Monday, March 05, 2007
The night I had to admit that yes, I am a nice guy


Todd, you're saying to yourself while dressing your poodles in sailor outfits, why is there a silhouette of a stripper attached to a post about your eternal nice guy status? Because, blog friends and assorted lurkers, it was at a strip club that I finally realized, once and for all, that women think of me as the nice guy, no matter what.

Until that fateful evening I had always been in nice guy denial, or NGD. Come on, who doesn't want to be the guy who just might fuck his date's sister if he gets the chance?

Anyway, one night about six or seven years ago I was at a Louisville strip club, one I had been visiting about twice a month. A friend and I were sitting at a table drinking overpriced bourbons and I was talking to "an employee of the club", a nice young girl who was working her way through college by showing her goodies to strangers. I had talked to her a few times before, and I think she appreciated my concerted effort to look her in the face during our conversations.

Strippers can smell a nice guy like a queef in a car, so she started "confiding" in me. Then, with one bold gesture, she told me that I might be the nicest fucking guy on this shithole called Earth.

"I have to go to the bathroom," she said. "Make sure nobody bothers this." This was A SMALL PURSE FILLED WITH ALL OF HER STRIPPER EARNINGS FOR THE NIGHT! She left it there. She went to "freshen up" and left several hundred dollars sitting on the table in the form of a bedazzled handbag. She, a stripper, trusted a virtual stranger with her cash.

And god damn it she was right to trust me. I didn't even think of stealing her money. Hey, she had made that cash the old fashioned way, by nakedly gyrating to Motley Crue's Girls, Girls, Girls and Nine Inch Nail's Closer. If that wasn't enough, she then grinded on numerous sticky crotches. Who was I to thief her stash? I'm a nice guy.



25 Comments:

Blogger Tracy said...

And you didn't insist on a thank you grind?
You ARE a nice guy.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Was this before or after the blowjob in the parking lot?

"Closer" is my stripper song. Tell that bitch to step off.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

Tell me that there was some form of complimentary lap dance associated with your niceness!

Blogger Melissa said...

I'd have angled for a lap dance in exchange for purse-sitting.

There's something seriously wrong with me, isn't there?

Blogger Tracy said...

you didn't even think to put in down your trousers and make her "feel" for it!

Blogger Al Sensu said...

Nice guys get the best treatment from strippers. It's our reward!

Is that Deja Vu on Taylor Blvd still in bidness? I went there a couple of times a bunch of years ago. I think it was the nights when they let the "3 ugly ones" dance.

Blogger M said...

Next time just mumble incoherently and throw up on her g-string and then grab her crotch. That should propel you into 'just like all the rest' status right there.

Blogger katarina said...

I'd trust you with MY stripper cash, sweetie.

Blogger Nick said...

Brooke stole my comment.

Blogger Flounder 2k7 said...

Let me guess, it was a slow night at the titty bar, right?

Dude, she was setting you up for a beatdown by the bouncers because they were bored.

Blogger wmy said...

I will let you be a dirty bad guy with me k?? Go look at my recent post, are you sure she was not one of those?!?! Just wondering! lol

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I think you're a jerk. Does that help? Also, I want to see Nick strip to "Closer."

Blogger April said...

hmmph.

and i'm a nice girl.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i second brooke and ubie.

i was just wondering this morning why girl strippers are in slo-mo to songs like closer, where as boy strippers have to flail and flop and generally bounce around to much faster music.

not sexy.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

Shit-- I wondered why that Louisville stripper I was dating wanted to delay you-- it must have been your hubcaps I was stealing....

Blogger la dolce said...

You are a nice guy!

And I hope all is going well.

Love,
your famous former vegas friend

Blogger Princess Pointful said...

I have nothing creative at all to say.
I, too, was going to make some comments about a lapdance of gratitude.
But y'all beat me to it. And here I thought I was being creative. Damn.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I too think you're a jerk for not getting a private dance for your bodyguard tendencies. I always say "No duty without the booty" .. but then again, I never get laid.

Blogger Vache Folle said...

How nice can you be, what with hanging out in titty bars and consorting with strippers? A nice guy would be volunteering at the soup kitchen or some such thing.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

AND this is why i will be marrying you this year!!!

Blogger yournamehere said...

tracy,
she was always very nice to me.

brooke,
but not that nice. Different person, a few years later.
And "Closer" is everyone's stripper song. That's why I mentioned it.

stormin,
I'd get a two for one now and then.

melissa,
I'll tell you what's wrong with you: you don't live in Louisville. Let's go to the strip club, babe.

tracy,
hadn't she suffered enough?

al,
it's true. She would get rich jerks to buy her drinks and then sit and talk to me.

john,
it's still there, although I haven't been in over a decade.

m,
that's true. I don't grab no unsolicited crotch, though.

kat,
and you should. A lap dance from you would be sweet.

nick,
she's a thief.

flounder,
actually, it was a busy Saturday night. She was sitting there for a few minutes before she went onstage.

Blogger yournamehere said...

wmy,
I want to get dirty with you. Drop me a line.

ubie,
it didn't help at all.

april,
we're perfect for each other then.

kendra,
because male strippers are horribly embarrassed to be there; whereas female strippers are horribly embarrassed to be there, but also drugged up.

johnny,
you stole my spinners, yo?

la dolce,
I need more information. I only had a few vegas friends, but they were all famous.

princess,
it's okay. It's the thought that counts.

cincy,
hey, I never get any either. Yay for us.

vache,
that's why I was there, to cultivate a bad boy image. It didn't work.

sonrisa,
you can always trust me, hot stuff.

Blogger Monkey said...

I love you.

I also love Nine Inch Nails.

it's never too late to change.

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