There's a stupid old man who comes into the liquor store once a week and gets all attitudey with me because we never have the strawberry daiquiri wine coolers he loves so much. First of all, no one who's old enough to legally drink alcohol should EVER be caught with a strawberry daiquiri wine cooler in his possession. Strawberry daiquiri wine coolers are what sophomores in high school have their older brothers buy for them so they can get freshmen girls drunk and maybe get a linen closet handie at some weekend party. Old men are supposed to drink cheap vodka or a blended whiskey of ill-repute. Those are the rules, Gramps.
Also, this old piece of shit wears a bandanna on his head, like he's Deion Sanders at Florida State. I don't need a hard time from some guy who no longer has solid bowel movements but feels the need to dress like Captain Jack Sparrow. Even though I tell him every week "We order that product every Thursday. Every Friday the distributor says they're out of it," he insists on being a complete and utter prick.
My solution is simple. Tomorrow, on my day off, I'm going to scour this city until I find the strawberry daiquiri coolers he so desires. If I find them, I'm going to buy one bottle out of the four pack. Stores don't like it when you do this, but fuck 'em; it happens to us all the time. Then on Friday before work I'm going to lube up that little bottle and shove it up my own ass. Yes, it will be quite unpleasant, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Finally, after carrying this uncomfortable piece of glass up my ass, the old bastard will yell at me for being out of the strawberry daiquiri coolers and I can literally PULL ONE OUT OF MY ASS FOR HIM! "Here you go, fucker. Wipe off the corn and peanuts and it'll be as good as new."
Also, this old piece of shit wears a bandanna on his head, like he's Deion Sanders at Florida State. I don't need a hard time from some guy who no longer has solid bowel movements but feels the need to dress like Captain Jack Sparrow. Even though I tell him every week "We order that product every Thursday. Every Friday the distributor says they're out of it," he insists on being a complete and utter prick.
My solution is simple. Tomorrow, on my day off, I'm going to scour this city until I find the strawberry daiquiri coolers he so desires. If I find them, I'm going to buy one bottle out of the four pack. Stores don't like it when you do this, but fuck 'em; it happens to us all the time. Then on Friday before work I'm going to lube up that little bottle and shove it up my own ass. Yes, it will be quite unpleasant, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Finally, after carrying this uncomfortable piece of glass up my ass, the old bastard will yell at me for being out of the strawberry daiquiri coolers and I can literally PULL ONE OUT OF MY ASS FOR HIM! "Here you go, fucker. Wipe off the corn and peanuts and it'll be as good as new."
17 Comments:
I didn't even know they made strawberry daiquiri wine coolers!
Can you hook me up with some?
this makes me want to cry.
okay, that's just gross. lol.
While Steph has clearly said what needs to be said, might I suggest you offer him some "Old Grandad" bourbon?
Mmm, peanuts.
Oooooh T, I didn't know you were into the kinky stuff...
;)
Was about to ask what a linen closet handie was, but I think I figured it out. Memories of my own wine cooler days may have helped.
do they carry Boones Farm APple wine?
Corn and peanuts! Damn!
Here is a better idea:
Find a store that sells them and take a picture of them. Then, when he comes in, give him the picture and the address of the store that sells them and send him on his merry way.
This solves two problems: The old man is gone, forever. And you don't have to endure anal intrusion of the highest order.
That's giving til it hurts everyone!
good thing i wasn't DRINKING a wine cooler myself of i would have spit it on my keyboard. TOO FRIGGIN FUNNY.
here via Dr. M.
Couldn't you just put down your pants and not have to cram it up your cramhole?
that is just way too much imagery for my poor brain to wrap itself around.
Impress us - Unscrew the cap too!
I'm not sure if I just threw up from laughing so hard or from thinking about the corn and peanuts.
Either way, awesome.
That would be AWESOME.
Crystal made me gavomit.
Post a Comment
<< Home