Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Sore Winner
Yesterday Democrat Steve Beshear defeated incumbent indicted criminal Ernie Fletcher to become Kentucky's latest governor, or HHIC (Head Hillbilly in Charge).

During his acceptance speech, Beshear graciously reached out to all Kentuckians, saying that we all need to work together blah blah. "Extending the olive branch" to political foes is a common theme of acceptance speeches, and I for one am sick of the pandering. If I was ever elected Governor of the Commonwealth of Kentucky, I'd use my speech to serve notice to my enemies that vengeance is nigh. It would go a little something like this:

"According to the media I'm going to get about sixty percent of the vote. In political terms, that's something of a landslide and I appreciate the support I've received throughout the state. However, that leaves forty percent of the voters who supported my opponent, a man who spent the past year saying horrible things about me and the beliefs I hold dear. To them, I issue a big heartfelt FUCK YOU! First of all, you're on the losing team, losers; so congratulations on that. Also, don't think we don't know how you voted. Do you really think the ballots are secret? Naive fools!

"Supporters of my disgraced opponent, rest assured that I'm going to spend my every waking moment as governor seeing that the rest of your time on earth is a living hell. I will raise YOUR taxes exclusively while lowering the burden on those who voted for me. And since I don't want to waste the state's precious resources on people who hate me, your children aren't allowed to go to our schools and you are forbidden from driving on our roads. Finally, I'm going to randomly pick forty children of my political enemies and force them to toil in a makeshift sweatshop we're creating in the basement of the Governor's mansion. There, they will work fifteen-hour days cutting and sewing material to make my big and tall suits.

"Oh, there will be more hardships you'll have to endure. I'm sure I'll think of them when I'm sober. And now members of Howard Stern's Wack Pack will fart My Old Kentucky Home."

Do I have your vote?




10 Comments:

Blogger Jo said...

You're insane, but I'll vote for you anyways.

Blogger GiveEmHellHarry said...

Did you take this verbatim from Schwarzenegger's victory speech? It sounds so damned familiar.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

In Jersey they just have them whacked.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

you should include a victory dance.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

I may move to Kentucky just to vote for you.

Yes, I'm (almost) willing to make that kind of sacrifice.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

you should totally run for office. give the masses Makers Mark, that will win you votes for sure!

Blogger miss kendra said...

"Finally, I'm going to randomly pick forty children of my political enemies and force them to toil in a makeshift sweatshop we're creating in the basement of the Governor's mansion. There, they will work fifteen-hour days cutting and sewing material to make my big and tall suits."

HAHAHAHAHHA

You should also kill their family pets.

Blogger yournamehere said...

jo,
thanks for the vote of confidence.

giveemhell,
no, there are complete sentences in my speech.

scarbro,
you can't whack your tax base.

ubie,
will you choreograph said dance?

ian,
don't you live near Branson? How much of a sacrifice would it be?

cold hands,
I'll give some people Makers. The rest get blended whiskey.

kendra,
it is a dream of mine to have a group of people at my beck and call to make my clothes. But in reality, I'd use midgets instead of children.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

well that's no way to win votes! I scoff at your blended suggestion

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer