Academy Awards "Highlights"

I actually watched the Academy Awards Sunday Night. Why not? It's not like I had anything else to do. Believe me, there wasn't some nubile young lass pining for me as I sat alone watching the Oscars.

The show sucked, as usual, but I have a few observations for my remaining readers.

Pre-show
-Regis Philbin was on the Red Carpet but he seemed confused, like he was looking for Cary Grant or Clark Gable to interview. Regis should stick to doing whatever the fuck it is Regis does.

-George Clooney's girlfriend Sarah Larson is hot. Ok, this isn't news. George Clooney isn't going to the Academy Awards with Rhea Pearlman's less-attractive cousin, for fuck's sake. No one is ever going to look at one of his dates and think "Well, maybe she has a great personality."

-Ellen Page told the world she got drunk on her 21st birthday. Ellen Page is 21? Is she taking those drugs they give female gymnasts so they never develop pesky secondary sexual characteristics? I predict a bright future and ten more years of getting carded for cigarettes.

The Main Event
-Jon Stewart isn't a bad host overall. His political humor is better than his Hollywood jokes. At least he isn't Robin Williams doing the same "cutting edge" act he's been doing for thirty years.

-They show all-time Oscar highlights and somehow Celine Dion makes the cut. That air-raid-voiced scarecrow isn't my idea of a highlight.

-All right, it's time to put Ann Hathaway, Kathryn Heigl, and Marion Cotillard on the "All-Boneriffic" Team. Wow, wower, and wowest.

-An early theme for this year was "Use the Orchestra to Play Off the Babbling Foreigners". A parade of people with extremely limited grasps of the English language are played off the stage while trying to thank every agent and goat herder they've ever met. Loud music during your speech is universal language for "Get the fuck off the stage."

-God, these nominees for Best Song are dreadful. Why must we be tortured by live performances of all five songs? This is the internet age; give the audience a link and let them download the awful music if they please. There are four nightmarish show tunes nominated, but they cancel each other out and two overwrought singer/songwriters win. They sound like something you'd hear at open-mic night at a small town pizzeria, but are easily the best of the evening. Also, they seem like nice folks so I'm glad they won. However, before anyone overstates the importance of the Best Song Oscar, remember that Phil Collins has one.

-Oh my god, Radiohead singer Thom Yorke just won an acting award! Oh wait, it's Tilda Swinton, and the award is Best Supporting Actress. My bad.

-I'm thinking to myself "Who the fuck is Dwayne Johnson?" when I see that it's the Rock. He goes by his real name now. So when you're searching the DVD cut-out bin at Wal-Mart, look for "Dwayne Johnson" above the title.

-Owen Wilson escapes from his straight jacket to present an award. Stay positive, Owen.

-Jerry Seinfeld presents an award as an animated bumble bee. Doesn't he have a hundred billion dollars in the bank? Please go home, Jerry. Larry David has proven to be the John Lennon of the co-writing team, so go count your money and maybe marry a one-legged gold digger.

-Jessica Alba is the hottest pregnant woman ever. She announces the Science and Technology Awards. Good choice, because when you think science and technology, you think Jessica Alba.

-Former "exotic dancer" Diablo Cody wins for Best Original Screenplay. How sweet that she kept her stripper name; and wore an old stripper outfight to the Academy Awards. She can probably charge double for a lap dance now.

-Best actress Marion Cotillard is simply stunning. I'm glad she won for a film I wouldn't sit through if the fate of the planet hung in the balance.

-Whenever Colin Farrel makes a public appearance, the world gets a little douchier. Don't stare at him for too long or you'll get the eye herpes.

-Renee Zellweger always looks like she was just attacked by a swarm of bees. Maybe Seinfeld stung her face.

-Harrison Ford seems drunk. I wonder if he uses Calista Flockhart as a swizzle stick.

-I miss Daniel Day-Lewis win Best Actor because I'm "leading the Browns to the Super Bowl". I'm sure he said something weird and everyone laughed nervously.

-The Coen Brothers and No Country for Old Men win for Best Director(s) and Best Film, respectively. I was hoping they'd use the stage to give Lebowski Fest a shout out, but no such luck.

Overall, the Oscars simply need a good editor. Eliminate the singing and only let the winners of the major awards give speeches. They're the ones we want to hear. The presenters could just say "And the winner of Best Costume Design is...Blah Blah Blah" and just throw the award at them. "Heads up, Enrique!" Hell, shoot the statue out of a small cannon, since most of the lesser nominees have lousy seats.

They should really let me direct next year's ceremony.