Wednesday, January 16, 2008
2008: The Year of Shit?

Last week "comedian" Dane Cook broke perhaps the least significant record ever when he performed his Bizzaro World version of stand-up for over seven hours straight. Dane Cook can't come up with seven minutes of actual comedy, so this must have been pure torture.

I have a few questions:

Was the audience held captive?

Since it was a comedy club crowd and not Cook's usual audience of frat fucks and myspace Nazis, did anyone laugh EVEN ONCE?

Did Cook perform behind chicken wire so critics of spastic ramblings disguised as comedy could voice their displeasure by hurling beer bottles at him?

Does this mean 2008 is destined to go down in history as the Year of Shit? Probably.

In the wake of the man who ruined comedy comes the show that ruined popular music, American Idol; which started a new season last night. For the first couple of weeks the public gets to feel good about itself by making fun of social lepers, frighteningly delusional loners, the mentally unstable, and of course pathetic starfuckers. I can imagine this conversation taking place in trailer homes throughout America:

"Hey, look Nurleen, this boy can't sing. That is so funny that he thinks he can sing but in fact cannot. Pure hilarity."

"Yep, his parents probably told him he had talent so he wouldn't kill himself, but now that mean British fella's gonna tell him he's worthless. I'm laughing already!"

"Here we go, it's a fat girl singing about being sexy. Nothin' funnier than that, Nurleen."

"True. I'm fat, but I don't go singing about being sexy. I only leave the house to go to Wal-Mart."

Then after America gets its fill of destroying the weak, the "talent" portion begins. Ultimately, eleven Glee Club rejects and one "rocker" will sing sappy show tunes and "original" songs written for them, making the entire affair nothing more than karaoke where everyone's sober. Everyone but Paula Abdul, who'll be mainlining embalming fluid by February.

This will lead us to the biggest shitfest of the year, the 2008 Presidential Election. Get ready for a summer and fall filled with pandering, mudslinging, "swift boating", bamboozling, half-truths and outright lies.

Notice I wrote more about American Idol than I did the presidential election. That's because more people vote for American Idol.


21 Comments:

Blogger jazzbonejoe said...

I've never had my own thoughts about American Idol summarized and stated so succinctly. Thank you. And now that you mention it, between American Idol (which seems to go on longer every year) and the 2008 presidential race, TV should be totally fucking unwatchable until mid-09.

Man, I hope the studios cave and get the writers back soon. I really really do. I may have to start reading books again if this continues much longer.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Are you trying to make me cry?

Well, the one reason I love the presence of American Idol on tv without ACTUALLY watching is that it inspires you, Dale and Dena to greater heights of hilarity. Even more so than usual.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

This doesn't bode well for 2008. Crap. I wanted 2008 to be fucking great! I hope this doesn't mean another sexless year for me.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i was flipping channels last night and saw a man on american idol wearing a princess leia metal bikini.

that is all.

Blogger Nick said...

OMFG, ur like so stupid. Dane Cook is totally hilareus. not to mention he is like, so hot.

go back to retard camp, retard.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I was looking forward to this year until now. Thanks for destroying my hopes and dreams.

Blogger jazzbonejoe said...

If anything, it should lead to more sex for everyone this year.

Afterall, there's nothing on worth watching...

Enduring 7 hours of Dane Cook would have been unbearable. I'm willing to bet that several people committed suicide just to end their suffering.

Blogger Nick said...

I'm just happy that 2008 finds you just as angst-ridden as ever. I was starting to worry you were getting soft in your old age. Hey, btw, the hosting company that used to host my site decided to disappear and take my URL and content with it. I know you could care less, but I thought you might get a nice laugh out of it. I'm reluctantly forced to join the "blogspot" cult-of-personality for the time being but I won't be a member for long. So don't get used to it.

You will be happy to know bro, that I am in my complete and personal hell. I have seen no less than 50 Hillary Rotten Clinton commercials today. Enough of her commercials to where it has nearly made me lose the will to live. I would gladly spend 24 straight hours listening to Dane Cook if I didn't have to listen to one more of her God damned Marxist propaganda commercials!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008 is the year of shit? No crap, I had no idea.

Blogger yournamehere said...

jazz,
I've been watching DVDs and drinking at bars more.

tits,
no, if I wanted to make you cry I'd point out that you're surrounded by Patriots fans in your hometown.

monkey mc,
it both inspires me and gives me an ulcer.

pants,
you are pretty damn hot. If you aren't having sex, you aren't trying very hard.

kendra,
that was quite enough, dear. Thanks.

nick,
I like retard camp because I get to eat gruel with a dull plastic spork.

scarlet,
glad to help. I'm just weeding out the weak hopes and dreams.

jazz,
I don't think the end of tv as we know it would lead to more sex for me.

vast,
I'm sure the living envied the dead.

nick,
why not stay on blogspot and not have all of your writings disappear for no reason? Just a thought, Potsie.

vast,
hahahahahahahahahaha! Enjoy them. I won the lottery last week, and instead of improving my lot in life I bought a shitload of Nevada airtime for the Hil Clint campaign.

There won't be a lot of primary commercials here because we have it on Super Tuesday and we are small potatoes, electoral college-wise.

However, during the general election, my sanity will be challenged by whoever wins the Republican nomination. Will it be Rudy simply chanting "9/11" over and over as we see footage of him using his cock to move debris at Ground Zero? Or will Mitt Romney fly over the Heartland on a giant airborne Book of Mormon? Maybe John McCain will refuse to resort to such cheap theatrics, but still come across as really unlikeable. I'm not looking forward to it.

Blogger yournamehere said...

monkey von,
It's true. Next time you're at a Chinese restaurant, look at the paper placemat.

Bastard.

Yup. I'm really looking forward to 2008.

Blogger dguzman said...

That was one sterling synopsis of American Idol, dude. Nice work! I'm proud of the fact that I've never even seen 1 second of that show.

Blogger Lauren said...

You sure do write about Dane Cook a lot. I think you're obsessed with him. He's your anti-Stephen.

Blogger katrocket said...

hilarious! Idol contestants get increasingly delusional every year, and this time, it seems the auditions have evolved into Comicon territory.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I think you should sit on my couch and flip off the TV with me.

Blogger Animal Mother said...

Ha! Everything was spot on. Although, you need to cool it with the Nurleen jokes, that's my momma's name. ;)

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