Monday, April 07, 2008
Mercifully, humor from an outside source
Well, it's obvious I have nothing left in the tank, so I'm going to share with you my favorite headlines from an Onion "best of" compilation I found at a discount bookstore.

Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying

Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game

Everyone Involved in Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High

Loved Ones Recall Local Man's Cowardly Battle With Cancer

South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year

Pope Calls For Greater Understanding Between Catholics, Hellbound

Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

Crowd Of Voters Cheers Patronizing Rhetoric

Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns

Posters Of Naked Women Fail To Draw Real Naked Women To Dorm Room

Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp Files For Bankruptcy

'85 Chicago Bears Return To Studio
(Shufflin' Crew Begins Work On Long-Awaited Follow-Up Album)

Woman Tired Of Men Staring At Her Breast Implants

New "Small 'N' Flaccid" Ad Campaign Least Successful Ever

Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord

New Pompous Asshole Magazine To Compete With Cigar Aficionado

Homoerotic Overtones Enliven NRA Meeting

Pantomimed Lasso Motion Fails To Pull Woman Across Dance Floor

Roof On Fire Claims Lives of 43 Party People


Also, check out the site Garfield Minus Garfield. It's better without the fucking cat!


6 Comments:

"Small 'N' Flaccid." That would be even less successful than the "Tiny Filoments O Tungsten," Ad campaign.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

"Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids" didn't stop my grandma from having us aerate her grass with Lawn Darts.

Homoerotic Overtones also enliven community college classes with large amounts of NRA supporters who can't think of a better research topic.

Blogger ginonymous said...

i was a total dorkwad, and proud to say that i would have been at the historic Wad Accords, you know, if they'd been real..

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Funyuns are soooo much better than Responsibilityuns.

Blogger Nick said...

Garfield Minus Garfield is so last year.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

The "Special Olympics T-Ball" headline was my favorite ever.

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