Thursday, April 24, 2008
I never thought I'd be a McCain speechwriter...

(Click on the comic so you can read it) I heard conservatives talk a lot of shit about John McCain in 2000 and 2004. In fact, I think a lot of neo-cons dislike him much more than I do. I think it would be funny if McCain abused ultra-conservative audiences from now until November. I'd like him to use this speech when he addresses a fundamentalist church in the deep South:

"Settle down, snake-handlers. I won't be speaking in tongues or any of that crazy shit, so get that idea out of your heads right now, you brainwashed fuck-wits. I'm not going to lie, I don't want to be here, looking at a bunch of fat, red-faced jackasses and their insipid, obedient wives. This morning I addressed the College Republicans at Mississippi State and damn there were some hot chicks in that crowd. You see, they don't think a little makeup and some cleavage will damn them to eternal hellfire. And they aren't getting married the day after high school graduation to a redneck asshole who'll use a bad interpretation of the Bible to ensnare his wife into an unbearable existence of indentured servitude and thankless breeding; as if the world needs more uneducated peons. Now, I know most of you aren't very bright, so allow me to summarize: College chicks are cool, you people suck.

"Yeah, I said 'You suck'. What are you going to do about it, vote for Obama or Hillary? Ha! Everyone in this congregation is as pale as a Goth kid with melanoma, so I can't imagine Barack Obama getting a lot of support. I know most of you hilljacks refer to the American Civil War as 'The War of Northern Aggression' and won't be voting for a black man anytime soon. Well, it was called the fucking Civil War, your ancestors were 19th century versions of John Walker Lindh, they committed treason against the United States of America for the right to treat human beings as animals, and they got their asses handed to them by Ulysses Whiskey-Dick Grant. Put down the banjo and pick up a god damn history book!

"And you won't even let women have a voice in the church. They can't lead a worship service, and you're going to vote for a woman to lead the free world? I don't think so, Joe Bob. All of the men in this room are misogynists, otherwise you wouldn't have willfully chosen a subset of Christianity that treats women like garbage. The Presbyterians, for example, treat women as equals but you neanderthals want them silent and knocked-up. I suppose it's your little way of trading one form of institutionalized slavery for another.

"It's your right to feel that women are inferior, but let me tell you one thing: I don't care for Hillary Clinton as a candidate, but her pussy-farts are smarter than every stump-jumper in this congregation, whether you're the insecure Alpha and Omega male or the Stepford Bint who married him and became his mute jizz receptacle. Kindly take a dirt nap, fuckers.

"Well, I'm done here. I have a fundraiser across town with a group of people who actually give me money. You people give me nothing but a hard time for not thinking the world is flat. Can you see why I'd rather talk to them? In closing, God bless America, but fuck you."

Seriously, he can have the speech for free if he wants it.


Blogger Tits McGee said...

Baby, that just made me sizzle like bacon.

I adore you.

Blogger pastlifecarthief said...

that was super inspiring

Blogger John said...

McCain might as well make that speech, dude. His only hope is for Hillary to pull out the FBI files and blackmail the superdelegates, cause if Obama gets the nomination he'll trounce McCain, because McCain is not at all liked where it counts for a GOP to win - the South. Meanwhile, Obama will obviously get a huge black turnout in the South. Game over.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I feel my earlier optimism for a united regular-person front against the power elite draining away.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

You shouldn't, ubermilf. If for no other reason than the power elite wants us to feel that way. The burden's on them now.

Awesome speech, Todd. I think McCain 2000 would have approved, and 2008 McCain should as well.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I smell Pulitzer.

Or was that pussy farts...

I really think you should mail this to his campaign.

Take it from your Neo-Con brother. If the left had put up anyone other than two outright Marxists as nominees, people like myself would not be too excited with McCain. Since they did not, however, you can rest assured that myself and people like me enthusiastically support him. The idea that conservatives won't support McCain come November is nothing more than one of Howard Dean's wet dreams.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Is your candidate providing little to no enthusiasm? Do you find yourself stuck with someone you've hated for years and now have to justify your support somehow?

Try making ridiculous accusations about other candidates! Yes, this exciting new rhetorical trick can make even the most hardened partisan feel OK with supporting someone who is only 90 percent nuts as opposed to 100 percent!

Here's how it works:

If McCain seems too "liberal" for your taste, simply call Hillary and Obama "Marxist," and suddenly McCain seems all right!

(Proof of Marxism and actual enthusiasm for McCain not included, or necessary.)

Blogger John said...

Dems should relax. Obama is gonna be your guy, and he'll smoke McCain. McCain is Bob Dole in 1996 all over again. Only he doesn't have that weird penchant for talking about himself in the Third Person. How freaky was that? McCain's the default nominee for the party that sees the writing on the wall. Bush has obliterated their chances of retaining the White House, UNLESS the Dems had been dumb enough to nominate Hillary - the only viable candidate the GOP could actually defeat come November. Obama will cruise to a 10-point win.

Have another glass of Kool Aid Ian. What do you call people who hate capitalism? You're brazen hipocrisy and complete disingenuousness is not only sad and pathetic, but boring as well.

I realize that blindly reciting talking points to your co-workers at the GAP makes you feel important, but trust me, you're not.

(Proof of Ian's hipocrisy and disingenuousness evident)

Blogger Übermilf said...

Is Vast the power elite, or just a regular guy who happens to have a lot of money?

Blogger Heather said...

Too funny!!

I'm just a daily lurker but, I just HAD to come out on this one and say, O M G!
I'm reading this, with my mouth hanging open, laughing my ass off to the funniest thing I've read in a long time! I'm also wondering if you've received any deaths, yet?

Seriously, you nailed it!

*cue the banjos*

Blogger katrocket said...

What a treat! Your speech is the most delicious election-related post I've read all week, and the cock-fight between Ian and Vast Right Wing is a tart, but refreshing, palette pleaser.

Blogger yournamehere said...

and I adore you.

past life,
I'm like that one guy on TV who's inspiring and stuff.

I hope you're right about this.

I have that affect on people.

I think McCain threatened W's life back in 2000. Those were the days.

are you feeling a little "gassy"?

monkey mc,
I think he'd get a chuckle out of it, but still have my legs broken out of general principle.

I know. The point of the post is that conservatives will hold their noses and vote for McCain anyway, so he should go ahead and insult them.

you should write for infomercials.

I was hoping they'd nominate Romney. We'd have torched ol' Big Love.

well, no surprise bro, but I'm with Ian on this one. How are talking points different from Fox News and talk radio talking points that paint anyone left of Joe "Traitor" Lieberman as a "Marxist"?

And the Gap? I think Ian is a copy editor at a newspaper. Not everyone who disagrees with you has as shitty a job as I do.

I'm his brother, so how elite could he possibly be?

most people who would be seriously offended by what I write would never read this blog in the first place.

as for the "cock fight" between Vast and Ian, I prefer it when I'm the only one insulting my readers.

Blogger blackdog said...

A vote for the Democrats = the terrorists win! I kid, but I'm intrigued to see which new Pres will create more division vs. less. (I'm not excited about any of the 3, but I do plan to vote in Nov.) Because of McCain's friends on both sides of the aisle, he might actually be a less divisive choice than either Hillary or Obama.

What?! I know, I just blew some minds....

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

I've been to the GAP. Not exactly a hotbed of liberalism. Hot Topic, on the other hand...they just go on and on about ethanol subsidies and single-payer health care. After awhile even I'm tempted to say, "Shut up and just ring up this Decepticon shirt."

I don't hate capitalism, vrwc. No one in this race wants to dismantle the economy. And not just because it's already been dismantled. You should learn some subtlety in your arguments so that you realize not everyone who disagrees with you hates America.

And yes, I am a copy editor. The correct spelling is "hypocrisy."

So I don't know how to spell hypocrisy. Being rich makes me feel better about it.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

The dollar's weak, but knowledge is always strong.

Blogger Tray said...

I would like to see debates like the old Point/Counterpoint of 70's SNL (with Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd)

can you see it?

"Hillary, you ignorant slut....

I'll remember that when I go to buy my next mansion. Wonder if they take knowledge as payment?

If only I were as smart as Ian......

Blogger jazzbonejoe said...

Todd, you are the future of political discourse in this country. I mean that as a compliment. Bravo, sir.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

You know what they say about big houses...

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