Wednesday, March 07, 2007
A rant about music

Michael Jackson was recently in Japan, charging people $3,500 for thirty seconds of "face time" with the former celebrity. Yeah, the news report actually said "face time". Hahahahaha. Face time with Michael Jackson is kind of like cock time with John Wayne Bobbitt; they're both disfigured messes with which no one should ever concern themselves.

I realize people have the right to spend their money any way they see fit, but I'd like to offer an exception: Wasting thirty-five hundy to gawk at a child fucker for half a minute!!! Why would anyone want to reward this pedophile? It wouldn't upset me in the least if he was ripped apart by an angry mob and fed to vultures.

I know that doesn't really count as a rant about music since Michael Jackson hasn't been musically relevant for about fifteen years, but it's a good way to anger up my blood about current "musicians" who just need to rot in the fiery pits of hell.

-That American Idol fuckspittle Chris Daughtry is coming to town with his brilliantly named band, Daughtry. A few of us at work are thinking about going so we can rush the stage and beat him like a tuneless pussy fart in front of his fans. That's how fucking tired we are of hearing his song.

It makes me chuckle heartily when someone says "He's the American Idol rocker." NO HE ISN'T. There has never been any rock on that show, and there never will be. American Idol is the antithesis of rock. If you want to like his music, fine; but if you think it's rock then there's a trough of cesspool juice where your soul should be.

-Groups of attractive, scantily clad young women rarely make me angry, but most of them aren't the Pussycat Dolls. They were fine as a burlesque troop, but then they had to start recording music. The worst is that vapid, arrogant "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" piece of shit song. Well, that depends. Is she also a brainless, self-centered bitch like you?

Are guys who are lucky enough to have a nice girlfriend really upset if she doesn't look like a Pussycat Doll? "I wish my girlfriend had a tighter body and would blow the first shiny-shirt wearing douchebag who offers her a line of coke. That would be great."

-I've never knowingly heard a song by Danity Kane, but damn that's the worst name ever. Also, they're managed by Sean Combs and were manufactured for an M-TV show, so they have to suck. They just have to. Did I mention how much I hate the name Danity Kane? It pisses me off just typing it.

-Your mission this weekend is to go out and hear an original local band or solo artist. If you live in a hellish backwater that doesn't offer live music options, buy a good CD from the internets. And destroy those motherfucking I-Pods; they're ruining music. Can't ANYONE listen to an entire forty minute CD? Is everyone an ADD third grader these days?


Blogger Tracy said...

Sexfist is an awesome band that plays ever Tuesday night at the RedLine Tap.

Welcome to Chicago's Rogers Park.
Ubie, Johnny...i'm looking at you!

Blogger miss kendra said...

sexfist sounds scary to me.

also, chris daughtry is SO unrock that he pretended to rock up a stevie wonder song, when in fact, he was just ripping it off from RHCP.

that fool.

Blogger miss kendra said...

AND it wasn't even a Bside. people know that song!

i couldn't believe when people were saying he was original.

he wasn't even a karaoke version.

Blogger Tracy said...

Sexfist also go by the name Henhouse Prowlers for the more sensitive audiences.

But they are pretty cool.

I've been really enjoying Lucinda Williams, Neko Case and Imogen Heep lately.

heehee. sounds dirty :)

Blogger Monkey said...

Oh how I missed you. "tuneless pussy fart" indeed!

Portland has an incredible music scene. For a small city, we're bursting to the seams with bars and bands. It's a good place to have ears.

Blogger April said...

--michael jackson...that anyone would pay to talk to him shows us the useless fucked society we live in.

--hey, i like daughtry! although, i totally agree he is NOT rock.

--and they even have a tv show now?? completely fucked up.


--my name is april and i'm an add third grader who lives in a hellish backwater with no live music. rescue me, please!

Blogger Princess Pointful said...

My favourite is an article I read about the Pussycat Dolls new reality TV show, where they said something like "stage presence may override vocal talent".
In other words, "casting couch" abilities may override the need for any semblance of talent.

Blogger Gwen said...

Jesus Christ, that picture scared the shit out of me.

I could feature you every week but so many things in this post win you "Best of My Blogroll" for this week.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

michael jackson is just gross looking!!! he just creeps me out!!

Blogger Brookelina said...

I would pay $3500 to see Michael Jackson - if I could kick him in the nuts and then set him on fire.

Wait, does Michael Jackson have nuts?

Blogger Cladeedah said...

Guess who I saw in concert on Saturday?

Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane were opening up for Christina Aguilera. I was there for Christina, OK? The others were exactly how you would imagine they would be in concert. Phppppt!

Blogger Sara said...

the last thing i was able to listen forty minutes straight was my new danity kane cd.

I think I speak for all ADD third graders when I say... hey, what's that over there?

Blogger yournamehere said...

sexfist? I'll bet that's a stinky room.

my admiration for you has grown now that I know you hate the daughtry. It makes up for when you didn't think I knew of tapas.

you like alt country. That's hillbillyesque for a Chicagoan.

That's a good slogan: "Portland, Maine...You'll Be Glad You Have Ears".

I'd like to rescue you. And by "rescue" I mean "shag".

that's a good set of criteria...FOR A BROTHEL!

are you talking about that picture of me I posted back in October? And it frightens you still? I'm sorry.

monkey mc,
thanks, my dear. If I end up punching daughtry in public, I might need a good lawyer.

no Michael Jackson songs will be played at our wedding.

I don't know if he has nuts, but he does catch fire rather easily.

you know, I forgot to mention this when I reviewed the Grammys because I was busy being mean, but Christina TORE UP James Brown's "It's a Man's World". She sang her little twat off. I was impressed.

I'm conflicted.

it's daughtry. Kill him.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

I don't know...

The last woman I brought home looked like one of those Pussy Cat Dolls, but was two years younger. I think I'll stick with what I've got.

Chris Daughtry is a fag.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Todd, if I was Empress of the World, you would be my court jester.

Of course, I'd be forced to decapitate you if you failed to make me laugh, but I doubt that would happen.

Blogger Penny Karma said...

Personally, I can make my puusy fart "Yankee Doodle", but that's neither here nor there.

Blogger Tracy said...

sometimes you have to squeeze in a little hillbilly for a rockin'good time.

Sonrisa, where you been???

Blogger Nick said...

I bet every one of the Dolls has to take drugs just so they can have sex without crying.

Blogger April said... deciphered the code! ;)

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

I share your feelings on the whole American Idol and how much crap music has been foisted on the public. Overall, though, ipods and itunes has been a huge boon to the little guy-- it's allowed them to go around the big music companies. My friend Carlo, whose band The Guitars of Spain plays a mix of flamenco, African and other music, has found that mp3 and other online music sites have been a big help.

And I still listen to whole albums, even on my ipod!

I'll try to make it up there on a Tuesday. The Heartland, right around the corner, was one of my hangouts years ago.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! I have always said that if you have to say someone is a "rocker" on American Idol, he is so not a rocker. That's like saying Ashely Simpson is the punk rocker of the two sisters because she has a pink shirt with the word "PUNK" in glitter.

Please do go kick that bald Yul Brenner cocksucking, cock wipe's ass!

I agree. That stupid fucking bullshit about someone wishing their girlfriend was hot like them has got to go.

I would love to listen to an entire forty-minute CD but they get all wheezy and temperamental when you take them in the pool with you. Thus the iPod in it's waterproof case.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Nice shiny shirt, douchebag.


Blogger Md. Macaca said...

OMG.. is that pic of MJ legit? Not photoshopped? He looks worse with each passing year. I thought that mug shot they had of him a few years ago was gross, but this is even worse. Ick.

Remember the late 80s when he was talented/successful/kinda cute? Talk about decline.

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