Monday, October 29, 2007
Can "White Trash Corona" Save the World?

Have you seen the latest bullshit beer commercial that makes me wish I hated televised sporting events?

In said commercial, a couple of no-taste-having motherfuckers are sitting in a bar drinking Chill, a horrible barley-abortion from the swill merchants at Miller, when they catch the eye of a table of attractive yet tastebudless women, who are lured by the siren's call of watered down toilet water with a "hint of lime and salt" (That's a fucking tortilla chip, not a beer!). The girls pull their chairs up to the guys' table, which starts a chain reaction of everyone in the establishment joining them, seemingly unable to resist a glorified wine cooler with an advertising budget that could feed the starving children of the world a thousand times over.

But wait, there's more! Neighborhood residents and passers-by notice the crowd downing the overhyped cesspool brine, and they just have to get in on it, man! They start stealing chairs from other bars and restaurants (probably a few of which have a good draft beer list) and even presumably breaking into nearby apartments. Soon dozens of people are brought together by the stunningly effective combination of unflinching gullibility and a slavish devotion to mediocrity. Then, I assume, Dane Cook walks into the room with enough Taco Bell for everyone and they take turns blowing him while eating something "melty".

Could this happen in real life? Is Miller Chill the answer? Will this bring us all together as a nation, as a world? "Hell, I was gonna shoot that abortion doctor," Jimmy Fred Bodeen told the Associated Press, "but instead we shared a sixer of Miller Chill." IT COULD HAPPEN!

It could even go beyond that. I'm thinking BIG here. Perhaps the Arabs and Israelis have ONE thing in common, the hatred of having to squeeze a lime into a bottle of shitty beer. Miller Chill could lead to peace in the Middle East.

If that's the case, lovers of garbage, you'd better get one before Dick Cheney takes them off the market.


19 Comments:

Blogger tiff said...

Horrifical beyond horror.

Lime and salt BEER??? Guh-ross.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I knew a market existed for my pee after I took my multi-vitamin!

Blogger yourflounderhere said...

I saw that abomination in my local Hooters a few weeks ago. (Chill, not Dane Cook.) I began thinking to myself how good this beverage would compliment absolutely nothing.

Glad to see that I wasn't alone.

I had one of those and it nearly made me wretch. Pure crap. One redeeming quality is that it is better than Falls City. Then again, so is the juice you can sqeeze out of an elephant turd.........

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I hear it's Jessica Alba's favorite drink.

Blogger miss kendra said...

ummmm. have you seen "chelada?"

Blogger Tits McGee said...

You totally just made me spit out my beer laughing, Kendra.

The beer, for the record, is a Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA and it's fucking delicious.

Blogger Steph said...

As someone who works in media marketing i think it's fucking top notch!

i wish I had thought of it!

Blogger Jo said...

It was always impossible for me to keep the sneer off my face when someone at my restaurant requested a Miller Chill. I'd say, "No, we don't have that. But we've several real beers here you could try."

Blogger Übermilf said...

They're just vying for the coveted Zima market segment.

Blogger Nick said...

I love Miller® Chill© and all other fine Miller® products.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

Mmmmmm.... I'm thirsty now.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Chill is fresh! It's hip! It's phat! It's emo! It's scene! It's...CHILL!

[Cut to Brian Doyle-Murray crossing his arms gangsta-style]

So it's a beer that's supposed to taste like a tortilla chip?? Seriously?

Preferred by 10 out of 10 frat boy douchebags.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

That shit is lower than swill.

But it is an import... Miller is South African now.

Blogger yournamehere said...

tiff,
it is horrible.

ubie,
damn, you must pee a lot.

flounder,
it compliments someone with dead pieces of flesh where taste buds should be.

vast,
they stopped making Falls City and people complain about it! It just amazes me.

scarlet,
and this is the way you use your extended blogging break?

kendra,
I'm going to puke.

tits,
we have Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA on tap at work. And the Dogfish "Punkin" Ale. We're all about the Dogfish.

steph,
stop being so practical! It's blasphemy to the gods of beer.

jo,
it's beer for people who hate beer.

ubie,
buying Zima is a red flag for a possible fake ID, because no one old enough to legally drink can stand that shit.

nick,
you whore!!!

cold hands,
no you aren't.

ian,
if you move to Australia, I'm sure steph can get you a job in marketing.

monkey mc,
I can't wait for the beer that tastes like deep dish pizza.

monkerstein,
in all fairness, I think Bud Light is still the frat boy swill of choice, but their underage girlfriends LOVE the Chill.

stormin',
I guess they're still practicing apartheid when it comes to good taste.

Blogger 新年快樂 said...
Blogger 新年快樂 said...

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