My Interview With Hillary Clinton

I was quite excited when Senator Hillary Clinton agreed to be interviewed by the Death Wore a Feathered Mullet news team.

DWAFM
Let me start by saying it's a real honor to talk to you. I've been a fan since that "vast right wing conspiracy" quote.

Senator Clinton
And I've enjoyed your work since that post about getting blown by a stripper behind a dumpster. The whole sordid affair reminded me of Bill in his younger days. Uh...and Bill about a month ago.

DWAFM
Where do you get your pant suits?

Senator Clinton
Thrift stores, garage sales, swap meets, flea markets; anywhere unflattering garments are sold.

DWAFM
In the picture of you that we're running on the blog, there's a photograph of a man hanging on the front of the podium. Who is he?

Senator Clinton
Fuck if I know. I was probably talking to a group of African Americans at the time so I put a picture of a black guy on the podium. I was pandering. It's what I do. I pander.

DWAFM
Have you been drinking?

Senator Clinton
Yes. I drank low grade whiskey with a bunch of steelworkers in a bar that smelled like pickled eggs and ball sweat. And the entire time I prayed for God to strike me dead where I stood.

DWAFM
You seem a lot more candid than you have in the past.

Senator Clinton
Well, I'm blitzed out of my mind for one thing. And let's face it: I'm gonna lose. I'm done.

DWAFM
So you've given up?

Senator Clinton
My candidacy was as unsuccessful as Monica Lewinsky's godawful line of purses. Remember those hideous handbags that spunk-dazed wildebeest tried to sell? I bought one just so I could take a shit in it.

DWAFM
Well, on that note we're going to wrap this up.

Senator Clinton
Have you ever worked really hard for something your entire fucking life only to have it snatched from you by some fast talking upstart?

DWAFM
Well...

Senator Clinton
That was a rhetorical question, fuckhead.

DWAFM
Thanks for your time, Senator.

Senator Clinton
Fuck you.