Have you seen the latest bullshit beer commercial that makes me wish I hated televised sporting events?
In said commercial, a couple of no-taste-having motherfuckers are sitting in a bar drinking Chill, a horrible barley-abortion from the swill merchants at Miller, when they catch the eye of a table of attractive yet tastebudless women, who are lured by the siren's call of watered down toilet water with a "hint of lime and salt" (That's a fucking tortilla chip, not a beer!). The girls pull their chairs up to the guys' table, which starts a chain reaction of everyone in the establishment joining them, seemingly unable to resist a glorified wine cooler with an advertising budget that could feed the starving children of the world a thousand times over.
But wait, there's more! Neighborhood residents and passers-by notice the crowd downing the overhyped cesspool brine, and they just have to get in on it, man! They start stealing chairs from other bars and restaurants (probably a few of which have a good draft beer list) and even presumably breaking into nearby apartments. Soon dozens of people are brought together by the stunningly effective combination of unflinching gullibility and a slavish devotion to mediocrity. Then, I assume, Dane Cook walks into the room with enough Taco Bell for everyone and they take turns blowing him while eating something "melty".
Could this happen in real life? Is Miller Chill the answer? Will this bring us all together as a nation, as a world? "Hell, I was gonna shoot that abortion doctor," Jimmy Fred Bodeen told the Associated Press, "but instead we shared a sixer of Miller Chill." IT COULD HAPPEN!
It could even go beyond that. I'm thinking BIG here. Perhaps the Arabs and Israelis have ONE thing in common, the hatred of having to squeeze a lime into a bottle of shitty beer. Miller Chill could lead to peace in the Middle East.
If that's the case, lovers of garbage, you'd better get one before Dick Cheney takes them off the market.