Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Now that's customer service!
There's a stupid old man who comes into the liquor store once a week and gets all attitudey with me because we never have the strawberry daiquiri wine coolers he loves so much. First of all, no one who's old enough to legally drink alcohol should EVER be caught with a strawberry daiquiri wine cooler in his possession. Strawberry daiquiri wine coolers are what sophomores in high school have their older brothers buy for them so they can get freshmen girls drunk and maybe get a linen closet handie at some weekend party. Old men are supposed to drink cheap vodka or a blended whiskey of ill-repute. Those are the rules, Gramps.

Also, this old piece of shit wears a bandanna on his head, like he's Deion Sanders at Florida State. I don't need a hard time from some guy who no longer has solid bowel movements but feels the need to dress like Captain Jack Sparrow. Even though I tell him every week "We order that product every Thursday. Every Friday the distributor says they're out of it," he insists on being a complete and utter prick.

My solution is simple. Tomorrow, on my day off, I'm going to scour this city until I find the strawberry daiquiri coolers he so desires. If I find them, I'm going to buy one bottle out of the four pack. Stores don't like it when you do this, but fuck 'em; it happens to us all the time. Then on Friday before work I'm going to lube up that little bottle and shove it up my own ass. Yes, it will be quite unpleasant, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Finally, after carrying this uncomfortable piece of glass up my ass, the old bastard will yell at me for being out of the strawberry daiquiri coolers and I can literally PULL ONE OUT OF MY ASS FOR HIM! "Here you go, fucker. Wipe off the corn and peanuts and it'll be as good as new."


20 Comments:

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I didn't even know they made strawberry daiquiri wine coolers!

Can you hook me up with some?

Blogger miss kendra said...

this makes me want to cry.

Blogger Kate said...

okay, that's just gross. lol.

Blogger Doola! said...

It's not often that sticking a bottle up your ass could possibly be worth the discomfort and misery...but that's got to be one occasion that qualifies.

Blogger Steph said...

lmao! You are one sick, twisted fucker!

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

While Steph has clearly said what needs to be said, might I suggest you offer him some "Old Grandad" bourbon?

Blogger Crystal said...

Mmm, peanuts.

Blogger Rachel said...

Oooooh T, I didn't know you were into the kinky stuff...


;)

Blogger Melissa said...

Was about to ask what a linen closet handie was, but I think I figured it out. Memories of my own wine cooler days may have helped.

Blogger Distributorcap said...

do they carry Boones Farm APple wine?

Blogger PJ said...

Corn and peanuts! Damn!

Blogger Scarlet Flounder said...

Here is a better idea:

Find a store that sells them and take a picture of them. Then, when he comes in, give him the picture and the address of the store that sells them and send him on his merry way.

This solves two problems: The old man is gone, forever. And you don't have to endure anal intrusion of the highest order.

Blogger Dale said...

That's giving til it hurts everyone!

Blogger NotSoccer Mom said...

good thing i wasn't DRINKING a wine cooler myself of i would have spit it on my keyboard. TOO FRIGGIN FUNNY.

here via Dr. M.

Couldn't you just put down your pants and not have to cram it up your cramhole?

Blogger Tracy said...

that is just way too much imagery for my poor brain to wrap itself around.

Impress us - Unscrew the cap too!

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I'm not sure if I just threw up from laughing so hard or from thinking about the corn and peanuts.

Either way, awesome.

Blogger Liv said...

That would be AWESOME.

Blogger Nick said...

Crystal made me gavomit.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

HAHAHAHAHA...

Knowing what your job is, and mine happens to be, I feel for you immensely. Those idiots will never go away. And if the Cooler is Seagrams, good luck with that. They just got bought and are having major supply issues.

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