It's about time for Obama and McCain to pick their running mates, and being such a good citizen and all I've decided to help them make their decisions.
Barack Obama
I was unsure about this one. I want Obama to pick Al Gore, but there's no way in hell Al wants to be vice president again. In eight years I'm sure he went to enough dignitary's funerals to last a lifetime. Hillary's supporters want her to be selected, of course, but don't count on it. Obama doesn't want Bill running around the White House, raiding his 'fridge and banging his interns. That might make for a mildly amusing movie starring Owen Wilson as Bill, but it won't work in real life.
As for John Edwards, he needs to join John Kerry in a little town called Historical Footnoteville. Why do we want to remind anyone of 2004, when we had a chance to stop the Bush disaster and fucking dropped the ball? Jesus, just run the corpse of Lloyd Benson. At the very least, hilarious Weekend at Bernie's-style hijinks will ensue.
Then I got my inspiration from John, who recently called Robert DeNiro a "fucking whiny-ass LIBERAL". Hey, DeNiro is a liberal, and he'd be perfect for the Democrats. Americans, being kind of stupid, love them some celebrities, and DeNiro is A-List, baby! Since those vapid twats from The Hills are too young to serve, I propose an Obama/DeNiro ticket.
McCain
I've thought about this for a long time, and I know who would be perfect for McCain and the Republicans: John Ramsey, father of the late JonBenet Ramsey. Why? Well, nominating John Ramsey would lock down the overlooked "Guys who murdered their children and got away with it" demographic. And besides, I want McCain to lose, and lose badly.
Hey, I don't hate McCain. In fact, I loved him in 2000 when he told everyone who'd listen that George W. Bush was a spoiled piece of shit who ran a dirty campaign; but that probably had more to do with my hatred of Bush than anything else.
I'll give McCain credit, though. When he was a POW the Viet Cong offered to let him go because his father was an Admiral and they wanted the publicity of releasing a high profile prisoner. McCain refused unless all of the Americans were released. That didn't happen, of course, and his captors then took to beating the scrapple out of him on a regular basis.
Man, I would have been gone! "Hey, Admiral Dad, send a luxury liner to pick my ass up. And stock it full of booze and women if you don't mind."
But then he got home, discovered his wife had been in a horrible car accident, and divorced her soon afterward. Hmmmmmm. No one knows what goes on between two married people in the privacy of their home, so maybe McCain happened to decide he didn't like her personality at the same time she was disfigured and maimed. Hey, it could have happened that way. No, really.
A lot has been made of the horrible things Obama's now-ex pastor said, but Chris Matthews and Tim Russert and the so-called "liberal media", who DEMANDED that Obama apologize for everything Rev. Wright ever said, have never asked McCain to apologize for actively seeking and happily accepting the endorsement of fundamentalist nutcase John Hagee. Here are a few chestnuts from John Hagee:
"I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that."
Wow, there's a sin cut-off regarding God's forgiveness? You mean all of that "God forgives all" stuff I learned in Sunday School was just a bunch of horseshit? And what exactly is an unacceptable level of sin? I'll bet Las Vegas is pretty close, in which case I want my brother and sister-in-law to evacuate immediately, before God smites their adopted hometown.
And in case his quote wasn't clear enough, how about this one:
"I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans."
Thanks for clearing that up for us, crazy person.
This one is my personal favorite:
"The End Times -- Rapture -- is imminent and the U.S. Government must do what it can to hasten it."
I'm pretty sure almost everyone would agree that the government's MAIN FUNCTION is to prevent the end of times, not hasten it!
No, I don't think John McCain believes the role of the U.S. Government is to end all life on this planet. I'm just saying that the 2000 version of McCain would have told this guy to go fuck his robe.
In closing, I just hope that come November when you go to the polls and are faced with the choice of Obama/Deniro or McCain/Ramsey, you'll remember that DeNiro was really fucking good in Raging Bull. Oh, and that John Ramsey strangled his child and is still a free man.
Stay tuned for more unbiased election coverage.
Barack Obama
I was unsure about this one. I want Obama to pick Al Gore, but there's no way in hell Al wants to be vice president again. In eight years I'm sure he went to enough dignitary's funerals to last a lifetime. Hillary's supporters want her to be selected, of course, but don't count on it. Obama doesn't want Bill running around the White House, raiding his 'fridge and banging his interns. That might make for a mildly amusing movie starring Owen Wilson as Bill, but it won't work in real life.
As for John Edwards, he needs to join John Kerry in a little town called Historical Footnoteville. Why do we want to remind anyone of 2004, when we had a chance to stop the Bush disaster and fucking dropped the ball? Jesus, just run the corpse of Lloyd Benson. At the very least, hilarious Weekend at Bernie's-style hijinks will ensue.
Then I got my inspiration from John, who recently called Robert DeNiro a "fucking whiny-ass LIBERAL". Hey, DeNiro is a liberal, and he'd be perfect for the Democrats. Americans, being kind of stupid, love them some celebrities, and DeNiro is A-List, baby! Since those vapid twats from The Hills are too young to serve, I propose an Obama/DeNiro ticket.
McCain
I've thought about this for a long time, and I know who would be perfect for McCain and the Republicans: John Ramsey, father of the late JonBenet Ramsey. Why? Well, nominating John Ramsey would lock down the overlooked "Guys who murdered their children and got away with it" demographic. And besides, I want McCain to lose, and lose badly.
Hey, I don't hate McCain. In fact, I loved him in 2000 when he told everyone who'd listen that George W. Bush was a spoiled piece of shit who ran a dirty campaign; but that probably had more to do with my hatred of Bush than anything else.
I'll give McCain credit, though. When he was a POW the Viet Cong offered to let him go because his father was an Admiral and they wanted the publicity of releasing a high profile prisoner. McCain refused unless all of the Americans were released. That didn't happen, of course, and his captors then took to beating the scrapple out of him on a regular basis.
Man, I would have been gone! "Hey, Admiral Dad, send a luxury liner to pick my ass up. And stock it full of booze and women if you don't mind."
But then he got home, discovered his wife had been in a horrible car accident, and divorced her soon afterward. Hmmmmmm. No one knows what goes on between two married people in the privacy of their home, so maybe McCain happened to decide he didn't like her personality at the same time she was disfigured and maimed. Hey, it could have happened that way. No, really.
A lot has been made of the horrible things Obama's now-ex pastor said, but Chris Matthews and Tim Russert and the so-called "liberal media", who DEMANDED that Obama apologize for everything Rev. Wright ever said, have never asked McCain to apologize for actively seeking and happily accepting the endorsement of fundamentalist nutcase John Hagee. Here are a few chestnuts from John Hagee:
"I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that."
Wow, there's a sin cut-off regarding God's forgiveness? You mean all of that "God forgives all" stuff I learned in Sunday School was just a bunch of horseshit? And what exactly is an unacceptable level of sin? I'll bet Las Vegas is pretty close, in which case I want my brother and sister-in-law to evacuate immediately, before God smites their adopted hometown.
And in case his quote wasn't clear enough, how about this one:
"I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans."
Thanks for clearing that up for us, crazy person.
This one is my personal favorite:
"The End Times -- Rapture -- is imminent and the U.S. Government must do what it can to hasten it."
I'm pretty sure almost everyone would agree that the government's MAIN FUNCTION is to prevent the end of times, not hasten it!
No, I don't think John McCain believes the role of the U.S. Government is to end all life on this planet. I'm just saying that the 2000 version of McCain would have told this guy to go fuck his robe.
In closing, I just hope that come November when you go to the polls and are faced with the choice of Obama/Deniro or McCain/Ramsey, you'll remember that DeNiro was really fucking good in Raging Bull. Oh, and that John Ramsey strangled his child and is still a free man.
Stay tuned for more unbiased election coverage.
12 Comments:
And the race for the lesser of two evils begins yet again.
I think Obama should pick Stuart Smalley as a running mate. I like the idea of an income redistributor and a brazen tax cheat on the same ticket.
I don't know... if we get another 4 to 8 years of Bushie policies, the end of the world won't look so bad.
hahahahaha. I wish I had a more poignant response but my laughter is standing in the way of my vocabulary receptors or something. hahaha!
You mean all of that "God forgives all" stuff I learned in Sunday School was just a bunch of horseshit?
Not that I agree with Hagee, but it seems that your Sunday School forgot to teach you about Sodom and Gomorroah.
And Deniro would be a great VP if he had Pesci as his Secretary of Defense.
Maybe Todd is thinking about the part where Jesus brought a new covenant, where He sacrificed to expiate the sins of mankind.
Unless Hagee isn't Christian...
Ubes - He did, but only for those who ask for forgiveness.
Flounder,
Do you have to say "Pretty please with sugar on top"?
And although I know about Sodom and Gomorroah I didn't learn it in Sunday School. My Sunday School teachers took the novel approach of NOT wanting to scare children by presenting God as a murderous boogeyman.
Well shame on them!
Shit is the new quality eh? So there's now a department at the big conglomerates called S & A? I can surmise what the A is going to be now...
I like the part in Sodom and Gomorrah where Lot offers the villagers the chance to rape his virgin daughters instead of committing homosexual acts. There's some good family values!
No fair, Brooke. You actually READ the story instead of just quoting what you heard from some televangelist.
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