Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Academy Awards "Highlights"

I actually watched the Academy Awards Sunday Night. Why not? It's not like I had anything else to do. Believe me, there wasn't some nubile young lass pining for me as I sat alone watching the Oscars.

The show sucked, as usual, but I have a few observations for my remaining readers.

-Regis Philbin was on the Red Carpet but he seemed confused, like he was looking for Cary Grant or Clark Gable to interview. Regis should stick to doing whatever the fuck it is Regis does.

-George Clooney's girlfriend Sarah Larson is hot. Ok, this isn't news. George Clooney isn't going to the Academy Awards with Rhea Pearlman's less-attractive cousin, for fuck's sake. No one is ever going to look at one of his dates and think "Well, maybe she has a great personality."

-Ellen Page told the world she got drunk on her 21st birthday. Ellen Page is 21? Is she taking those drugs they give female gymnasts so they never develop pesky secondary sexual characteristics? I predict a bright future and ten more years of getting carded for cigarettes.

The Main Event
-Jon Stewart isn't a bad host overall. His political humor is better than his Hollywood jokes. At least he isn't Robin Williams doing the same "cutting edge" act he's been doing for thirty years.

-They show all-time Oscar highlights and somehow Celine Dion makes the cut. That air-raid-voiced scarecrow isn't my idea of a highlight.

-All right, it's time to put Ann Hathaway, Kathryn Heigl, and Marion Cotillard on the "All-Boneriffic" Team. Wow, wower, and wowest.

-An early theme for this year was "Use the Orchestra to Play Off the Babbling Foreigners". A parade of people with extremely limited grasps of the English language are played off the stage while trying to thank every agent and goat herder they've ever met. Loud music during your speech is universal language for "Get the fuck off the stage."

-God, these nominees for Best Song are dreadful. Why must we be tortured by live performances of all five songs? This is the internet age; give the audience a link and let them download the awful music if they please. There are four nightmarish show tunes nominated, but they cancel each other out and two overwrought singer/songwriters win. They sound like something you'd hear at open-mic night at a small town pizzeria, but are easily the best of the evening. Also, they seem like nice folks so I'm glad they won. However, before anyone overstates the importance of the Best Song Oscar, remember that Phil Collins has one.

-Oh my god, Radiohead singer Thom Yorke just won an acting award! Oh wait, it's Tilda Swinton, and the award is Best Supporting Actress. My bad.

-I'm thinking to myself "Who the fuck is Dwayne Johnson?" when I see that it's the Rock. He goes by his real name now. So when you're searching the DVD cut-out bin at Wal-Mart, look for "Dwayne Johnson" above the title.

-Owen Wilson escapes from his straight jacket to present an award. Stay positive, Owen.

-Jerry Seinfeld presents an award as an animated bumble bee. Doesn't he have a hundred billion dollars in the bank? Please go home, Jerry. Larry David has proven to be the John Lennon of the co-writing team, so go count your money and maybe marry a one-legged gold digger.

-Jessica Alba is the hottest pregnant woman ever. She announces the Science and Technology Awards. Good choice, because when you think science and technology, you think Jessica Alba.

-Former "exotic dancer" Diablo Cody wins for Best Original Screenplay. How sweet that she kept her stripper name; and wore an old stripper outfight to the Academy Awards. She can probably charge double for a lap dance now.

-Best actress Marion Cotillard is simply stunning. I'm glad she won for a film I wouldn't sit through if the fate of the planet hung in the balance.

-Whenever Colin Farrel makes a public appearance, the world gets a little douchier. Don't stare at him for too long or you'll get the eye herpes.

-Renee Zellweger always looks like she was just attacked by a swarm of bees. Maybe Seinfeld stung her face.

-Harrison Ford seems drunk. I wonder if he uses Calista Flockhart as a swizzle stick.

-I miss Daniel Day-Lewis win Best Actor because I'm "leading the Browns to the Super Bowl". I'm sure he said something weird and everyone laughed nervously.

-The Coen Brothers and No Country for Old Men win for Best Director(s) and Best Film, respectively. I was hoping they'd use the stage to give Lebowski Fest a shout out, but no such luck.

Overall, the Oscars simply need a good editor. Eliminate the singing and only let the winners of the major awards give speeches. They're the ones we want to hear. The presenters could just say "And the winner of Best Costume Design is...Blah Blah Blah" and just throw the award at them. "Heads up, Enrique!" Hell, shoot the statue out of a small cannon, since most of the lesser nominees have lousy seats.

They should really let me direct next year's ceremony.


Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Now I don't feel so bad for missing it last night...I know everything you wrote is about a gajillion times funnier than anything I would have thought.

Blogger Bedazzler said...

"Believe me, there wasn't some nubile young lass pining for me as I sat alone"...
Seriously dude, anyone who uses the phrase "simply stunning" has got to be a closet fag, or otherwise you gotta be a carpet muncher.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm way too out of shape and unfashionable to be gay, but thanks for asking.

Why is your blog invitation only? Let the public in so we can judge you.

Blogger Allan said...

I didn't watch the awards, but after reading this, I fel like I was there.



Blogger John said...

I wrote in my blog before the award how No Country For Old Men deserved to win. God bless the Coens. For dirty Jews, they ain't half bad. That's a joke, before any of you Leftist wackos jump me.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Nobody wants to jump you, John.

Not even leftist wackos.

Blogger John said...

And yet, you felt compelled to reply to me. Look, I just don't like you that way, Uberbabe. Please stop stalking me. I hate that it has come to this.

Blogger egan said...

Man, you nailed the All Bonerific Team. Those three women are damn fine. I think I have a new crush on this Ms. Cotillard.

I also noticed the lack of native English speakers at the podium. Next year we'll have to make sure the Patriot Act takes care of that.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i didn't watch a second of it.

but what the hell was diablo cody wearing?

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I actually could feel myself going a little gay while watching those stunning women. So I guess I'm a closet fag. Or a carpet muncher.

Blogger Bedazzler said...

You could try going gay, you might find you like anal beads or something. You could make a good necklace or bracelet out of them.

Blogger Nick said...

These comments have gone to a very uncomfortable place, like the back of a Volkswagen.

Also total random burn on Thom Yorke.

Blogger John said...

Is Nick a chick? He writes like one.

Blogger Nick said...

I just don't like you that way, John. Please stop stalking me. I hate that it has come to this.

Blogger John said...

Yep, definitely a chick.

Blogger Bedazzler said...

It has come to the lowest denominator...people are attacking your masculinity and heterosexuality because you covered the Oscars. Is that fair? Do people do that to Ryan Seacrest on a regular basis?

Blogger Übermilf said...

I read the comments, and only one person questioned Todd's sexuality.

And one person thinks Nick has a vagina, and Nick didn't even mention the Oscars.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Actually Ubie, it was one lowly internet troll who questioned my sexuality. But thanks for coming to my defense.

Blogger Bedazzler said...

This is so touching!

Blogger The Mortgage Chick said...

I agree with you on Marion.

No no and no on Anne Hathaway though. I wouldnt let her lick my own, well, wait, let's not be too hasty here.

Blogger dguzman said...

Well, these comments notwithstanding, your Oscar review was funnier than all the past Oscar hosts put together, even throwing in Rob Lowe's Snow White debacle. You can review TV shit anytime you want.

Blogger Bob Andelman said...

You might enjoy this audio interview with "Lebowski Fest" founders Will Russell and Scott Shuffitt.

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