Last Thursday night a man walked into our store with what appeared to be a wrestling title belt slung over his shoulder. Yes, you read that correctly: Wrestling. Title. Belt.
The "champ" quickly grabbed a bottle of Jagermeister or something equally white trash and approached the checkout lanes. One of our cashiers asked the guy very matter-of-factly "Did you win some sort of wrestling championship tonight?"
"Nah," the guy grunted in reply.
The cashier persisted: "Are you a wrestler?"
Once again the answer was "Nah." No further explanation was given as to why this man was adorned with something from Hulk Hogan's trophy case.
I didn't say a word the entire time. I've worked retail for so long I no longer react to human oddities, least of all a strange accessory. I've seen every fashion atrocity known to man and beast. Five hundred pound man/woman in a tank top? Check. A t-shirt which depicts the murder of the Lindberg baby in day glo tye dye? *yawn* A denim jacket "bedazzled" with rhinestones in the pattern of a nativity scene? Old hat.
When I worked at Organized Living I designed a $10,000 closet for a middle-aged couple who wore slinky-eye glasses the entire time. They were very serious about maximizing their storage space, and they had the money to drop ten gurr on shelving, but those stupid fucking glasses never came off. And I didn't once acknowledge them.
Oh, I'll admit that every once in a while a stupid hat will really anger me. I have this thing about really stupid hats. I saw one today that resembled a miniature bean bag chair on some lump's head, and I wanted to rip it off his noggin and run to the back to fill it with my excrement. But I never react outwardly. I refuse to give them the satisfaction.
The "champ" quickly grabbed a bottle of Jagermeister or something equally white trash and approached the checkout lanes. One of our cashiers asked the guy very matter-of-factly "Did you win some sort of wrestling championship tonight?"
"Nah," the guy grunted in reply.
The cashier persisted: "Are you a wrestler?"
Once again the answer was "Nah." No further explanation was given as to why this man was adorned with something from Hulk Hogan's trophy case.
I didn't say a word the entire time. I've worked retail for so long I no longer react to human oddities, least of all a strange accessory. I've seen every fashion atrocity known to man and beast. Five hundred pound man/woman in a tank top? Check. A t-shirt which depicts the murder of the Lindberg baby in day glo tye dye? *yawn* A denim jacket "bedazzled" with rhinestones in the pattern of a nativity scene? Old hat.
When I worked at Organized Living I designed a $10,000 closet for a middle-aged couple who wore slinky-eye glasses the entire time. They were very serious about maximizing their storage space, and they had the money to drop ten gurr on shelving, but those stupid fucking glasses never came off. And I didn't once acknowledge them.
Oh, I'll admit that every once in a while a stupid hat will really anger me. I have this thing about really stupid hats. I saw one today that resembled a miniature bean bag chair on some lump's head, and I wanted to rip it off his noggin and run to the back to fill it with my excrement. But I never react outwardly. I refuse to give them the satisfaction.
14 Comments:
Thursday at my school is silly hat day. I kid you not. Wanna come?
god i love silly hat days. i used to have a giant foam lobster hat.
todd, i think you're not going to get any sympathy here..
Slinky eye glasses? Are you fucking kidding me? That is f'ing hilarious.
If you keep the airbrushed "Todd" foam truckers hat I gave you 20 years ago another 20, it will be cool again!
I want baby jesus bedazzled gear!
You got some strange people down there. How do you NOT ackowledge slinky glasses? I would think the bouncing eyeballs would be such an enormous distraction. And you probably totally disappointed them. They think you have no sense of humour you know. They go: remember that day we planned our closet and that guy couldn't even crack a smile? Who does that? Some people are so strange....
I would read a novel about a year in the life of a liquor store.
Seriously.
Not so much retail but I like to go into the Sandwich shops in August and ask for a cup of soup. They never keep quiet when they snicker and inform me that "We don't have any SOUP because no one wants soup when it's 95 degrees outside." Except for me that is, nobody except for me. :(
I want to make a Mr. Potato Head hat our of Jay-Z's skull.
i love that you didn't say anything.
one time i went in fora quick outpatient surgery thing in full face paint. they didn't say anything about that either.
The only time I ever chastised anyone for headgear was the night a trumpet-player friend of mine showed up to the gig in what I took to be a terry-cloth pith-helmet.
We all have to draw a line somewhere, dammit.
people scare me.
That is fucking brilliant. Wrestling title belts are totally my new accessory.
Whenever my son and I go to the "hip" video store in Klingon headpieces/wigs, the employees there always play it cool. They haven't said anything yet.
Yeah, that one is a yawner. But the eyeball glasses? How could you stand it?
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