Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Hey Santa...don't be such a dick.

Hey, it's Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Hermey, the elf who wants to be a dentist! If you're like me (and for your sake I hope to God you aren't), just the sight of these characters puts a smile on your face.

I love this annual Rankin/Bass stop-motion animation special. There are dozens of memorable characters, but in the spirit of this blog, let's focus our attention on the real assholes. And I'm not talking about the obvious villains, but beings who casually treat those around them like complete shit.

Comet, the Reindeer Games Coach
This typical jock asshole makes his case for Douche of the Century by announcing "And we're not going to let Rudolph join in any reindeer games, right gang?" as soon as he realizes that Rudolph is *gasp* different. Rather than behave like a genuine adult role model, he joins the mob to remain popular. He's probably a closet molester.

Fireball the Aryan Reindeer
Remember Fireball, the buck who initially befriends Rudolph only to betray him minutes later? He's memorable not only for his Judasesque behavior but also his shock of blond hair. Hey, a reindeer with a blond clump on his head is as freakish as a reindeer with a glowing nose, so he should have shown some compassion, the douchebag.

Donner, Rudolph's Dad
For being one of Santa's original eight reindeer, Donner sure was a spineless nancy-buck. First of all, he should have kicked Comet's ass for ostracizing his kid. Also, some may say it was very pro-feminism of him to lounge around at home while his wife risked her life to find their runaway son, but I say it makes him a giant pussy. They could have gone together, at least.

Unnamed Elf Foreman
The portly pixie with the goatee made Hermey's life a virtual hell. The typical incompetent, surly middle-manager, he didn't understand why anyone would aspire to more than seasonal slave labor. Of course, his behavior may be explained by how he was treated by the final person on this list....

Santa Claus
The writers for Rankin/Bass made the odd but compelling choice to depict Santa Claus as a complete and utter prick. This dude, surprisingly thin until his put-upon wife (who has an accent unlike any of the other characters, suggesting a mail-order bride situation) fattens him up for the season, is unpleasant to everyone. He cruelly dismisses the Elf song they worked on for weeks, is short with his spouse, and more or less tells Donner that his son is a freak who should be hidden from polite society. Of course, when bad weather kicks in on Christmas Eve -and who would have predicted bad weather at the North Pole- he begs the freak for help to save his ass. I wanted to see Yukon Cornelius put his pick axe in Santa's skull.


Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Next post: Frosty the Snowman was a bigot.

Blogger miss kendra said...

whenever i hear anything about donner i always think of cannibals, so you can add that to your argument next time.

Yukon Cornelius is awesome!

Blogger flounder said...

Do you have any thoughts on Heatmiser?

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

My dad hated that special and claimed it was blatant Capitalist propaganda:

1. "Red" is bad
2. Emphasis on "silver and gold"
3. Conformity is king
4. The bumble is "reformed" only when he "wants a job"
5. The "this is men's work" comment
6. The whole elf culture

He also felt that Santa was a jack-booted thug. So, I guess you're like my dad.

Blogger Hot Lemon said...

thank yew, thank yew, for public-lee saying what I've muttered over for YEARS!!

Yarr, matey!!

Dear Gods,

This year for Christmas I would like Todd to get a newspaper column.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always loved the fact that Donner told his wife that she and the little doe couldn't go with him to search for Rudolph because it was "man's work". It sounds like Donner likes his woman in their place.

A few friends and I discussed this last week. Rudolph, and the one with the Baby New Year, spend a good 55 minutes telling kids you should shun and make fun of those who are different and takes 5 minutes saying "on second thought, they're okay". Good stuff for the kids.

Blogger Rick said...

Yes, Yes, Yes. It always got me the way Santa himself told Donner how disapointed he was in Donner! And then saying that it was too bad that he was such a good flyer too.

Haha, I was just watching this yesterday thinking- Damn isn't this the most sexist movie ever? (Okay probably not ever but close...)

"They knew it was time to go and bring the women home" was a very memorable line for me. :)-

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