Every Good Mormon Deserves Fudge

Despite the desperate pleas of talk radio and Fox News, W. Mitt Romney dropped out of the Presidential race yesterday. Therefore, I'm through ridiculing him (other than showing this embarrassing photo). I wish him well and look forward to his recurring role on the HBO series Big Love.

My question is this: Why do people subject themselves to the process of running for president?

Look at this man! Regardless of what you may think of his political beliefs, he's an educated adult; and here he is putting on a rectal exam glove at Aunt Fannie's Fudgefuckery in Methville, Iowa. He had to do this so some rube would say to his fellow rubes "That Romney fella, he's all right. I'd have a beer with him if he didn't believe alcohol consumption condemns your soul to hell."

Fuck the issues. Those of us with political convictions (on both sides) already know how we're going to vote. The rest of this campaign is going to be about John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama going around this great country kissing the asses of the undecided voters.

The thing I used to like about McCain, before he became Bush's puppet in 2004, was his obvious hatred of almost everyone! It's still his best quality, really. He has that forced smile and you know he's thinking "I was tortured so you spoiled fucks can have your cellular telephones and your portable music devices." I have a feeling he's going to lose it before November. He'll have a photo-op at a Vietnamese restaurant and he'll just go apeshit insane.

"This banh xeo is delicious. You see, based upon my past experiences as a prisoner of war, I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT VIETNAMESE CUISINE CONSISTED OF HALF A RAT AND MY OWN URINE SERVED IN THE FRESHLY HOLLOWED OUT SKULL OF MY BEST FRIEND!!! I'M EAGERLY AWAITING MY CUSTOMARY POST-REPAST JACKBOOT TO THE TESTICLES!"
/flips over table, weeps uncontrollably

And on the other side, how long will it take before Hillary Clinton has her own kind of flashback?

Hillary, to an assistant: "Why does the entire audience consist of chubby young girls in blue dresses? Is this some sort of Vast Right Wing Conspiracy?"

Assistant: "Uh, Senator Clinton....uh, this is a Shriner's convention. The audience is all male. Old men. Old men wearing fezzes."

2nd Assistant: "Remember? We're trying to shore up your weak numbers among elderly fez wearers."

Hillary, looking past her subordinates: "Bill! Bill, get away from those brazen hussies!"
/attacks and kills Shriner

It's going to be a long and ultimately depressing dog and pony show, folks. To paraphrase Terrell Owens, "Getcha barf bags ready!"