we good ta go..."

Blogger Egan said...

Kelli totally needs a blog man. It could be a collaborative effort.

Just ran into Kelli at Carrabba's. She is not as shallow as people may think. There seemed to be some serious concern regarding a missing W.A.D. and a theory that it was transported by a large, denim covered semi, through Pahrump, into Syria and then Louisville. Any thoughts on this?

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

I'm somewhat confused.

An experiment needed to be conducted in order to arrive at the conclusion that people suck?


Blogger little ol' me? said...

I vote for the Kelli blog!

Blogger yournamehere said...

I couldn't deal with it anymore.

oh, I'll still be using the picture, if you know what I mean.

spinning girl,
I'm afraid Jimmy is all too real.

thank you.

I got your email, and have assumed control of your blog.

she's not dead. She lives in the heart of every shallow, vapid chick on earth.

we can all be Kelli's shallow friend.

that sounds like fun, but I'm myspaced out.

so you're seen myspace, huh?

I barely keep up with my own blog, but we'll see.

Carrabba's? Is this Mike?

so, are you guys coming to Lebowski Fest?

little ol',
everyone is voting for the Kelli blog.

Blogger Kelli said...

You suck, fattie.

Blogger 3.14 said...

all i have to say is HAHAHAHAHAH.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

fuck, I went to ubies first and saw "kelli" calling the hottie a fatass and was about to open up on her only to find out she is a just a big-tittied version of you.
damn I was all excited.

It's me big man. And Kelli says hello.

Blogger solethoughts said...

Guys like Jimmy increase normals guys' chances of meeting women exponentially.

Blogger Cibbuano said...

You deleted the profile? I followed this from Steph's site, and I'm too late to see the douchebaggy goodness?

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