Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Is there a Life Coach in the house?
Recently, because I'm obviously some sort of a masochist, I took a random "Are You Happy With Your Life" quiz. First of all, who needs a quiz to tell if they're unhappy with their life? If you're unhappy, you know it. I wonder how many happy people were made unhappy by the results of this stupid fucking quiz?

As for me, I'm not at all satisfied with my job. That's a major issue, but it certainly doesn't define my life. Also, I'd like to be in a good relationship. Note the word "good" in the last sentence.

Back to the quiz, I was deducted major points for not being a career man with a loving wife and 2.5 adorable children. Also, they asked a question about drinking that implied it to be a lonely, isolating activity. The vast majority of my alcohol consumption is of a social nature. When I'm drinking, I'm surrounded by friends and/or women who take their clothes off professionally. It's a happy occasion, for god's sake.

Needless to say, I failed the quiz; and it was suggested I hire a Life Coach to help me find my way. Are you fucking kidding me? What a load of pseudo-intellectual horse shit. I have an idea what a Life Coach would say to me:

"You're unhappy with your job, so I suggest you get one that pays well, requires absolutely no skill and involves no real work whatsoever. In other words, become a Life Coach. That will be ten thousand dollars, please."

There's really a job out there called Life Coach? Really? God damn it, this is why "liberal" is a dirty word in some circles. I need to resurrect Shovel Justice and introduce the business end of a shovel to the grills of every Life Coach in North America.

In closing, here is some FREE advice that all of us can use. I'm not a Life Coach, as this advice is FREE:

-If your job sucks AND pays you like you're in this country illegally, find another one.

-If you take a drug that hillbillies make in their bathtubs, stop taking it.

-Don't fuck someone who has open sores on their genitals.

-If you can't afford to take care of one child, don't have four.

-If you have the urge to hurt or have sex with a child, you must kill yourself.

-This isn't 1991....No one is impressed that you have a cell phone.

There are more, but if I was the ambitious type I wouldn't have such a lousy job.


Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I have a friend whose life coach was having an affair with a married man. Uh, yeah. Thanks very much, but I'll take job dissatisfaction to How to Break Up a Marriage 101.

I like your free advice. It is succinct and to the point. I would like to see more of that.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

If you have the money for a life coach, your job is paying you well enough.

Blogger John said...

Damnit, I hate when UberChick makes a good point and I feel compelled to compliment her. Stop doing that.

Great post, man. There's a local dude/chick radio host team that was going on and on about Life Coaches the other day and I wanted to drive my Jeep through the station wall to make them shut the fuck up. I'd add to your list at the end "If you ever feel the genuine need to hire a Life Coach, kill yourself and any offspring that share your genes."

Blogger egan said...

Ha, I love the term Life Coach. I jokingly use it to describe myself because it's just too ridiculous not to use. I've even answered my work phone saying "Life Coaches Northwest, how can I help you?"

Maybe we can start up a Life Coaches clinic sir.

Blogger flounder said...

If you truly were a life coach, I'd be sending you a hefty check right about now.

Missed opportunities big guy.

Besides, I thought your chosen profession was Pornographer/Faith Healer.......

Blogger Jeannie said...

Life Coach - another of those outrageously expensive narcissistic treats for those with lots of cash and no sense.

Here's what I wish I could seriously do that I'm astounded people pay for: For about $75, you can have someone rub your skin with a mixture of salt and oil and then wash it off.
Then again - life coaches need no credentials do they? They also don't need plumbing.

Blogger Ambitious Blonde said...

I puffy pink heart your advice.

Also, why has no one paid you to write things yet?

Blogger Nick said...

But, my cellphone is totally bad ass.

Blogger Tracy said...

I met a woman who charged 200.00 an hour to advise women on how to get a divorce.

I really am in the wrong business.

i can charge them 100.00 for the same advice: hire a fucking lawyer!

Sure NOW you tell me to stop having sex with people with sores on their genitals.

Blogger Sara said...

oh quit whining monkey, at least you're getting sex

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

You are such a dork. I can't believe you took one of those dumb quizzes.


Blogger Nick said...

Kuntfucky lost. Woot.

Blogger ginonymous said...

"coach" implies it's a sport, which implies you can win.

since we all die (the opposite of "winning" at life, i would think), i think the whole thing is bogus from the ground up. unless these life coaches can keep me alive for 100+ years, i ain't paying.

Blogger FRITZ said...

my life coach is oprah.

no wonder i'm so fucking miserable.

that's fucking brilliant. I'm sending you $10,000.

Blogger Nick said...

It fuckin' kills me that you're a better writer than me. I may have to become a "life coach". On the other hand, Louisville is on fire, so at least I got that.

And when you get that new career job, how 'bout you use my "honest" cover letter:

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