Friday, June 08, 2007
How Does the Third World Feel About Restless Leg Syndrome?
I realized the other day that as a blogger, I need to do more hard hitting investigative journalism. So far, in over two years all you've gotten from me is my observation that saline implants feel real but are sort of cold to the touch. That's not exactly 60 Minutes type information.

So I decided to ask Third World residents how they feel about Restless Leg Syndrome, the Malaria of the overprivileged. The respondents shall remain anonymous, sort of to protect their identities but mainly because their names are really hard to spell.

A twenty-four-year-old man from Bosnia said "My legs were blown off by a land mine. I would sell my soul to have restless legs."

A young lady from Somalia replied "My legs are strong from running away from those who would ritually circumcise my clitoris. And the rapists, of which there are many."

"My bones are brittle from a lack of calcium," an Ethiopian man, age unknown, stated. "Do you have any milk that hasn't been poisoned?"

Those are the only unique answers. All other responses were a variant of "What the fuck are you talking about? What is this restless leg shit?" Nearly half added "Death to America, pig."

This is the first in a series. In the future I'll be asking the questions:

How Do the Morbidly Obese Feel About People Who "Can't Seem to Lose Those Last Five Pounds"?

How Do Soldiers on Their Fourth Tour of Duty in Iraq Feel About "Staying the Course"?

How Does Edward James Olmos Feel About Kids Who Get a Pimple on Prom Night?

I only hope these future investigations are as informative as this one.


Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

A bat just tried to kill me.

Blogger brookelina said...

Don't forget to ask them to sign the "Free Paris" petition.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I love you.

Blogger Crackah Nonsense said...

You know, growing up around you, you'd think I'd be immune to your often surprising and incredibly creative wit, but the Olmos comment just made me spit iced tea all over my screen. Damn you, sir.

Blogger Nick said...

Fuck Edward James Olmos.

Blogger Steph said...

That's why I come here. For all the hard hitting journalistic type posts....oh and the fake boob stuff too.

Blogger Blonde said...

I loathe people that bitch about not being able to lose "the last 5 pounds"...they are up there with the cunt hairs that "can't gain weight no matter how much I eat"...Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Blogger Kikhwa said...

LMAO@ the EJOlamos jab. Someone was watching the Alma Awards last week.

Blogger Flounder said...

If Edward James Almos would just lose those last five pounds, he'd be able to take on a fifth tour in Iraq!

BTW - My wife has the jiggy leg.

Blogger Nick said...

you should work for 60 minutes or 20/20 or 48 hours or one of those numbers shows.

Blogger yournamehere said...

good thing your husband and his trusty shovel were close by.

I'm sure she's at the top of their list of concerns.

not as much as I love you.

at least you weren't drinking a corrosive acid; that would have damaged the screen.

is this a Battlestar Galactica-inspired comment?

wait until my series of hard-hitting interviews with men who've lost eyes to hard silicone implants.

they should try not forcing themselves to vomit immediately afterward.

when Neil Armstrong met Mr. Olmos, he put an American flag in his face. That's all I'm sayin'...

I knew there'd be a reader with a loved one who suffered from this ailment I so casually mocked. Damn it.

I used to work for 60 Minutes, but I was sexually harassed by Morley Safer.

Blogger Flounder said...

Actually, I'm the one who suffers from it. She kicks me all night long.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i'm sad i missed this post.

Blogger Princess Pointful said...

That is all.

Now excuse me, my irritatingly restless legs are shaking my laptop. I'm off to take a little Vicodin.

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