I never thought I'd be a McCain speechwriter...

(Click on the comic so you can read it) I heard conservatives talk a lot of shit about John McCain in 2000 and 2004. In fact, I think a lot of neo-cons dislike him much more than I do. I think it would be funny if McCain abused ultra-conservative audiences from now until November. I'd like him to use this speech when he addresses a fundamentalist church in the deep South:

"Settle down, snake-handlers. I won't be speaking in tongues or any of that crazy shit, so get that idea out of your heads right now, you brainwashed fuck-wits. I'm not going to lie, I don't want to be here, looking at a bunch of fat, red-faced jackasses and their insipid, obedient wives. This morning I addressed the College Republicans at Mississippi State and damn there were some hot chicks in that crowd. You see, they don't think a little makeup and some cleavage will damn them to eternal hellfire. And they aren't getting married the day after high school graduation to a redneck asshole who'll use a bad interpretation of the Bible to ensnare his wife into an unbearable existence of indentured servitude and thankless breeding; as if the world needs more uneducated peons. Now, I know most of you aren't very bright, so allow me to summarize: College chicks are cool, you people suck.

"Yeah, I said 'You suck'. What are you going to do about it, vote for Obama or Hillary? Ha! Everyone in this congregation is as pale as a Goth kid with melanoma, so I can't imagine Barack Obama getting a lot of support. I know most of you hilljacks refer to the American Civil War as 'The War of Northern Aggression' and won't be voting for a black man anytime soon. Well, it was called the fucking Civil War, your ancestors were 19th century versions of John Walker Lindh, they committed treason against the United States of America for the right to treat human beings as animals, and they got their asses handed to them by Ulysses Whiskey-Dick Grant. Put down the banjo and pick up a god damn history book!

"And you won't even let women have a voice in the church. They can't lead a worship service, and you're going to vote for a woman to lead the free world? I don't think so, Joe Bob. All of the men in this room are misogynists, otherwise you wouldn't have willfully chosen a subset of Christianity that treats women like garbage. The Presbyterians, for example, treat women as equals but you neanderthals want them silent and knocked-up. I suppose it's your little way of trading one form of institutionalized slavery for another.

"It's your right to feel that women are inferior, but let me tell you one thing: I don't care for Hillary Clinton as a candidate, but her pussy-farts are smarter than every stump-jumper in this congregation, whether you're the insecure Alpha and Omega male or the Stepford Bint who married him and became his mute jizz receptacle. Kindly take a dirt nap, fuckers.

"Well, I'm done here. I have a fundraiser across town with a group of people who actually give me money. You people give me nothing but a hard time for not thinking the world is flat. Can you see why I'd rather talk to them? In closing, God bless America, but fuck you."

Seriously, he can have the speech for free if he wants it.